I Know I Don't Know
by AnnaMarieE.D.-SaitoNatsubi
Summary: Seddie...angst...there's really not much more to it. Rated M because with me, you never know. Disclaimer: I don't own iCarly or the songs I love or the pop culture references I use
1. The Dark Side of Love

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_Love is a ticking clock that laughs, and leads us to believe we are one_

It sucks, that whole "unrequited love" thing. But it's pretty much the story of my life. I guess you can say it's the whole chicken and egg thing- which came first, boys not liking me or me pushing them away? I hat self-analyzing myself because it just brings up all these problems I have with myself. I hate clichés but they're never wrong. Example, Ignorance is Bliss. So I'd rather not know myself, so I can keep living a semi-happy life. Yeah.

···

_It's a sick game, the winner takes its prize, the loser's left to slowly die_

It was the nub that brought up the whole self-analyzing thing. He kept saying I didn't know myself, all that Death of A Salesman bullcrap. _Trust me,_ I wanted to say. _With all the indie music I listen to, I know myself plenty. _

"Oh, please, I know myself better than you ever will," I said, taking out a flask from underneath Carly's couch. How nobody had found it yet was besides me. It had become a habit to drink in front of Freddie and Carly. Freddie just made less of a fuss and it hurt more.

He chuckled and took the flask out of my hands before I could drink any. He stood up and threw it out the window. I sat there, my shock concealed by a bored expression.

"I don't doubt that," he replied. Carly walked in before I could punch him for throwing away my drink and it was PDA galore. My stomach twisted, twirled and basically krumped inside my body. Carly pulled apart from Freddie for a second to smile and greet me. I grimaced; boy did I need that flask now.

"Hey Carls, look, I'd stick around but there's some ham at home that has my name on it," I lied to quickly evacuate. Hopefully I'd be able to find that flask and it'd still be intact.

"Wait, Sam, you don't seem to hang out with us a lot. Stay. We can all do something—"She paused to giggle as Freddie gave her small kisses on her neck. I closed my eyes to stop myself from wishing that was me. I shook my head.

"Just let her go if she wants to, Carly," Freddie murmured against her neck. My eyes snapped open, the tears ready.

"I'm sorry Cupcake, being around this nub,"_ and you hurts too much. _"Makes me want to throw up sometimes. I'll see you guys tomorrow." Carly shrugged already distracted by Freddie. I closed the door behind me and took three deep breaths before I burst into tears. So what if he didn't want me around? What did I care? I didn't. I opened my eyes to see Spencer standing in front of me.

"Don't say anything," I said, trying to be forceful but sounding pathetic. He nodded, stepping forward to hug me. Carly was lucky. She had Freddie, she had Spencer. I had her leftovers.

I pushed Spencer away in my attempt to be tough and ran away. Forget the flask; I needed bigger and better things.

···

_I can't take much more, I'm leaving, for another place where no one knows me_

_Here I'll start it over, I will find a way to piece myself together, Oh, for you and me_

_And this has to be, the dark side of love _

You know that saying, "I have butterflies in my stomach"? Today, I had monster trucks. I opened the door to see the dork waiting by the stairs in his suit and gown, looking up. Leave it to Carly to make a fuss of what she looked like even though, she'll be covered by the hideous blue cap and gown. He turned to me, checking me out. His eyes widened and his mouth made a popping noise as his jaw dropped. I looked down self-consciously at my knee-length red spaghetti strapped dress for a nanosecond. I smiled at him and he smiled, surprised I hadn't beaten him up for looking at me like I usually did. I really was too nervous to move.

"Wow, Sam, you look…" I rolled my eyes, not wanting to go through this.

"Let's pretend we already did this," Freddie nodded, still smiling and looking at me in a way that made me want to punch him because I knew he wouldn't look at me like that again. I walked past him to the kitchen to get a low-fat cream soda. As I popped off the cap, I noticed Freddie walking over to me, dramatically slow. I rolled my eyes again but ignored it. "What do you want Frederly?"

He shook his head. "Nothing." I hopped onto the table and drank my soda. He stood in front of me, watching me with a smile on his face.

"If you don't stop smiling at me, you won't be able to have kids," I threatened. He turned slightly so that he was smiling past me. I smacked him, making a loud noise. "Smart ass." He has a huge red mark where I had smacked him. I laughed, spitting out the soda at him. It got onto his shirt and he cursed. Freddie rarely cursed so I felt bad. But then he glared at me and I had to keep up my "tough girl" act.

"Really Puckett? I look like I'm wearing a dirty suit and my mom is gonna freak out!" he yelled. I shrugged.

"And I care why? Your mom freaks out if you don't take your freakin' tick baths, how is this any different?"

"I haven't taken a tick bath in years," I raised my eyebrows at him. "Ok, a few months but still! At least my mom cares about me," he replied, his eyes widening after he said that. I put my soda down, caught his shoulders before he could run away, and pulled him by his collar to me. I tried to ignore how close we were and focused on how pissed I was.

"Say that again," I muttered, staring straight into his eyes. He didn't say anything, he didn't breathe. I pushed him away when my eyes began to soften and walked into Spencer's room. "Take off your shirt!" I yelled from the room. I searched Spencer's room for a dress shirt.

"Um, I don't want to be raped, Sam!" he responded.

"Just do it!" I found a shirt, cursing myself for being so nice. It was always those eyes. I walked back into the kitchen triumphantly, hesitating when I saw Freddie shirtless. He didn't have the hottest body (or so I tried to tell myself,) but he had filled out. And those biceps…

I handed him the shirt and he smirked, flexing his arms. "Like what you see?" he teased. I gave him the finger and walked past him to sit back on the table. Carly really was taking too long. By the time I turned back to him, the shirt was on.

"Had practice putting on clothes fast?" I said, hoping to make him blush. Only it had the opposite effect. He turned to me and snickered.

"You know it," he replied, winking at me. I blushed. I did know too much about their sex life. I drank my soda to stop the conversation. Freddie walked back in front of me, putting on his suit jacket and his gown.

"So…this is it, huh?" I said as I finished my soda. Freddie began staring at me again. "Ok, really Fredamame, you need to stop staring at me."

"Sorry, it's just…wow,"

"Wow, what?"

"You're nervous," I looked away from him. "You're gonna miss me, aren't you?" he asked, chuckling.

"I don't miss people, I miss the things they come with," I answered, making shit up off the top of my head. Freddie nodded, not believing a single word I said. "Like I will miss the money that I could take from your pocket. Like this $50," I pulled out the bills that I had stolen from Freddie. His eyes widened. "Yeah, be amazed."

"Try to deny it, you're gonna miss me, Puckett," his voice got lower as he stepped closer. My breath caught and I tried so hard to not look into his eyes. He put both of his hands on either side of me. He was definitely not an awkward little dork anymore; I hated and loved him for it-not that I loved him. "Just talk to me."

"I don't talk." I stared at him. He stared back at me, hoping that I would change my mind but I stayed stubborn. He sighed and backed away. I could breathe again.

"You know we haven't really talked since you…" He looked down and then back up at me. I knew what he was talking about. When I kissed him at the lock-in. Afterwards I had refused to talk about anything and convinced him I kissed him to shut him up. I nodded. I put on a smirk, wishing I had something to eat to distract me. Then I remembered I had stuffed some fat cakes into my bra. I pulled one out and watched Freddie laugh.

"Just be happy I did or else Carly would've never realized she liked you for real and you guys wouldn't be happy and blissed out like you guys are," I said, taking a bite.

"Yeah, blissed out," Freddie muttered, thinking I couldn't hear him.

"What, there can't be anything wrong with the Mrs. And Mrs. Carly Shay relationship?" Before Freddie could reply, Carly descended the stairs like the perfect princess she was. She had on a sea green strapless dress with a matching purse and green stilettos.

"You look so pretty, Carly," Freddie said, abandoning me and going to kiss her. She kissed him back. I felt the monster trucks do 30-foot jumps.

"I know," she giggled. She looked at me and gasped, breaking away from Freddie. "Oh my god, Sam you look so pretty. Why are boobs bulgy?"

"Fat cakes," Freddie answered from the background.

"O…kay, anyways, Sam, you look great but you'd look even better in blue. I mean, I was always so jealous of your eyes," Carly admitted. _Sure, Carly. You have never been jealous of anything to do with me and I was always jealous of your everything. _

"I can't have the same color dress as the gown. It'll look all match-y and weird." Carly rolled her eyes at me and pulled my arm. She started dragging me upstairs when Freddie stopped her.

"Carly, we don't have time for this; you took a good two hours. Graduation is in…" he checked his watch. "…an hour, 10 minutes, and 34 seconds. We were supposed to be there already. Sam looks fine." _Carly looks so pretty and I look fine. I look fine. I look fine. I look fine. _

"She needs to change her dress," Carly said through gritted teeth like it was absolutely necessary. "I will not have my friend looking less than beautiful." _I looked less than beautiful?_ Sometimes Carly didn't understand me. Just because I was a tomboy, didn't mean I wanted people to think I was ugly or anything.

"Fine, but nothing strapless like what you're wearing," I said quietly, still upset by this conversation.

"But you can actually fill it out? Sam, it would be horrible to lose a chance—"

"To look like I'm twenty-something when I'm barely 18? No thanks. Something with straps or sleeves," I ordered. Carly sighed heavily and nodded as she continued to pull me up the stairs. I looked back at Freddie and he was looking at the floor, you know, in that thoughtful way. He looked kind of upset. I hated myself for wanting to comfort him.

···

_So many nights have I been down, I've been thinking of you,_

_So many right, so many wrong, what have you done to me, _

_Where have you gone, my dear, where did you go? _

The ceremony was over too fast. I didn't have enough time to look at the kids I hate, the teachers I hate. I did graduate (with a GPA of 3.5, I might add,) to the extremely loud exclamation of students and some of the teachers. I blushed as I walked on stage to get my diploma. I heard the cheers of Spencer, Carly, and Freddie. I smiled a little, did that thing with my tassel, and walked back to my seat.

Even though that went by in seconds, what happened next was paralyzing. We threw our caps up like every teen movie from the 80s. I threw mine not too high so I could remember which one was mine. I saw Freddie, a mile spread across his face, run up the little carpet they had outside. I smiled a little, thinking he was running up to me. He ran past me, not even looking at me, and picked up Carly, kissing her. My smile vaporized and I mentally punched myself. When he put her down, Crazy went over to hug Freddie, crying her eyes out and trying to fix his hair. Spencer had gone up to Carly with a surprise-her father was there! He was wearing his military uniform and looked all important. Carly squealed and started crying, she was so happy. She introduced him officially to Freddie, her boyfriend. I searched foolishly for my mother, knowing she wouldn't be here. Melanie had more important things to do. I pulled out my cell phone to call her.

"Hey Sam, look I can't talk right now," she answered the phone.

"But, Mel, I wanted to tell you—"

"I can't, Sam. I'm about to meet the cast of Gossip Girl! You know how hot Ed Westwick is!" she exclaimed over the phone.

"You mean that guy who's actually British and has a huge head?"I said sarcastically like I hadn't been forced to listen to her talk about "Chair" every time she came home.

"Sam, no need to be so mean. His forehead is no abnormal size! I have to go."

"Wait, Mel, I graduated. Today," I said in an excited tone.

"Oh my god, Sam. Really? That's totes awesome! Bye!" She hung up before I could say anything else. When I hung up, Carly was in front of me, Freddie's arm around her shoulders. That monster truck was back and he came with friends.

"Who was that?" she asked.

"Oh, Melanie. She's been calling me all day and I finally decided to answer," I lied, looking away momentarily so I could wipe away tears. Self-pity was for the weak and sentimental. Like Benson. I just had to keep repeating that.

"Cool. Can you believe it, you guys? We graduated! Freddie and I are staying on the west coast, you're staying here," she obviously didn't want to bring up my lack of after high school plans. "It's gonna be perfect and we can still keep doing iCarly." I nodded along with her as I dug inside my bra. Carly stopped talking and looked at me.

"Uh, Sam, I thought I told you no fat cakes in your bra!" she scolded.

"I know but while you weren't looking I put something even better than fat cakes," I took out a tiny bottle of vodka.

"Sam!" I opened it and drank the whole thing, loving how it burned my body. I shook my head and puckered my lips. Even though I'd had it many times, hard alcohol still got me.

"Don't we have a shindig to get to?" I referred to Gibby's after graduation party that he was holding at his house. Everyone had gotten an invitation and it was supposed to be the last good party before college.

"And then tomorrow, we're gonna have our sleepover at the iCarly studio," Carly said, successfully distracted.

"Ugh, I don't see why! You guys don't leave for weeks and I doubt you guys can sleep in the same room without touching each other. Plus, the less time I have to spend with this nub, the better," I replied. I had a huge smile on my face, happy that I could talk about Carly and Freddie like they were nothing.

"Don't worry Sam, I'll be off at college in a few weeks, getting a further education so I can get a good job, make lots of money, eat all the bacon I want," he added that just to piss me off. "And where will you be?"

"Doin' your mom," I whispered, winking at him. Freddie snorted.

"Sam! That was uncalled for!" Carly exclaimed.

"Right, because I only do things that are called for."

"She wouldn't be my blonde-headed demon if she did," Freddie commented affectionately. I blew him a kiss and walked in front of them, swinging my arms. I realized I'd forgotten something. I was free! Today was supposed to be a good day and I'd made it all complicated. Carly and Freddie were nothing at the moment. As we walked, I stopped at the deli to get all my favorites and a bottle of Jack Daniels with Freddie's fifty dollars.

"Sam, are you really gonna waste fifty dollars on all this crap?" Freddie asked, detaching himself from Carly as she went to the tabloids.

"It's not a waste if you enjoy it. You'd understand that," I informed him as I brought my things to the cashier.

"What do you mean?" He questioned, confused.

"Well, before there was Carly, there was your right hand…" I had gotten my blush from Freddie. I laughed at him along with the cashier. "Oh, I live for that," I said absentmindedly. Freddie continued to blush but he gave me that intense gaze again.

"Oh god, Edward Cullen, calm down. It's not a big deal; just don't tell Carly, we all know how innocent she is." I paid for my stuff and took the bag. We walked outside and got into Freddie's car. Party time.

···

_Just let it take control, and drag you to the bottom now_

_Oh, It's a long way down on your own_

_So you must take a passenger along _

I sat on the fire escape, sipping the last of my Jack Daniels. It was around 5:30 in the morning and the sun was beginning to peek above the horizon. I started to cry as I realized this was it. High school was over. I'm pushed into the real world. I undid my hair and let it all hang loose. It had been loose at graduation but I tied it up for Gibby's party.

Gibby's party had been nothing special. I'm sure everyone had a good time. I left after an hour once it was obvious that it was once again Freddie and Carly's make out time. There was good music, decent food, and tons of drinks. But I ended up on the fire escape. I ate my food, took the occasional drink, just stared at the sky. The stars were beautiful (you had to look really hard for them) and the moon was full, my luck. I'd always been fascinated with the sky. It was consistent if nothing else was. When this whole end of the world thing happens, I think the first change will be the sky, just because that's when you know that shit's about to happen. And for one thing the sky never broke your heart.

I saw Freddie out of the corner of my eye, climb through the window and sit down next to me. I didn't bother to wipe my eyes; I really didn't care at this point.

"Figured you be here when I found out you'd left," he said. I turned to him, glaring.

"And when did you? After Carly?"

"Before, actually. I don't know how long you had been gone though." I cried a little more after he spoke. "What's the matter, Sam? You gonna miss me?" He smiled, trying to make me feel better. It worked.

"You wish," I said, sticking out my tongue. I played with the empty bottle in my hands. There was a little sun glinting off of it.

"Why do you drink Sam?" he asked softly.

"Because I can. Because no one cares. Because this is what people expect of me," I replied.

"You don't have to do what people expect of you," he moved closer to me.

"Like you being with Carly?" It sounded bitter and I cringed, embarrassed.

"Can we not bring up Carly for a whole conversation?" he asked a little exasperated. I nodded, staring at him. He traced the tear stain on my cheek. "Why were you crying?" I sighed, hating that he thought I was just gonna open up now.

"I don't talk," I repeated from earlier today.

"I bet I could make you talk," he challenged. I looked at him, waiting, when he leaned in and kissed me. I was stunned but not enough that I didn't kiss back. I wrapped my arms around his neck and I felt his fingers in my hair. It was everything; everything was put into the kiss and everything was felt. It is only in these types of situations where I can afford to be cheesy.

I let the kiss go on too long, it should've never happened. I pushed Freddie away. We were both breathing heavier than before and he gave me that intense gaze again.

"You have Car—"

"Shh," he said. "I know, okay. I just feel…I feel like we didn't talk after the lock-in and I just did what was expected of me and—"

"No, you can't just say stuff like that Benson," I stood up, my voice rising. "Not after two years, after sex and pregnancy scares-yes plural. Not after all that's happened between the both of you. I won't be your 'what if.'" I wanted to finish that with a march out but I stumbled and leaned against the railing. I accidentally dropped the empty bottle and faintly heard it smash at the bottom. I giggled. "That wasn't supposed to happen." I looked back at Freddie. He looked so nervous and reached out his arms slowly to get me.

"Come on. I don't want you to go home like this. You can stay with me," he said as he pulled me towards him.

"Wait, but, the sunrise! I said goodbye, I can't not say hello, Freducini." He smiled at me. I went from serious drunk to silly, stupid, funny drunk quickly and vice versa.

"Ok, ok, just, sit with me," he said. He sat down with me in his lap and I leaned down to put my head on his shoulder. I sighed.

"I'm gonna miss you," I murmured, not wanting to admit it. I looked up to see Freddie smile.

"I'm gonna miss you, too."

I didn't actually see the sunrise. I fell asleep a few seconds after Freddie talked. All I know is I woke up in Carly's dress and underneath Galaxy Wars blankets.

···

_I can't take no more, I'm leaving, for another place where you won't find me_

_Here I'll start it over, I will find a way to piece myself together_

_Oh, for you and me, and this has to be _

_The dark side of love _

I knew this was wrong but I was doing it anyway. I watched Carly and Freddie sleep, hoping they wouldn't wake up. I packed my stuff into my overnight bag quietly. I had to leave. I wasn't going to do what people expected of me. I was going away-preferably to a big city. They would be upset that I didn't give a formal goodbye but I didn't want questions and reasons to stay. I needed to get away from Seattle._ And them. _

I hurriedly brushed my hair back into a ponytail and put on my socks. I heard someone move and I froze, my heart beating so fast. There was no sound so I continued. I would change from my pajamas (a tank top and short shorts) later. All that mattered was getting out before anyone woke up. I stood up, breathing out a sigh and picked up my bag. As I walked to the door I heard, "Sam?"

I turned around to see the nub, sitting up from the humongo air mattress we had been sharing. He rubbed his eyes as I cursed softly.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Bathroom." I prayed that his eyesight was horrible.

"With your bag?" Shit.

"Freddie, just go back to bed," I said.

"Not until you do." He got up and walked towards me. I tried to make a run for it and got as far as the bottom of the stairs when he caught up. "Sam, where are you going?"

"Away, ok? I'm leaving." I turned to go but he grabbed my arm and pulled me back.

"Leaving where? Carly's house?" he asked, already knowing that wasn't the answer.

"No. I'm leaving Seattle, I'm leaving Washington. Today."

"With what money?"

"I have some money of my own, you know, I just like spending others," I answered.

"Why?" His voice sounded so sad, I almost dropped my bag.

"Because I need to. Can we just leave it at that?"

"Sam, if this about that kiss—"

"It's not, Mr. Ego," I interrupted. "I just want something new. I wanna be somewhere new but I was staying because I thought people wanted me to stay."

"They do, we do…I do, Sam, please, don't," he responded. I broke away from his grasp and shook my head, backing away.

"Just tell Carly I said sorry, will you?" I walked out, closing the door softly. As I was waiting for the elevator, the front door opened and Freddie walked out. I rolled my eyes, annoyed. "Freddie, you're not making this any easier," I sighed. He walked up to me and kissed me. Again.

I didn't push him away as fast I should have. I'm a bad friend, we all knew that.

"What about me, Sam?" he wondered with tears in his eyes. "What do you have to say to me?" The elevator doors opened and I stepped inside.

"I hate you." I pressed the Lobby button and watched Freddie smirk at me.

"Hate you, too," he said.

I got a one-way ticket to JFK airport in NYC since Melanie was still there. She had gotten an apartment near Columbia, where she was going, and I had called her earlier to see if she minded if I roomed with her for a little while. She had actually been a little too excited for my liking but it was easier than trying to find my own apartment. I got many calls from Carly and two from Freddie. He left me a voice message I deleted without listening to. I realized I wanted to cut off from them completely. I threw out my phone at the airport and got a new one in Manhattan. I deleted all my "social-networking" accounts and deleted my email.

This was for the best. This was what I needed. At the moment.

···

_So many nights have I been down, I've been thinking of you_

_So many right, so many wrong, I've been thinking of you _

_So many nights have I been down, I don't know what to do_

_So many right, so many wrong, _

_What have you done to me?_

_Where have you gone, my dear?_

_Where did you go?_

**A/N: **So concludes my first fanfic ever! Please be harsh, I don't mind. I feel like Sam was a little OOC so please tell me if you thought she was too. This was supposed to be just a normal, angsty fanfic and I was listening to the song The Dark Side of Love by Birds of Tokyo. I decided to look up the lyrics and they went perfectly with the fanfic. Coincidence or magic? Anyways, this was also originally supposed to be a multi-chapter but it seems so right as a one-shot. Let me know if I should continue. XP


	2. More and More and More

**A/N:** Thanks for the reviews! I'm so sorry that I made you guys so sad. I really didn't mean to do that. I really wanted to continue this, I just needed a little push. Btw, when my sister read the part about the watch, she said, "Who has a watch like that?" There's this kid from my high school that when me and my friend asked what time it was (school ended at 2:45) he said, "2:37 and 35 seconds." Me and my friend just looked at each other, trying not to laugh. Anyway, here's the next chapter. Sorry if it's short.

···

_Sold my only guitar_

_Put all my money into a broken car_

_And I drove halfway across the country to get away_

_From the very thing that follows me to this day _

I only lasted one and a half years. Melanie practically forced me on the plane home. She knew I didn't want to be there on the terms I was. I mean, I loved New York. I loved Seattle a little more and I loved them the most. I had started thinking of them as a whole, not singling either out.

After I left, they did a video explaining my disappearance as "an unexpected turn of events." They put up multiple videos, pleading for me to come home that I ignored. They even started a contest on twitter, asking iCarly fans to send any information they can on where Sam Puckett might be. I was caught a few times though Melanie convinced everyone that it was her. After the couple of times, I decided to dye my hair red. To stop the random twitpic-ers and because I could.

Melanie felt horrible about graduation. When I got to New York, she almost cried because she realized that I needed her. I never admitted it but she understood.

I had woken up to get to work- I was a waitress in the afternoon and a bartender at night. My drinking had proven to be worth something, especially when guys are giving you tips because they can see your cleavage. Another thing that bartending had taught me: alcohol was evil. I had to watch nice guys turn into jerks, girls turn loose, and nobody seemed to know that you should throw up in the toilet, not near it, not outside the stall.

Anyways, I had woken up and all my things, new and old, had been packed. Melanie was sitting on my bed, waiting for me to get up.

"No, you're not acting like a creepy stalker, Mel, don't worry," I said, my eyes still adjusting to the unholy light the sun kept shining into my room.

"You need to go back to Seattle," she replied, ignoring my comment. I sighed, sitting up and pulling my hair out of the bun I put it in before I went to sleep.

"You know I can't, Melanie. Not yet."

"But you want to, and they miss you and you miss them. Especially a certain brown-haired, brown-eyed guy who—"

"Shut up!" I interrupted, smiling. Melanie would never let me forget that a few weeks of being in New York she tricked me into explaining why. It was only because as much as she had never been around, she was still my twin sister. She knew how to make me spill my secrets and I knew how to get her to act like a Puckett. Hint: she was very protective of her clothes.

"What? Sam, running away hasn't done anything about your feelings, has it?" she asked. I looked at her, looked at my hair and played with it.

"I just wanted a change. Seattle's…"

"Filled with people you don't want to deal with," she finished my sentence. I nodded. She moved over so she could hug me. "I understand that Sammie but, you moved out her with unfinished business. Once you get it all under control, then, I will gladly kick out Maya, my new roommate and take you back. Unless you bring Freddie back with you. Then you're gonna have to get your own apartment," she joked. I punched her in the arm and got out from under the covers.

"Fine, fine. I'll go back but, I don't know if I'll talk to them," I said.

"That's the whole reason for you to go back! If I don't see a new iCarly video or some type of thing with all of you together within one week of today, I will go there and beat your ass until you tell Freddie you love him and you want to be with him," she threatened. I think I knew how people felt when I threatened them.

"Ok. Goodness, don't know why you care so much," I muttered. She rolled her eyes and got up to walk away.

"Wait," I called to her. She turned around. "Do you think he'll like my hair?" I asked, the monster trucks returning. She looked at me for a little while before burst out laughing. She laughed so hard, she had tears running down her face. She kept pointing at me and then laughing even harder.

When she finally stopped, she breathed out a sigh and cleared her throat to speak. "You need to get this thing done now. He's made you into such a…not you," she said, chuckling.

"I know! I hate it! I can't do anything without worrying about his opinion of me and all that shit! Like I'm used to us going back and forth but sometimes, the things he said…He makes me so fuckin' nervous and I just want it to stop! Ugh!" I laid back down and covered my eyes with my arms.

"You're in love, Sam. That's what it feels like. And he'll love your hair, it's very Angela Chase, only longer," she responded.

I heard the click of my door and looked to see her gone. There was an outfit on my desk. Of course she would pick out an outfit for me. I sat up and took several deep breaths as I realized what I was about to do. I convinced myself to stand up but it took another 10 minutes for me to get to my bathroom. I looked into the mirror, ready to hyperventilate. This was going to go well. Nothing bad was gonna happen. I needed to stop this unnecessary worrying. Right?

···

_And our love will endure, more and more and more_

_Our love will find a way, to haunt me everyday _

I slept like a Sam on the plane ride over. I hate it when people say "I slept like a baby" because babies don't sleep soundly. Melanie babysits sometimes and once, she couldn't do it because she had plans with her friends. I took the job for an easy $100. Not only was it not easy but it increased my hate for kids. Babies were obviously imps in disguise.

When the plane landed, I tried not to cry from anxiety. I only brought a carry-on (cut the costs,) so I was in the airport parking lot in no time. I looked up at the sky. It was a clear, blue sky, rare for Seattle and a comforting welcome after almost 2 years.

"I'm sorry I left without a proper goodbye," I said, partly to Seattle and partly practicing what I would say when I saw them.

"I'm gonna assume no one ever told you but it's not a good sign when you start talking to yourself." I turned to see this tall, gangly guy standing next to me. He smiled at me. I smiled back; he looked like a guy version of me, blond hair and blue eyes.

"I wasn't talking to myself, I was talking to Seattle," I replied.

"Ah, so you're not a tourist?" I shook my head. "Sorry, it's just, I was on the same plane as you, and I saw you and you looked kinda like you traveling for the first time and I've never been here before so I was hoping I'd have like a 'tourist buddy' because I'm only here to visit my grandmother and—"

"Alright, Alright, shut up now. I get it. You're new around here. Whoop-de-doo. You don't have to ramble on for hours," I interrupted, annoyed. It was not possible for anyone person to talk for so long without taking one single breath.

"Sorry," he murmured, embarrassed. He blushed. I rolled my eyes.

"Oh, god." I grabbed his arm and dragged him to a cab. I pushed him inside and slid in as well. He looked at me nervously as I paid the cabbie the money to drive us to Bushwell Plaza.

"Uh, where are we going?" he asked, nervously.

"I have to do something before I give you a tour," I answered, not looking at him and ready to throw up.

"So…you'll do it?" he continued to ask. I shrugged.

"Why not? You'll be a distraction and I need one."

"So you don't find me ruggedly handsome or care for my colorful, unique personality?" I shook my head.

"I've really only known you for 3 minutes," I said. He shrugged. I looked over at him as he stared out the window. He's cool. He's not Freddie though and I think that's okay.

···

_So I bought a ticket to England, thinking this is my chance to begin again _

_But our love that followed me there, is the love that follows me everywhere _

We pulled up to Bushwell Plaza not too long after. I kept taking deep breaths and pulled the guy out of the cab. He got our bags and stared up at it.

"You live here?" he asked.

"Used to," I replied. He looked at me as I continued to take my deep breaths.

"Why are you so nervous?"

"Because I can be, god, what's with all the questions? Do you always need to talk?" I yelled.

"At least I'm not rambling anymore! Look, I don't need any of this sh—" I punched him in the stomach before he could finish yelling at me. He was pissing me off so much. He yelled in pain and glared at me. I looked at him innocently.

"I have a bad way of dealing with nerves," I murmured. He rolled his eyes at me and gestured for me to begin walking. I stared at him, confused on why he let that go.

As we got in the elevator, I realized I didn't know his name.

"Hey, what's your name?" I questioned him. He glanced at me before looking straightforward.

"Mitchell." I snorted. Mitchell? "And yours is better?" I shrugged.

"I just know a bad name when I hear it," I replied.

"And yours is better?" he repeated.

"Samantha." He raised his eyebrows at me and nodded appreciatively. "Be amazed," I whispered. He laughed at me.

We walked onto the 8th floor and I wanted to run. I knocked on the door and waited those petrifying 8 seconds for someone to walk to the door and open it. When it opened, it was neither of them. I began to breathe again. Spencer's eyes widened at me.

"Miss me?" I said, smirking at him. He girlishly screamed and hugged me. He spun me around in the hallway, still screaming. My arms were at my side. He was holding me too tight that I couldn't move.

"When'd you get back? Where'd you go? Why's your hair red? Ohmigod, so happy! Sam, you know that Carly, Carly!" Mitchell and I walked inside.

"Now I get why it's so embarrassing," he whispered to me. I snickered.

"Where is Carly?" I asked, hoping she wasn't home.

"She's not home but she's coming home today. This is the weekend she comes back. Freddie should be back too," he added, watching my nerves grow until they reached Pluto (yes, Pluto's still a planet!)

"Oh?" I pretended to sound disinterested. I sat down on the couch and looked up at Mitchell standing weirdly by the door. "Either sit down Mitch, or get me a soda. Actually, I do want that soda," I ordered. He rolled his eyes and set down the bags.

Spencer made the whiplash sound with his mouth as he sat next to me.

"Oh please, I just met him. So, um, when will they be here?" I wondered, looking down.

He checked his watch. "Few hours. Just wait."_ Like the plane ride wasn't enough,_ I wanted to say. "I like your hair Sam, it's different," he commented.

"You think he-they'll like it?" I asked, hoping that he wouldn't notice my slip-up.

"He will," he answered. He did notice. He looked at me like he always did when he noticed me suffering. "They will, I mean." I rolled my eyes.

"Stop looking at me like that," I demanded.

"Always do, don't I?" I nodded in reply. I looked down at my hair and played with it until Mitchell finally came back with my soda. I began drinking it, waiting for the fun to begin.

···

_And__ our love will endure, more and more and more_

_Our love will find a way, to hauntt me every day _

A few awkward, nervous hours later, the door opened and they stepped inside, smiling and joking…

**A/N: **Yeah, there's a cliffhanger. Love me? XP


	3. If This Ship Sinks I Give In

···

_I'm trying to get my head straight_

_I'm playing in a game that I can't win_

_I started in the wrong place _

_A slap to the cold face of love _

_I wanna stop this goddamn beating heart_

_It's killing me, this is killing me _

I stood up awkwardly and stared at them. Their faces were blank. I looked down nervously and back up.

"Hey. How's ya been?" I asked casually, like I'd only been gone a few days. Carly smiled and screamed a pitch higher than Spencer. She ran towards me and tackled me with a hug. I steadied us so we wouldn't fall backwards and hugged her back. Her shoulders shook and I noticed she started crying.

She pulled back from the hug to wipe away the tears. "I'm sorry, I'm just so happy! Sam, you're back! Where did you go? I mean, I woke up and Freddie was just sitting there and he said you said you were sorry and I was really confused and…"She stopped to cry some more. I hugged her again and patted her back.

"Everything's fine, Carls. I'm back," I responded. _For now. _I looked at Freddie. His face was still blank. I hugged Carly tighter. "I missed you."

"I missed you too! So much has happened and I always wished that you were there!" Carly started jumping up and down. She was smiling and jumping when she finally noticed my hair. "Oh my god! Your hair!" I touched it self-conciously.

"I had to do something to stop you guys from finding me. And I like red," I explained.

"Why didn't you want us to find you?" Freddie spoke for the first time since I got back. He threw his bags inside and slammed the door. "You didn't think we'd want to know if you were alright or at least alive?" His voice started to rise. I rolled my eyes even though I hadn't thought of that.

"I…just needed to figure some shit out, ok? It really wasn't that big of a deal."

"WASN'T THAT BIG OF A—" He closed his eyes as if he was asking for patience and took a deep breath. "You can't come back here, just like that. It's nice of you to think we're worthy of your time finally but you know what…you're not worth mine," I blinked rapidly, trying to stop the tears.

"Freddie," Carly sighed.

"I hate you and I hate what you did to your hair," he growled as he opened the door and left. Spencer looked at me but I ignored him. I let out a breath and chuckled.

"Good to know the dork hasn't changed. Still in love with the dramatics," I said. Before Carly could explain Freddie, he came back in.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that, I'm happy your back, I was just angry at you for leaving, and Carly cried, you know for two whole days, and we tried so hard to find you, and," he sighed. "You're back. You really are." He walked up to me and hugged me. I pushed him away after a few minutes.

"I think that's enough of that Fredbag. But what is it about me that makes people ramble so much? Goddamn," I joked. Freddie chuckled, giving me that intense gaze.

"You're too stunning for words," he whispered. I tried to stop myself from smiling but failed. I glanced at Carly who looked between the both of us. I punched him in the shoulder.

"Can you get any more sappy? Save it for someone who likes that stuff, like Carly," I moved Carly into my place. Freddie watched me and Carly giggled, staring at Freddie. I looked back at Mitchell who I had forgotten was even here.

"Oh, you guys, this is Mitchell. I met him at the airport," I introduced, pulling his arm so he stood with the rest of us. It wasn't until I saw them together that I saw Freddie was almost Mitchell's height. It was freaky how tall Freddie had gotten.

Carly smiled at him and then smiled at me. "Cute one, Sam. When'd you meet him?" she asked. I looked at her, confused. Hadn't I just said where?

"Today. At the airport," I walked up to her and stared her straight in the eyes. "Have you been smoking?" She laughed but didn't answer. I looked over at Freddie and noticed him glaring at Mitchell. I rolled my eyes. I was getting annoyed with the fact I couldn't know a guy without being romantically involved with him. Those type of assumptions always pissed me off.

We stood there awkwardly for a little while, not knowing what should happen next. As much as I hoped, things wouldn't go back to normal just like that. Then I remembered Melanie's threat.

"Well, since I'm back, we can start iCarly again," I said, breaking the silence. Carly nodded, enthusiastically and took my hand. She began pulling me upstairs when Mitchell pulled my other arm. He and Carly had a mini tug of war, which he won. No surprise there, what with Carly still having over-boiled noodles for arms. I fell back unto Mitchell and looked up at him. He smiled at me, raising his eyebrows suggestively. I laughed.

"You never gave me my tour. We were supposed to be here for a little while," he complained. I playfully frowned and snapped my finger, swinging my hand.

"Darn, looks like you're going to have to wait," I whispered. Mitchell rolled his eyes at me and pushed me away. I laughed again and stuck my tongue at him. Carly smiled at me again before continuing going upstairs. _Oh mother of chizz, she's gonna bug me about him, _I thought as I walked up the stairs. I looked behind me when I realized Freddie wasn't following us. Carly was already gone.

"Tech nerd!" I yelled. He jumped a little, obviously zoned out. He looked at me with a pair of sad, brown eyes. He looked down abruptly and made his way to the studio. He passed me on the stairs and I swear my heart stopped. I closed my eyes, breathing in. This had to get better.

"I still don't get what I'm supposed to do," Mitchell said, still complaining. I shrugged.

"I don't know. Just chill out until I'm done. Hang with Spencer," I suggested. He smiled and nodded.

When I got upstairs, before I could get inside, I felt someone pull me to the side. I looked at Freddie, controlling my facial expressions. However, he was not and his intentions were very clear.

"I don't have time for this, Sir Nub-A-Lot." He stared at me and smiled at bit.

"I just can't believe…you're back," he whispered. I nodded.

"Yes. It's really me. I'm not a hologram or a robot or a pod person or any other scifi thing you can think of. I'm Sam and you're Freddie," I replied. I stared straight into his eyes, knowing I had to even though I didn't want to.

"And…I'm sorry," He looked at me, confused and a little scared. "I'm sorry for leaving and cutting you guys out of my life. I don't know why you guys aren't angry at me, I expected it. I was actually kinda hoping for it so that I can leave again." I stopped talking because I said too much. He waited for an explanation I wasn't going to give.

"I'm also sorry because I feel like you're expecting…something from me that I don't have," I continued. "I don't want to be with you Freddie." Biggest Lie yet. I saw the sadness in Freddie's eyes and it made my own eyes water. Dammit! I hate it when Melanie's right.

"I don't want to believe you," he responded. I shrugged, looking down so I could wipe my eyes and sniff subtly.

"I don't care whether you believe me or not, you just—" The door opened and Carly stuck her head out.

"Uh, hey you guys. What's going on?" She gave us a questioning look. It was only then that I realized how close we had been. I leaned away casually and laughed it off.

"I was just making sure Frederly remembered who was in charge around here. He tried to give me rules, psh! He's so protective over you," I patted her shoulder and walked inside before either of them could say anything. Carly walked inside smiling shyly and Freddie walked in glaring at me.

Not much had changed in the studio. Freddie's tech equipment was in here but it wasn't all hooked up and apparently needed an upgrade. They had also started using it as a storage place again. We had to push them away so we could do our video. It was going to be short, just a video to let them know that iCarly would be back. I held the blue remote, getting nostalgic and I couldn't help smiling. I had missed this a lot more than I thought I did.

Freddie moved in front of us with the camera and started his countdown. "In 5, 4, 3, 2…"

···

_I'm trying to get my head straight_

_I didn't see the warning signs ahead_

_I'm feeling like a dead weight long gone _

_If I could make it all right I would_

_I never thought I'd say these things to you_

_And it's killing me, this is killing me _

"…And we're clear," he said as he stopped recording. Carly and I both started laughing hysterically as we took off the kangaroo costumes. We had improvised the whole video and somehow the stuff in storage had been put to use.

When we finished , I realized that out "short" video had turned into an hour long video.

"Oh shit, Mitchell!" I gasped. Carly smirked at me. "What?"

"He is so hot! And you two seem really…"

"We seem like nothing, Carly. I barely know him!" I explained. Through my peripheral vision, I could see Freddie watching us. I turned to him slightly and he looked back at his laptop.

"So get to know him! When was the last time you had a boyfriend?" she asked, putting her hands on her hips.

"A few months ago," Freddie's head snapped back up. "His name was Ernesto," I answered truthfully. I had several "boyfriends" in New York but I did have more hook-ups; just because it was easier to leave before they wake up then stay and talk. I didn't want to talk, I don't talk.

"What? Really? That's…"

"Shocking?" I asked, confused by her surprise.

"No, it's just in high school, you didn't really date," she said.

"We're not in high school anymore, Carls," I replied. She nodded her head sadly. I felt like I'd just told a kid that there's no Santa Claus and that he's adopted.

"Yeah, things were simpler and better then, huh?" I didn't answer and just looked at Freddie. It was a while before I realized that he was looking at me too. We both looked away at the same time. It was then that I realized Carly was looking at Freddie too. "We had each other, iCarly, all those crazy adventures, the parties, the sleepovers, AHHHH!" Carly yelled.

Both Freddie's and my eyes widened in fright when Carly randomly screamed. She turned to me and started jumping up and down. Spencer burst through the door, Mitchell close behind.

"What? What happened?" Spencer yelled. Carly looked at him confused.

"Nothing, why are you here?"

"Because I heard my little sister scream at the top of her lungs! Carrrrllllllyyyyy," Spencer whined, realizing that it was just Carly being over-dramatic. I laughed. Nothing had really changed, not that I expected anything big.

Carly turned back to me and smiled. "What?" I asked, a little creeped out. Did she always smile before?

"Let's have a sleepover today. You and me, like a girl's night!" she squealed. "Only this time you can't sneak away in the middle of night," she half-joked.

"I won't," I promised. I turned to Freddie. I smirked at him. "Upset you won't be here to gawk at Carly in her skimpy PJs?" He snorted.

"Sam! My pajamas are not skimpy," she blushed. I rolled my eyes at her "innocence".

"And you forget Sam, I've already seen Carly naked," he pointed out.

I figured out later on that he was just trying to keep talking to me but at that moment, I felt so stupid. Stupid that I was letting myself be affected by this dick who wanted to move from one best friend to the other. Those types of situations never worked. I felt stupid that I ever even imagined that I could be with him in any shape or form. I felt stupid and worthless and embarrassed.

I could feel my cheeks heat up. Before I could reply, Spencer groaned in disgust. "That's my cue," he said, rushing out the studio and downstairs.

I chuckled, remembering how Spencer had found out that Carly and Freddie were…sexually active. I had been sitting in the hallway, eating a fatcake when Spencer came home. I tried to stop him from going inside but he wouldn't listen to me. That was until he realized that Carly and Freddie were alone in the apartment. Then he screamed and fainted.

"So, how exactly am I finding my way around here?" Mitchell asked. I huffed and dragged my feet.

"Come with me. I can get you to your grandmother's house and I'll help you later," I groaned. I took his hand and took out my purple sharpie that I always kept in my back pocket. I wrote my number on his hand. "Don't wash your hands for a while. I'll be back losers," I called out behind me. I held Mitchell's hand and skipped out the door. He raised his eyebrows.

"Why Samantha!" He said in a fake southern accent, laughing afterwards. I laughed too, as he began skipping with me. When we got downstairs, I whistled for a cabbie. It was a habit I picked up in New York and believe it or not, it's not done as often as the movies make it seem. Actually, I was the only one. "Ditching me? I saw this coming," he pretended to frown.

"It's like you've known me your whole life, right?" I said smirking. I waved to him as he was driven away. He didn't really need me today when he had the cabbie. I wanted to hang out with Carly. And I might've wanted to see Freddie some more. I like to torture myself.

···

_I can't stop this train, I can't get off _

_But I can't go back, I've come too far to stop _

_There's too many signs to read them all _

_There's too many roads I need to stumble down_

_I've gotta get my head straight _

_I never thought a day like this would come _

_I'll never be the same way as once_

When I got off the elevator, who should be there but Freddie? I smiled weakly at him and walked past, hoping to avoid another talk. But, of course, he walked beside me.

"What do you want now, Fredwiener?" I asked, stopping and turning towards him. He abruptly hugged me like he did before and sighed.

"I missed that," he whispered. I pushed him away.

"And I miss fatcakes but I don't go around hugging any which one I can find," I replied. He smirked at me. "You never answered my question."

"I wanna talk to you," he said. " I have to go visit my mom at the hospital right now. Meet me later at the fire escape."

"No thanks." I tried to go away and he pulled me back to him. "Ok, I've had enough of that." I twisted his arm and he let go.

"Ow, Sam!"

"You shouldn't put your hands on me like that," I said like it was common sense.

"Come on, why won't you meet me?" he whined, stepping dangerously closer to me.

"Maybe because you're dating my best friend. Or maybe because you've seen her naked. Or maybe I just don't want to," I responded.

"No, you want to. But, Carly and I—"

"I don't want to know!" I interrupted.

"I bet I could make you talk to me," he whispered taking one more step closer. We were just 2 centimeters apart now. I felt déjà vu and smiled.

"What, you're gonna kiss me?" I asked. He shook his head and my face fell a little.

"Unless you want me to…" I psh-ed in an attempt to act like he'd seen a trick of light when my face fell. He smirked at me again. I really hated this confident Freddie. "I can promise you a small box of fatcakes." I gasped, my eyes widening. I grabbed him by his collar, (the nub still wore polos.)

"You better not be lying or I will turn you into the first human pretzel," I threatened. He laughed, leaning in to lightly kiss me on the lips. I let go of his collar, stunned. The nerve of this boy.

"I'm not," he promised.

"But they closed down the fatcakes factory before graduation. That fatcake I had was part of a stash I'd made when they announced they were closing down. Stupid health inspectors."

"I know this guy whose father was the owner of fatcakes. Turns out he has a whole warehouse full of them. But yeah, I remember," he said. "I think that was the first time I ever saw you cry." I punched his arm.

"And the only time," I replied.

"No, there was also after graduation…on the fire escape," I rolled my eyes at him when I noticed him leaning closer. I put my arm out in front of me, holding him back.

"Oh god, Freddie. As long as you have the fatcakes, I'll be there." He nodded, smiling like a little girl. I punched his arm again.

"You're such a dweeb," I said chuckling at him. I pulled my arm away and Freddie, the nub that he is, dove at me and kissed me. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me to him. After a while, it was just too hard not to kiss him back. His tongue was practically begging for entrance and I granted it, knowing this kid was dead after this.

When we broke apart, he winked at me. I was, however, giving him the death glare and he realized this, slowly backing away. He pressed the down button on the elevator repeatedly, looking back at me. It was like he was in a horror movie and it made me snicker. To help the horror movie effect, I walked slowly.

I got to him right when the elevator doors opened. I pushed him inside roughly and he hit the wall. I pressed every floor button and stepped out of the elevator as the doors closed.

"Have a nice trip," I said, smiling and waving. I walked back into Carly's apartment. She was sitting at the island, on the iCarly website. She turned to me.

"Guess how many views our video has gotten in the last, like, 30 minutes?"

"Like a Zarillion and a one," I guessed, flopping down onto the couch. She laughed.

"Zarillion? Really? No, but close. Almost 300,000. Everyone is watching it, for those who didn't tune into the live webcast. And your new look is all anyone can talk about," She commented, sitting down next to me. I rolled my eyes. Of course.

"Ugh, I am so tired and jet-lagged. Carly, make me a sam-ich," I said, referring to the "Sam" sandwich that was just bread, every type of deli meat, and mustard. Carly breathed out and gave me a side hug.

"I really missed you, Sam," she said. I nodded my head.

"I missed you too, Carls," I felt awkward for thinking about Freddie at that moment. I really wanted him back here. And maybe we could kiss like that again…

I couldn't decide if I had taken steps backwards or forwards, coming back. Had I even improved when I lived in New York? Again with the self-analyzing!

I leaned more into Carly's hug and started to cry. Carly looked at me, confused.

"Oh my god, Sam, what's…" I cried even harder. I was so tired, and a horrible friend; and I'd missed them both so much, one more than the other. I didn't want to deal with all of this. I wanted hair dye, hiding in foreign apartments, meaningless flings, and those yummy days where my problems just seemed to melt off of my skin.

"I'm so sorry, Carls," I said between sobs. "I never wanted to hurt you. It was just so hard…being here, and I wanted to leave but I was scared to confront you…"

"Sam Puckett, scared of confrontation? I guess I have seen everything," she joked, hoping to lighten the mood. I chuckled.

"I felt like if I talked to you…you'd hate me and I can't, I can't have you hate me so I just left. But the dork-osaurus caught me and made me feel bad and I've had that weight on me this whole time," I broke away from the hug, wiping my tears with my hand. "Can you forgive me, Carly, for being the shittiest friend ever?"

Carly hugged me again, right away. Even though I was upset, these hugs were getting annoying.

"I know it's hard for you to open up and I've accepted that. When you left, I was really sad, but I assumed it was what you had to do. I think Freddie was the one who was the angriest at you," I tried to ignore that comment. "I'm glad you've talked to me now, Sam. Yes, I can forgive you and I hope that you'll come to me with your problems. Not run away without at least saying goodbye to your best friend," Carly said, in her motherly voice. That was one of the things I liked about Carly, she was like the mother I never had and my best friend all in one. I wasn't going to bother seeing my mother, knowing she wouldn't care.

I sniffled, smiling. "Thanks Carls. Now about this sam-ich," I brought it up again. We both laughed again and Carly stood up.

"Right on it," she said.

···

_I wanna know if this is for real_

_I've gotta know what fate has planned for me_

_I give in, I give in_

_I give in, I give in _

We lay down in her bed, looking at the ceiling; her room was still the same. We talked about our lives, filling each other in on what's happened since graduation. It was once we got to the topics of boyfriends that I became really uncomfortable.

I had started with my tales of Ernesto, Mark, Christian, and how I almost met Johnny Depp when I was on a date with this French guy. Then Carly spoke.

"Wow. Johnny Depp," she said.

"I know right. But I would just like to acknowledge how creepy it is that this guy has been hot and adored for like 3 decades," I replied. Carly laughed with me.

"I never even thought of that," She paused. "But, um, you had a lot more boyfriends that I did." I looked at her, confused.

"What do you mean? Wait, you and Freddie…"

"Yeah," she said, her voice quivering. "He broke up with me two months after you left. I could feel him slipping away but I thought he was just shocked that you left, and then he'd get over it." She started crying. My eyes widened and I thanked the heavens that Carly couldn't see how guilty I looked.

"Aww, Carls," I said, hoping to comfort her. I was so tired of all the hugs so I put my head on her shoulder.

"It turns out that there was more, that he was just staying with me because he felt bad about you leaving but after those two months, he just couldn't take anymore," she sobbed harder and I knew I had to hug her. "I've had two boyfriends since but I miss him so much. I can't help thinking about him even when I go on dates and stuff," she chuckled. "Ok, don't tell anyone this cuz I'm really embarrassed about it but when I was, you know, and I got to that…high point, I said Freddie's name," she covered her face as I laughed. I laughed because I didn't want to cry and because that's so hilarious. Stupid guy must've felt like the tool he was.

"Stop laughing, Sam! It was so embarrassing and I felt so bad for the guy,"

"All I need to know, is, do I know him so I can tease him about this restlessly?" I asked, still laughing. She shook her head.

"He's from my dorm but anyways, yeah. But Sam, that only happened a few months ago," she responded. I stopped laughing and moved away from Carly. "I'm still in love with him and I was hoping that since Christmas is only a week away and we both have off, that we might get back together," she continued.

I gulped, wanting to die. I was in love with my best friend's boyfriend. I should just die in the world of clichés. I knew that Carly was waiting for me to say something but I didn't know if I could talk without bursting out that I still loved him too.

"You guys are perfect, Carlotta. There's no need to worry. You'll be back together in no time," As the words came out, I realized how right they sounded. How my little dream of Freddie and me was as intangible as world peace. Carly snuggled next to me and sighed.

"Thanks for your vote of confidence," she muttered before falling asleep. Nothing like a good cry put Carly to bed.

I debated with myself if I should really go meet Freddie. Could I do that to Carly? Could I do that to myself, knowing that they were endgame and I would never be anything more than a stop along the way?

···

_Believe me when I say_

_There's something I wish I could say_

_You were always so good to me_

_Even when it's so hard to be_

_I sailed myself too far out to sea _

_On favored whims that won't sing for me_

_There'll be no rescue, no finding me_

_As I become an old memory_

_You once knew, You once knew _

Then I remembered the fatcakes. It was the push that I needed but I didn't decide until around 2 am. I was just starting to get tired and now I had to go meet him. He couldn't get mad at me for coming this late. He said later and I was still following his instructions.

I came to the scared window and stared at him. He wasn't facing me, instead, facing the skyline. He was sitting in the lawn chair. He never moved it?

I opened the window and stepped out. He turned abruptly. He obviously had been dozing off while waiting for me to come.

"I knew you'd come at some odd hour," He smiled at me with sleepy eyes. I shrugged. "Can I ask you something?"

"Shoot."

"Why red?" He extended his arm so he could touch my hair. He played with it for a little while before letting go.

"I was reminiscing about Paramore and looking at their old videos. I was watching Pressure and I really like Hayley's hair in it. Plus I needed a disguise so I went to a hair salon, got my hair dyed, and have been doing it ever since." I walked around so I was in front of him. In his lap was a small box. He handed it to me and I opened it. This was enough fatcakes for the next three days. I smiled at him and kissed his cheek.

As I backed away, he grabbed my hand to pull me back. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath.

"Freddie," I sighed. "Carly still loves you." He stopped pulling me and I opened my eyes.

"So you know that we broke up. Now there's nothing in our way, Sam, I broke up with her for you," I shook my head.

"Did you not listen to me? She still loves you! She cried tonight, when she was telling me about it! I can't just get with you," I explained, backing away from him. He stood up, still holding my hand.

"Oh please, Sam! This isn't about Carly. Not fully. Even if she had said nothing, you would've come here tonight to tell me no. Am I wrong?" I didn't reply, just stare. "Exactly. I don't understand why though." He moved so close to me that I could feel his heartbeat. It was going as fast as mine at that moment, and that was the speed of a racecar.

"I don't want to explain. It'll just make this mushy and gushy. It was different when I was drunk and I cared less. But, I just wanted the fatcakes," I lied. I also wanted to kiss him again. He rolled his eyes at me and I pulled my hand away from him.

"What do I have to do to prove that we are perfect for each other?" I raised my eyebrows at his question. "Alright, perfect isn't the right word," he said as he re-thought his argument. "But we're compatible."

"So are you and Carly," I countered.

"Why do you always bring up Carly? She has nothing to do with us!" he yelled. I put my package of fatckes down because I was getting upset and I might lunge at him.

"You must be really naïve if you think Carly has nothing to do with us! She has EVERYTHING to do with us! In case you've forgotten, let me remind you that you were convinced you were in love with her until I left," I yelled back at him.

"You're wrong," he said, his voice quiet all of sudden. "I thought I was in love with Carly until we…kissed for the first time. It felt…right but of course I wouldn't admit it. I think even before then, I was questioning my true feelings for Carly. And then I saved her life, and then the lock in and everything between. I love you, Sam."

My eyes widened. What?

He took my paralyzed state as a chance to kiss me. This was what I had been waiting for and I kissed him back right away. I leaned into him, causing him to step backwards but he pushed back. We both moved so that we were sitting down; him in the chair and me on his lap. Every time we broke for air, he repeated that he loved me.

Our makeout session really started to heat up when we both started pulling at fabric that was in the way of what we wanted. That's when my Sam logic kicked in.

"Freddie, if you loved me, then why were you with…her?" I asked, softly. He froze for a second and I could feel the doubt flow off of him. He didn't really know if he loved me. "Don't act like this has only been me pushing you away," I said my voice wobbly. I stood up and turned away from him just as the tears started pouring. "You walked away as well."

"Sam, I told you before, that I was doing what I thought I was supposed to do. I did love you but I thought you'd never love me and I thought it was just a waste of time—"

"It is a waste of time to love me," I interrupted, getting a little hysterical. "So just stop and get back with Carly. She is who you're supposed to be." I picked up my box and began leaving. I was halfway through the window when Freddie stopped me.

"I don't want Carly. I want you. And I will do whatever it takes to make you believe me, ok?" He had started crying too. I turned to him and laughed at his tear-stained face. I leaned to kiss his cheek but he turned his head to meet me on the lips.

"Please don't Freddie. I'm hurting enough without you making it worse," I said.

"Us together would make both of us happy. You can't try to deny your feelings for me, I know it already. I want you to stop hurting and I know I can do that," He leaned closer to me and followed me as I stepped back into the hallway.

"Yes," I admitted. His eyes widened; he hadn't been expecting me to agree. "But I don't want you to." I walked back into Carly's house, not looking back no matter how much I wanted to. I hid the box of fatcakes in my duffle bag and snuck back into bed with Carly. She didn't need to know a thing and he needed to get over it.

Productive day back.

···

_It's silent as I sink into the sea_

_Weightless as the tide carries me_

_To darker water where I believe_

_Something's down here waiting for me_

_The numbing cold is taking from me_

_Everything, I'm so far beneath_

_My eyes, they open one last time to see_

_You are staring right back at me_

**A/N: **The third chapter, finally done! Sorry for the long wait. Here are a list of obstacles that stopped me: School started again, My participation at the March of Dimes, I'm training to be a day camp counselor, I babysit and don't get home until around 8, I have AP tests and the SatIIs in a couple of weeks. I know that doesn't really mean anything to you guys but I promise I will try to update quicker. I already know what I'm doing for the next two chapters. And also, I just spent most of Mother's Day doing this instead of "bonding" with my mom. I think that counts for my delay. Also, this is another Birds of Tokyo song. I may be obsessed but I did find a new song that I love by Friendly Fires. Watch out for their chapter, should be soon! XP


	4. Careful

···

_I settled down_

_A twisted up frown, disguised as a smile _

_Well, you would've never known _

_I had it all but not what I wanted_

_Cuz hope for me was a place uncharted and overgrown _

Things were a little easier. Just kidding.

Christmas was 3 days away so it meant that soon, Carly and Freddie would be together and happy, like they were meant to be. Since I did not intend on going home, Spencer said it was all right for me to stay there. I practically did in high school anyway. I had been avoiding Freddie since we talked and Mitchell had turned out to be the perfect distraction, just like I'd hoped. The only thing that I hadn't counted on was Mitchell being cool enough to hang out with all of us.

Carly insisted that everything we did, Mitchell come too. Freddie seemed to hate Mitchell and when Freddie asked about it he said, "Mitchell's such a nub." His jealousy was a little comforting and I'd be lying if I said I didn't smile everytime Freddie glared at Mitchell.

Things felt a little normal at this point. We were all in Carly's living room. I was laying on the couch, watching Girly Cow upside down; Carly was on the computer, internet stalking this kid from her college that was super cute; Freddie was sitting beside me, glancing at me every few seconds. Mitchell was looking at all of Spencer's sculptures.

"These are really cool. All done by your brother?" he asked, looking at Carly. She nodded, smiling at him.

"Who else, dipwad?" I asked him. "It's kinda obvious that nobody else would waste their time building this stuff."

Spencer walked into the living room from his room. "Glad to know my art is a waste of time," he said, pretending to be offended even though he knew I didn't mean it. I don't know how many times I actually do mean the stuff I say.

I burped, nodding towards him. "That was for you," I winked at him. Mitchell laughed. I looked at Freddie, glaring at Mitchell and rolled my eyes. I swung my feet around, pushing Freddie off the couch.

"I wanna lay down. You're in the way. Move!" I whined. Freddie got up relunctantly.

"Where am I supposed to sit?" I shrugged.

"Why am I supposed to care?" I countered. He smiled at me and I smiled back, not thinking about what I was doing. I gave him the finger, hoping that it would take away the smile but it didn't. He just shook his head at me. I turned back to the TV, lying on my side.

I felt a huge weight on my legs and looked to see that Mitchell had thrown himself over the couch onto me. I stared at him confused. He shrugged.

"I wanted to sit down," he said, taking a sip of soda. I snatched the soda out of his hand because it looked really good and pushed him off the couch roughly.

"Not on me, idiot." He got up and gave me an evil smile. "What?" He started inching closer until he attacked me. He started tickling me. I laughed, kicking my feet and wriggling around. He wouldn't stop no matter how much I hit, punched, or kicked him. I was laughing so hard that my sides hurt and I cried.

"Stop! Please! Stop!" I pleaded, yelling.

"Let me sit down," he demanded. I glared at him for the millisecond I could stop laughing. I tried to think if it was worth it to give in. I couldn't stand to laugh another second, this was the worst kind of torture. The only thing that I can think of that could've possibly been worse would be starving me.

"Fine, fine." Mitchell stopped tickling me. He wore a smug look as he sat down on the couch. I adjusted my breathing and my clothes. I noticed that Carly was giving me that stupid smile, Freddie looked ready to kill (yay?) and Spencer was fascinated. Mitchell smiled at everyone and turned the channel as well. He began watching that complicated movie about dreams.

Freddie sat in between us and turned to me. "How come you give in to him but you won't even talk to me?" he whispered. I kept looking at the TV and ignored him. He sighed and leaned back.

"What's the matter Freddie?" Carly asked sincerely. He shook hid head.

"I think his antibacterial underwear have given him a wedgie," I suggested.

"Sam! That's not it," Carly said. "Freddie talk to me. You used to talk to me all the time. Now we only talk on the drive to and from here. I miss you Freddie." I looked down. It had been almost a whole day without me thinking about what a horrible friend I am for falling for this nub. He was Carly's and I knew that. Freddie looked at me.

Mitchell cleared his throat, thankfully stopping the awkward feeling in the air. We all looked at him. "I want a smoothie. Anyone want one too?"

Carly hopped off her chair and handed him a 5. "Get me a Strawberry Splat." Freddie handed him a 5 as well, asking for the same thing as Carly.

"Big surprise," I said. "You are buying mine and I like to have T-Bo make me my own personal one." Mitchell nodded.

"As you wish, Your Highness," he replied bowing. I laughed. We started walking when I heard a big noise behind me. I turned around to see Mitchell splayed on the floor.

"Uh, what happened?" I asked. Mitchell got up and leaped at Freddie. Carly and I both gasped. Spencer and I moved towards them, hoping to stop the fight before it got too bad; though, a battle of the nubs would be very entertaining. Spencer grabbed Mitchell, who then put up even more of a fight. Spencer had to hold him tighter. I held Freddie back.

"Stop!" Carly screamed. She ran in between them, looking back and forth. She walked up to Mitchell. "What is your problem?"

"The little bitch fuckin' tripped me for no reason!" Mitchell yelled.

"It was an accident, you faggot!" Freddie responded. I put Freddie in a headlock.

"Don't use that fuckin' word," I growled into his ear. I made my hold tighter, not realizing he was starting to choke.

"Sam, stop it! You're hurting him," Carly said, pushing me away. He coughed, holding his throat.

"What's wrong with you? It's not like I meant it," Freddie said. Everyone stared at me. Spencer had let go of Mitchell at that point.

"But that's not what matters. You're never supposed to use that word. EVER! God, you're so annoying. And leave Mitchell alone!" I grabbed Mitchell's hand and dragged him outside. I slammed the door behind us and slid down against it.

I looked up to see Mitchell fidgeting. "What?" I asked.

"Why'd you freak out like that?" he asked me.

"Because I don't like that word," I said, hoping that he wouldn't ask for further explanation.

"You're not a lesbian, are you?" I shook my head, laughing.

"Is it impossible for me to be straight yet passionate about gay rights? Anyway, I could ask you the same question. Why'd you freak out?"

"Because I'm tired of his shit," he answered. I could relate to that. "I know he glares at me and talks shit about me and he tripped me on purpose and I snapped. I've been trying to be nice to him cuz he's your friend but I will cut him the next time he says or does something." I shrugged.

"Fair enough," I said.

"But won't you be upset? You guys' attraction is obvious," he replied.

"Shut up. I don't feel anything. And I don't want to talk," I muttered, standing up. He shrugged.

"Fine. Let's go get these smoothies, Your Highness." He bowed again, offering me his hand. I laughed. I took his hand and curtsied.

"Yes, let's, court jester," I replied.

"Hey!" He responded, making me laugh again. "Really? Forget you, bitch," He started walking away. I fake-gasped.

"Why, I never! Off with his head!" We both laughed as we walked into the elevator.

···

_You make your way in_

_I resist you just like this_

_You can't tell me to feel_

_The truth never set me free so I did it myself _

I sat on the bed that Spencer had gotten out of storage for me. I didn't feel like sleeping but I didn't want to be downstairs watching those stupid chick flicks with Carly and Freddie.

I couldn't stop thinking about this afternoon. Freddie was a lot more confusing than he needed to be. He's also incredibly irritating. Everything about him. His whole "good" act, his tech talk, the way he laughs, his smile, his smirk, his face, his eyes…

He also had been a fucking idiot. Mitchell was just as hot-tempered as I was. It was one of the things I liked about him. I could snap at him and he would snap right back. It was one of the things I missed about Freddie. Now whenever I snap at him, he just quiets down. Freddie didn't seem to bicker with me anymore.

Mitchell wasn't a bad guy after all. He was like my guy Carly and we'd only known each other for a few days. He was definitely someone to remember and someone that I want to keep close to for a long time.

I sat around with my pearpod hooked up to a pair of speakers. I was listening to The Amazing Broken Man, a musician found from the undeniably excellent British tv series Skins. As much as I hated the usual cliché teen soap operas like The Vampire Diaries and 90210, I did love Skins. Half because it was a different culture with adorable accents and half because I did like the storylines they covered. Some stuff still made me roll my eyes though.

I was listening to New Year Son when Carly came upstairs. I smiled at her, holding the stuffed pig that Freddie won for me at that carnival. He had originally played the boardwalk game for Carly but she didn't want anything. So he got me the pig and I keep it on my bed when I sleep and when I wake up. I named my piggy, Porca for the Italian word for pig. It makes it more fancy.

Carly sat down next to me and took Porca from my hands. She smiled at it, probably remembering the carnival differently than I did. She remembered it as when Freddie told her he was staying on the west coast instead of going to MIT for her. If it hadn't been for Porca, I think I would've burst into tears right there. It was a sweet gesture. Just not for me. For my best friend.

"Why do you listen to this sad music? I'm, like, ready to cut myself," she joked. I didn't laugh. That wasn't a laughing matter to me.

"I don't know. It matches how I feel most of the time," I said absently.

"Why are you sad most of the time?" she continued to question. She was trying to talk to me but I just didn't feel like it. I wanted to sit around and think. Yeah, there was something wrong with me.

"Carly," I sighed. "Why are you here?"

"I just came to say goodnight. Freddie and I finished watching Titanic," Carly responded. She let herself be easily distracted too much. Soon, we'd never have a serious conversation. That wasn't bad for me but she cared about stuff like that. "And I also wanted to ask you about something."

"Spit it out, Carlotta," I said as Misguided Ghosts by Paramore came on. I loved that song.

"I was wondering if you would help me," she replied. I tiltled my head in confusion, an annoying habit I picked up from Melanie. I hadn't spoken to her in a while but I think she expected that. I did miss her even though I'd never tell her that. "Help me get Freddie back. I wanna, like, come up with a plan."

"Uh, no, Carls. Sorry,"_ But I love him too. _"I'm not getting involved in things like that. We're practically like sisters but I'm not gonna be in any type of romantic schemes." Carly nodded her head. I could tell she was upset that I didn't want to help.

"I understand. I just wanted an undercover agent," she said in a sad voice. She was trying to guilt me but unlucky for her, it wasn't going to work. I shook my head.

"No Carly. That's your own personal business. I don't want to be a part of that," I replied. She threw Porca back at me and stood up.

"You should listen to more cheery music, Sam. Be happy," she suggested as she left. I flopped down on my bed, wondering if I should tell Carly. Would she be mad at me? Would she be able to understand? I wasn't going to risk my friendship with Carly for some angsty non-relationship with Fredweirdo.

I sat up when What Is and Should Never Be by Led Zeppelin. My classic rock influence came from my older brother, Daniel. I started craving that new bacon ice cream that they had at Denny's. Knowing that it was highly unlikely that Spencer and Carly had it, I went downstairs in the search of something sweet. And there was Freddie.

He smiled at me when he saw me, looking me up and down. I stared at my choice of pajamas for tonight. An oversized t-shirt I'd gotten from Marshalls with those PINK short-shorts and yellow thigh-high socks. I felt exposed even though most of me was covered. Freddie was wearing his same outfit from earlier today, his black jeans, a green-stripped polo with a gray shirt underneath.

"Why are you still here? I though Carly said that you guys were done," I said, walking past him to the kitchen. I opened the almost barren fridge and almost died. When was Spencer going food shopping?

"We were but I asked if I could crash on the couch. It'll just be me because my mom's working the late shift so I figured, why not stay here?" he said, following me into the kitchen. I opened the freezer, pretending to ignore him. I found a frozen pizza and a half-full tub of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream. Jackpot!

"And I also had a feeling you'd come down if you thought I was gone," he said, pulling two spoons out of the drawer. I smiled at him.

"You got two spoons for me, you're just too nice," I said, ignoring his previous comment. I snatched both of them out of his hand and began searching for the cookie dough. I put the pizza in the oven, hoping this wouldn't take too long. The less time around this dorkwad alone, the better.

Freddie pulled out another spoon and began eating it with me. "I'm sorry about earlier," he said. "If I offended you or hurt you in any way, I didn't mean to." I could tell that he wanted to talk about the whole fire escape thing.

"Can we not and say we did?" I asked seriously. I didn't want to do this.

"No, Sam, you have to let me explain myself,"

"I really don't have to do anything. I'll do whatever the fuck I want. And if I don't want to listen to your stupid fuckin' explanation, then I won't. And you'll just deal with it like you always do," I replied.

"And what if I don't want to?" he countered. I scoffed.

"No one cares what you want. I don't. It's all about me," I said. He snorted, watching me search for more cookie dough. I put the regular vanilla and chocolate chips back until it was only chocolate chip ice cream.

"I think you're lying. I think you care about me," Freddie said, walking a little closer to me. I rolled my eyes. I wonder what he was gonna do. Kissing me could not be that much fun.

"Well you're as wrong as ever," I responded.

"Nope, I don't think I am. I think you looove me," he said, dragging out love. I snapped my head towards him. I narrowed my eyes and heard the timer beep. My pizza was ready.

"Say that again if you don't value your life," I threatened. He gave me that stupid smirk that made me want to punch the dorkiness out of him.

"I think you love me," he said, leaning forward to whisper it in my ear. I grabbed his collar and pulled him so that we were eye to eye. He laughed. "Do you know how easy you make it to kiss you?"

I pushed him back too hard, causing him to stumble and fall. I laughed, pointing at him. I turned around and took the pizza out of the oven without the gloves. It wasn't that hot. As I turned back around to set the pizza down on the table, I bumped into Freddie. I hadn't realized he was so close or when he had even gotten up. He took the pizza out of my hands, momentarily screaming like a little girl because it was so hot, and put it on the table.

"What's so funny, Sam?" he asked, pushing up against me. He grabbed my wrists and put my arms behind my back. I was forced to look up at him, (puberty had made this ass too freakin' tall.)

"Your face," I answered. I pushed back at him and he started going backwards. I twirled out of his hold and twisted his arm behind his back. He let out a groan of pain. I smiled. I still had it. "What? That's all you got?" He chuckled.

He swung me so that I was sideways and then put me onto his shoulder. I kicked and squirmed until I made contact with his kidney. He put me down and I hit him, pushing him down. He pulled me with him and of course, we somehow ended up in a straddling position, me on top. He stopped putting up a fight.

"I'm still stronger than you? That's just sad," I said, smirking down at him.

"No, you're not. Watch," he replied. I braced myself for his attack and fought to keep him down. But he rolled us over so that he was on top of me. "See? Impressive huh?" He smiled at me. I struggled underneath him but he wouldn't let me move.

"You're such a turdburger!" I grunted as I continued to wriggle and squirm, hoping to get free to no avail. He chuckled again.

"No need for mean words Sam," he leaned down so that his lips were right by my ear. "Unless that kind of thing turns you on." I could feel the heat rushing through my body, especially in the face area. He laughed. "You're blushing. I made Sam Puckett blush."

"Don't get too cocky, Fredison."

"I wonder if I can do it again," he thought out loud. He leaned down again and I froze. He rubbed his nose against my jawline, I could feel his breath on my neck. He let his fingers make trails up and down my body. I let out a small sigh and he snickered. "You want me to kiss you, Sam?" I shook my head. He sat up, looking at me.

"No, Freddie. You don't understand how much it hurts, I can't. You need to forget about me, ok? Whatever feelings that you have for me are temporary, so don't—"

"How do you know?" he yelled, getting off of me.

"Because it's the same with everyone! No one is interested in me for long!" He opened his mouth to prove me wrong but I stood up, putting my hand over his mouth. "Just let it go Freddie." I turned around, getting my pizza and all the cookie doughs from the ice cream. I went upstairs to eat, listen to music, and maybe watch some Skins, leaving Freddie like nothing had happened. I was so good at pretending that nothing was wrong, nothing had changed, and stuff of that nature that I almost fooled myself sometimes.

Sometimes.

···

_You can't be too careful anymore_

_When all that is waiting for you_

_Won't come any closer, you've got to reach_

_A little more, more, more, more, more _

Mitchell loved Christmas shopping with me and I have to say, he made it very interesting. With Carly and Melanie, we always had to stop at the girliest stores you could think of and try the samples (perfume, make-up, fabrics, etc.) With Freddie, he was so focused that I had to beat him up to get his attention. When Christmas shopping, he searched for the perfect gift and if he failed, well; he cried once because Spencer already had some new artsy paintbrush. I took pictures and posted them on the iCarly website. Spencer never went Christmas shopping (my kind of guy,) and instead made you art projects. They were always super cool.

Mitchell was like the twin I wished I had. We only stopped at stores we liked and bought ourselves stuff. We hid in stores and scared the customers. We argued with people for stuff we didn't even want and when we won, gave it to them anyway. We had been walking around the mall for a good 2 hours when I realized we still hadn't bought the stuff we meant to. I was of course using Mitchell's money that he had so generously offered after I beat him at a game of poker.

"I should really get presents for people," I said as we leaned against the railing, throwing some of our food at the people below and acting like we didn't.

"Like who? Your beloved Freddie or that bitch Carly," he asked.

"Both. And Carly's not a bitch!" I exclaimed.

"She is to me. Bitch took the jackass's side when she didn't even know what happened," he said as he threw down the lettuce from his burger. We both laughed when it moved this man's toupee to the side. He looked up at us and we both stuck out our tongues.

"Whatever. You got $50 more?" He nodded, handing me the money. "Are you rich or something? How do you have all this money?" I wondered, confused on how all this spending didn't faze him.

"Yeah, my grandmother's rich. She just hands me rolls of money every now and then. You know how people always make jokes about grandmother's sending $5 checks?" I nodded. "My grandmother sent $500 checks."

"Cool. So you don't mind spending it all on me?" I continued to question. He shrugged.

"I don't want it so…" I didn't ask why he wouldn't want loads of money because some people were crazy like that. Like Gandhi and Buddhists.

"Oh, I almost forgot…" I paused a little embarrassed by what I was about to do. But Carly had threatened me and sometimes, she can be as scary as Melanie. "You know how Carly's having that Christmas party in like two days?" He nodded. "You wanna go with me?"

He stopped walking and smiled at me. "Are you asking me on a date?" I punched his shoulder. He took that as a yes and laughed. "I'm flattered but, no."

My eyes widened in shock. I never thought that he'd say no. He'd been so cool; I'd just assumed that he was attracted to me. I felt like an idiot and was now super embarrassed.

"Oh." He saw my fallen face and frowned.

"It's not cuz you're unattractive or anything. It's just," he sighed and closed his eyes. When he opened them, he looked at me seriously. "I'm gay." My eyes widened even more. I'm pretty sure if he told me anything else, my eyes would've fallen out of my head.

"WHAT?" I screamed, shocked. He laughed at my reaction.

"Yeah, I'm gay, homosexual, love dick, whatever else you wanna use to describe me." I smiled at him. He was awesome. Then I remembered yesterday.

"Oh my god, Freddie's such an dumbass. He called you a…"

"Yeah, I'm never forgiving him for that. That's why I was so confused on why you got so upset when he said it. I thought you figured it out and told them," I shook my head. "You still haven't really told me why you did freak out."

"I don't wanna talk about it. Touchy subject," I replied. He nodded his head. We continued to walk.

"So…" I started. "You're gay." He nodded again, laughing. "Why'd you move here though? Isn't New York one of the gay capitals of the world?"

"Yeah but my family had never really been okay with it. A few weeks ago, my mom set me up on a date with, who I thought, was a guy named Tyler. It was a girl. So I wanted to get away from them for a little while. But my grandmother feels bad about it and she also thinks I need a lot of money to adopt so that's why she keeps giving it to me. It's basically pity money." I raised my eyebrows. His life was just as screwed up as mine, he was in a different category.

"Shit." I offered my sympathies by buying him a corndog with his money. "But you know what this means right?" He looked at me confused before shaking his head.

"You're my gay husband," I said, smiling widely. He choked on his corndog from the giant laugh he had.

"I'm your what? I have no idea what you're talking about," he replied. I rolled my eyes at him.

"My gay husband! My…mom used to tell me about it, how I should try to get one because it's very valuable. A gay husband is a gay guy that if he weren't gay, you guys would be perfect for each other. Epic romance and everything," I explained, snatching the corndog out of his hand.

"That's one of the silliest things I've ever heard but I accept the label," He bowed in front of me. "I'll be your gay husband, Your Highness." I curtsied. We both laughed and turned to walk away.

When we walked past a Pear Store, I paused to look inside to see if I could scan for a present for the nub. I would get him a present despite everything because it would hopefully help my friend campaign. But of course, the nub was inside. When he saw me, he smiled and walked towards me. Mitchell laughed and took some of my bags.

"You're dealing with him on your own. Sorry wifey," he said, giving me a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Fuck you," I yelled as he walked away. When I turned back, he was right in front of me.

"Hey Sam," he greeted. I waved my hand and sighed, walking inside the store. I might as well get his gift while he's here.

···

_Open your eyes like I opened mine_

_It's only the real world_

_Like you will never know_

_Shiftin' your weight to throw off the pain_

_Well, you can ignore it_

_But only for so long _

We walked around in silence for a long time until he finally spoke.

"So, hows ya been?" he asked, casually. I shrugged, looking at these cool new phones. They were practically weightless but held a lot of those byte-things. That was good according to Freddie. I wasn't into technology. It was too much math and science, the worst subjects in the world!

"Are you not gonna attempt to have a civilized conversation with me?" he continued to ask in an annoyed tone.

"No. Everytime I try to get things back to the way they were, you always screw it up," I said. He chuckled and moved to stand in front of me.

"That's because things won't be the same as they were. Why won't you understand that?"

"Because it's not true! You're just not trying! Carly is trying and I love her for that," I said, ready to yell and argue with him. He didn't reply. He just stared at me intensely. I looked away frequently and then look back but he was always staring at me. I was getting very uncomfortable. "What do you want from me Freddie?" I asked, sighing. I was exhausted and this had only happened for a week.

"I want…you to tell me why we can't be together," Freddie said. He reached out for my hands but I put them behind me. I sighed again and looked down. I gulped multiple times wondering if I wanted to do this. It was so much work to talk about your feelings! This is why I never did it!

I looked back up and I hate to say that his eyes made me melt like the teenage girl I used to be. I had to fight that smile-you know, the one that you give when you see your crush and he smiles at you or looks at you. "Ok, ok." I was about to begin when I noticed that there were several people looking at me. The iCarly buzz had begun again, what with our show beginning again. And my hair was given its own unwanted popularity. I'm pretty sure it's still trending on Twitter.

"Come with me," I grabbed his hand and dragged him out of the store. I looked around until I found the perfect place to talk alone. I pushed him into the family bathroom of the mall.

"Sam!" he complained, blushing. I rolled my eyes at him.

"You want me to talk, I'll talk. In here," I closed the door behind us and readied myself to expose myself. These moments have always been the most frightening parts of my life. And nothing really scares a Puckett.

"Ok, so here's the thing. This isn't all my fault," I said, diving headfirst into the conversation. Freddie sat down on the toilet, realizing that this would be a while. "For the longest time, you told everyone with a pulse that you were in love with Carly. You believed it, she believed it, I believed it. It's pretty much been branded into my brain. But I could feel myself…falling in love with you," I paused as the self-pity engulfed me. I watched Freddie give me those sad eyes, the same as Spencer, and I wanted to cry. "I tried to stop but I couldn't. You're just so you and I hate you! But I also love you and I knew you could never love me back. I accepted it; I know I'm all wrong for you; though, you seem to have forgotten that you were meant to be with Carly and have this frenemy relationship with me. Just remember how much you loved Carly and get back with her. She misses you and I think it's what best for both of us. We could go out but you would eventually go back to Carly. You would kill me emotionally and feel guilty for it. I don't want that and I hope you don't either," I let out a deep breath, finishing my monologue.

Freddie stood up and walked towards me. He was close enough to kiss me but if he wanted to live his happy little life, he wouldn't. I didn't mind kissing him but I definitely would bitch-slap him to Venus if he even tried to kiss me.

"I…" he hesitated. "I have a confession to make." I was ready for this. When he admitted that he still loved Carly and he was just gonna use me to get back with her. That he only loved me as a sister. That he just felt bad all those other times he kissed me. I was ready for my heart to break. What was another time after the millions?

"I'm not a minister, you don't have to make any confessions to me," I joked, hoping to make a softer break if I was in a better mood. He smiled at me but his smile slowly turned into a frown. He looked down, unsure of what to say and then back at me.

"I lied," he said. I gulped, blinking the tears away.

"About what?" I asked keeping my voice strong and oblivious to the serious atmosphere.

"When I told you that I loved you," he answered. I gasped, immediately crying. Even if I had convinced myself that there was no way that he could ever be in love with me, there was still that foolish hope that kept pushing inside my brain telling me that he did. He tried to step closer but I backed away from him. I was embarrassed and humiliated and I wanted to die. Nothing could be better than death at that moment. I backed into the door and opened it to get away.

He ran up to me and grabbed my arm, trying to get me to listen. "Sam, I'm sorry, I—"

"YOU'RE SORRY!" I yelled. I knew I was causing a scene and I lowered my voice. "No, Benson. You will be sorry, I just, I can't think, I can't breathe, I…" I sobbed. I turned away from him and ran away. He ran after me, screaming my name.

"Sam, I can explain! Just listen to me!" He yelled after me as we approached the fountain. "Sam, I might lov—"

"Don't you DARE say love!" I screamed, turning back around. He backed away from me frightened. "If you ever use that word around me…" I continued to cry. He walked forward slowly and tried to hug me. I think that was when I truly lost it. I kicked him. Hard. Between his legs. He bent over, groaning in pain. In that position, it was easy to shove him into the fountain. Then I walked away like I did nothing.

As I stepped outside the mall, I breathed in the fresh air and tried to hold back the tears as I called Mitchell.

" 'Ello?"

"Mitchell, are you still here?"

"What'd he do?" he asked in that protective brother voice.

"I just wanna go, please," I cried into the phone. I could hear the screech of his tires as he probably made an illegal and dangerous turn.

"I'll be there in less than 10 minutes," he promised. I nodded even though he couldn't see it. "Don't do anything stupid." I smiled as I hung up the phone. If all else failed, I'd always have my gay husband.

···

_You look like I did, you resist me just like this _

_You can't tell me to heal _

_And it hurts remembering how it feels to shut down_

It was the night of the Christmas Party. I hadn't spoken to Freddie or Mitchell since that day. It had been mostly Carly-Sam time.

Christmas morning was for exchanging presents. Spencer had made me an abstract painting that was supposed to be a portrait of Porca. I gave Spencer a remote-controlled paint splatter that was on fire within 8 minutes of his getting it. He had a curse. Carly gave me a gift card to the supermarket. That may seem like a lame gift but it was the best one. Tomorrow, there would be so many sales because it's the day after Christmas. I could get enough eggnog and meat to last until April. Or January, whichever suits me. I gave Carly a cute purse that I found in the mall and a new camera. She had wanted one of those Nikons for forever and she still hadn't gotten one. She squealed for both presents and I felt happy. Freddie was there but I ignored him.I never did get him a present so it was fine. Spencer and Carly noticed the tension between us but didn't say anything.

Christmas afternoon was for getting ready for the party and making sure everything was in order. Carly paid special attention to me, wanting me to look my best for Mitchell. She was wearing a full length, dark green halter dress with pearls. She curled her hair so that she looked kinda like a brunette Shirley Temple. She refused to let me pick out my own outfit and even watched me get dressed so that way she knew I would wear it. She had wanted to have my hair flat but I insisted on having it wavy. I hadn't worn my hair wavy in a while, not with the red. Carly made a deal with me: I get wavy hair but I have to wear heels. They weren't big heels but I still grimaced at the sight of them. My outfit was a dark blue dress that was long and flowy. It wasn't bad at all, the only problem I had with it was that it was strapless. I ignored Carly's complaints and put on a small cardigan over the dress. I put on a necklace that was a family heirloom. My mom had given it to Melanie even though Melanie already had a family heirloom. It was a small emerald on a gold chain. The fact that my mom didn't pawn it shows how important it was. I had on not a single drop of makeup (Carly was luckily too preoccupied with her own makeup to notice me walk away.)

Christmas evening began the party. It was originally supposed to be a dinner party but as more and more people were invited, it became more of a party party. Mitchell and I stood side by side in the kitchen, making fun of Carly's cousin Frank, the weird guy who kept staring inside the punch bowl and Freddie's nerd friend, Garrison. It was then that a tall brown-haired guy walked into the apartment. Carly ran up to hug him and he smiled at her. I assumed he must've been a college friend of hers. He was certainly handsome enough to have fallen in love with Carly Shay.

"Who is he?" Mitchell asked, raising his eyebrows.

"I don't know," I answered, shrugging. "But he keeps looking over at us."

"Please let him be gay! Please let him be gay!" he chanted under his breath. I laughed as the guy walked over to us.

"Sam?" he wondered in a very attractive voice. Mitchell pinched my arm.

"I know you?" It was then that I saw the boyish features he used to have. "GIBBY?" I exclaimed surprised. He nodded, laughing. He leaned down to hug me and I hugged him back. This super hot guy was Gibby?

"It's good to see you, Sam. We all missed you a lot," he said, his voice deep and rumbling. I smiled shyly and began twirling my hair.

"Did you now?" He chuckled at my fake flirting moves and nodded. I stopped, chuckling with him. "Well, it's good to know that one of you broke out of your dweeb shell," I commented. Gibby looked over his shoulder at Freddie. Freddie looked away like he hadn't been watching us. I rolled my eyes.

Giby shrugged. "I wouldn't say that. You seem to have rubbed off on Freddie. He was acting a lot like you after you left. And you never know," he said. "I might get the urge to take my shirt off." His smile that followed made me want to take him upstairs where he could take his shirt off for me and only me. That's how hot he had become.

I looked at his huge biceps, knowing that he would most likely have abs as well, and raised my eyebrows at him. "That wouldn't be such a bad thing this time around, right Mitchell?" I turned to see that Mitchell was gone. "Bastard! Makin' me look stupid," I complained.

Gibby and I laughed when Freddie walked up to us. "What's the joke now?" he asked, smiling. His biceps looked less tasty compared to Gibby's. Never in my life did I ever think I would say that. Surely the world will end.

"Oh, nothing, just re-introducing ourselves," Gibby answered. He held out his hand for me to shake. I looked at it and snickered.

"No," I said simply. Gibby gave me his sexy smile again.

"See? Just like before," Gibby looked at Freddie. They had a silent conversation and both walked away. I stood there confused when I felt a shoulder bump into mine. I turned to see Mitchell. I punched his shoulder.

"What the fuck I did I do now?" he asked.

"You left me alone with Gibby and then Freddie came here like Gibby was trying to pee on his tree," I yelled, punching him a few more times. Mitchell laughed at me.

"Well, it was obvious that he was straight so I left. No reason drooling over food you're allergic to," he explained, rubbing his arm. I snorted.

"Nice analogy," I commented. He smiled at me. "So what were you doing after you abandoned me?"

"I was talking to Spencer about the pros and cons of painting," he said. I noticed the way he said Spencer's name. That was the same way I spoke about Freddie with Mitchell. I gasped and he looked at me.

"You have a crush on Spencer!" I whispered, pointing at him. Mitchell blushed and looked down.

"Shut up!" he replied, punching my arm this time. It actually hurt and I know knew what it was like being friends with me.

"You know he's straight, right?" Mitchell nodded.

"I know it's hypocritical but there's just something about him. It could be love," he sighed. I laughed.

"Yeah. Spencer has that way about him that makes you like him. I used to have a crush on him," Mitchell glared at me. "Used to! He's all yours," I said. Mitchell calmed down.

"You know, you never did get me a present even though I so generously bought you your own deep-fryer," he said.

"Look, I'll give you a gift. I'll try to give you maximum alone time with Spencer. I bet you I could Carly and Freddie disappear a lot," I replied. He smiled and hugged me.

"I think that's the best gift I've gotten ever," I rolled my eyes at his dramatics. I pushed him off of me.

"Yeah, you're gay," I confirmed. We both laughed and went to get some refreshments. ···

···

_Can't be too careful anymore _

_When all that is waiting for you _

_Won't come any closer _

_You've got to reach a little more _

_More, more, more, more_

_The truth never set me free _

_The truth never set me free _

_The truth never set me free_

_So I'll do it myself_

We stood next to each other, watching as the party happened. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. A dance song from when we were in high school came on and everyone started dancing. We had moved the couch earlier so that there was more space. Mitchell held out his hand for me to dance.

"M'lady?" he said in his fake Southern accent. I laughed and took his hand, leading him to the "dance floor." We danced and joked around. It was that type of fun where you didn't think about the problems in your life and it was that type of fun that I missed. I looked around for Carly because we hadn't talked all night. It felt weird that I was having a good time without my best friend.

I found her dancing. With Freddie. Closely. They smiled at each other and it felt like Senior Prom all over again. I felt my heart squeeze and shrivel. The pressure around me began to push me down. I looked back at Mitchell with tears in my eyes. He looked to where I had been staring and sighed. We both stopped dancing. He hugged me and sighed. I pushed him off, running to the bathroom.

I locked myself inside and let myself cry. It looked like Carly's plan was working. I looked at myself in mirror. "You're pathetic," I muttered at my reflection. I cried even harder as if someone else had just said that to me. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" I yelled. I slid to the floor still crying when someone banged on the door.

"Go away Mitchell!" I yelled.

"No, Sam. Just talk to me," he said.

"I don't talk," I responded.

"Maybe you're just thinking too much of it. We were dancing and we're friends," he kept talking through the door.

"But we were never in love,"

"Maybe they never were either. Stop acting like a little girl, Sam, toughen up. You're an adult now," he reprimanded. He was supposed to be my friend and he was yelling at me! I opened the door to yell at him and he walked inside.

"It's hard to be an adult when you feel like this," I defended. Mitchell rolled his eyes at me. I paused, repeating what I had said in my head. "Oh god, this is bad. I need to snap out of this."

"Yes please. I'd like to go back and think about Spencer some more," he said. I chuckled and looked at myself in the mirror. I washed my face to get rid of the tear stains.

"Stop this Sam," I said to my reflection. "Stop it and toughen up. This is just a schoolgirl crush that will amount to nothing. You need to get over this guy." I turned to Mitchell when I stopped. He was trying not to smile. "Fuck you," I walked past him downstairs.

···

_You can't be too careful anymore_

_When all that is waiting for you_

_Won't come any closer _

_You've got to reach out_

_Can't be too careful anymore_

_When all that is waiting for you_

_Won't come any closer_

_You've got to reach a little more_

_More, more, more, more _

It was around 1 am, the early morning after Christmas, and the party was ending. Gibby had left a while ago, not before dancing with me 3 times, 2 of them slow. It was nice. Carly had come up to me when I came downstairs to tell me all about her dancing with Freddie. I smiled and joked and encouraged like I was supposed to.

Freddie hardly talked to me the whole night. I was conflicted on whether that was a good thing or not. I wanted it to not care but every time we walked past each other, I kept hoping just to make eye contact with him.

It was just Freddie, Mitchell, Carly, and I. Spencer had left a while ago. Carly and I sat on the couch, our feet stretched out to the table. Freddie was putting leftover food in plastic bags and Mitchell was laying down on the dining table. He fell asleep a few minutes ago.

"Ugh, next time you have a party, don't invite me," I moaned into a pillow that I was lying on. Carly chuckled.

"You loved it. And I saw you with Mitchell. And Gibby," she teased. "Who do you like more? I mean Gibby has definitely changed but you and Mitchell seem like twins." I huffed and groaned.

"I don't like either of them," I said firmly. "Though, Gibby is now on my list of people to do," I joked. Carly and I both started laughing. Freddie took his plastic bags out of the apartment and came back shortly after.

"What are you doing with all that food?" Carly asked, confused.

"Yeah, don't you know that any leftovers are automatically mine?" I said. Freddie smirked at me.

"If you want it, then come and get it," he responded. I sat up and then fell back down.

I shook my head pouting. "Too much effort," I whined. He laughed at me, shaking his head. He continued to move more bags. I threw my shoes onto the floor.

"Carly, would it be bad if I went to the laundry room to skate around on the carts?" I questioned. She chuckled.

"Not today," she answered. I smiled at her and went outside. I went to the elevator to see Freddie inside one of them with what looked like 20 bags of food.

I stared at him questioningly and he smiled at me. He stepped forward and pulled me inside. He closed the elevator doors as I tripped over the bags. I stood up and glared at him.

"What are you…" He hit the up button and as the elevator started to move, he hit the emergency stop button. My eyes widened when the elevator shook and stopped.

**A/N: **Another chapter finished, finally! I think this may be the longest chapter I'll write. I'm so sorry for the long wait! But there is good news: school is ending soon! Officially, my last real day of school is June 14th and then it's just tests. Also, I've already started the next chapter so if I really try, I could have it up by the end of this week. And I realized that Sam and Freddie were a little OOC but I think the way I'm doing this fanfic, they're gonna have to be sometimes. If you didn't already know, the song is by Paramore. Hope you liked the chapter! XP


	5. Heart Skips A Beat

_···_

_Heart skips a beat_

_My heart skips a beat _

My heart was racing as my brain went into panic mode. I blinked a couple times before I ran to the elevator doors, pounding on them, hoping that someone would hear me. I could not be stuck in this elevator with this nub. That was when I realized that HE was the one who got us stuck here in the first place.

I turned toward him, glaring. His eyes widened and he backed away to the other side of the elevator. "Sam, there's no need to freak out," he said slowly like he was talking to a dangerous animal. And he was.

I scoffed at him. "No need to panic? No, I mean, it's not like we're trapped in an elevator around 3 am, the day after Christmas, when NO ONE will be able to help us! That's not a reason to freak out."

"I needed to find a way to get you to talk to me," he defended himself. I looked at him, confused and looked at the plastic bags all around us.

"Wait, so you planned this!" I yelled. I started to walk towards him, slowly for the horror movie effect. It didn't matter how I felt about him, I was going to rip his head off.

"Sam, please don't hurt me, I just wanted to explain myself," he pleaded. I stopped when I was directly in front of him and crossed my arms across my chest.

"In five words or less, tell me why I should take your limbs and use them to beat the life out of you," I offered him this one chance because I can be kind. Once a month.

"There-is-food-for-you," he said and then covered his head with him arms. I looked at him, snickering, then looked at the dozens of bags on the floor of the elevator. This was all for me? I pouted because I really wanted to beat him up.

"You may live," I said as I walked to a corner and sat down. I opened one of the bags and began to devour what was inside it.

···

_My heart is playing tricks on me_

_It's building bricks on me_

_And I can't break through_

_And I can't face you _

There was some food I hadn't even known was there- like my beloved fried chicken. There was a lot of that which kept me happily busy for a while. Then, of course, the nub had to open his mouth.

"So, did you have fun at the party?" he tried to act innocent but I knew at any point he was gonna get serious.

"Can we not and say we did?" I said, taking a bite out of some fried chicken. "I really don't want to do this."

"You heard what Lewbert said. It could be hours before anybody gets here to help us. That's a long time to not talk. Even for you," he said, smiling at me.

"I refuse," I responded, stubbornly.

"Sam, will you please talk to me?" he asked. He sat across from me, eating from the two bags that were for him. I had been so generous when I was originally going to give him half of a bag. I groaned, rolling my eyes.

"Why does everyone want to talk to me? Do you not realize who I am? I don't talk! Why do you keep trying to force me?" I yelled.

"Because forcing or bribing you is the only way to get you to do anything!" he yelled back. I could tell he was annoyed. "Will you at least let me talk to you? I wanna explain myself." I glared at him for bringing that up again.

"You can talk but that doesn't mean I'll listen. I told you that I don't wanna go through this," I replied.

"I don't care what you fuckin' want!" Freddie was pissed. My eyes widened. He wasn't one to curse. "I'm gonna talk and you're gonna listen," he yelled, pointing at me. I had rarely seen Freddie aggressive and I'd be lying if I said it wasn't incredibly HOT. I smiled a little, looking down so he wouldn't see it.

He began to talk and I dropped the chicken back into the bag. I covered my ears, humming so I couldn't have to hear him. He tried to talk louder so I stopped humming and started singing to myself. I sang When I'm Small by Phantogram, closing my eyes. I opened them in the middle of the song to see that Freddie had stopped.

"You're a really good singer," he said. I stared at him, wondering if he was gonna try to talk again.

"Okay."

"You're also really childish," he added. He was frustrated with me. I smiled and stood up to curtsy. He tried not to smile. "I give up."

"See, now was that so hard?" I asked as I sat back down. We both smiled at each other. I went back to eating my fried chicken.

···

_My world is turning slowly now_

_But it's burning up somehow_

_I need some time to know what's right_

_Cause it's only in the quiet that I feel some relief_

It had only been an half-hour since we got stuck here. I had taken Freddie's watch when we got stuck here so I could keep track. The curiosity was eating me up inside. I really wanted to know why he lied and what was going on between us. It all seemed so girly and I just didn't want to deal with romantic feelings. Romance and love is when everything gets complicated. I wanted a simple life, even if that was asking too much.

"Alright, alright," I said, rolling my eyes. Freddie looked at me confused.

"What?"

"You can explain yourself," I mumbled. He smiled and looked excited.

"Thank you so much, Sam. I really am sorry," he replied.

"Just do it before I change my mind," I snapped. He nodded, still smiling. He tried to move closer to me but I moved away. "This is fine. I can hear you from here." He took a deep breath and gave me his intense gaze.

"Ok, so...what I told you before was true. I was confused with us because I knew I was developing feelings for you too but I convinced myself that I liked Carly and not you," I looked away from him at that point and he said sorry to me before continuing. "And then, you kissed me at the lock-in. And I knew that I did have feelings for you but you wouldn't talk to me about it. So I decided to try and erase me feelings for you and focused on Carly. Carly was easier than you so I kept thinking that maybe this was love. I wasn't sure. After our first kiss, I was never sure."

He paused, waiting for my reaction. My face was blank, I wasn't sure how to feel about this. I was still processing the information.

"Keep going unless you're done," I muttered. He nodded.

"Then, it was around graduation and I knew I was gonna miss you. A lot. More than anybody. I didn't want to feel anything for you so I just hid with Carly. I don't know if she noticed how distant I was getting. I think she did because she started forcing more time together and less time with all three of us and I encouraged it along with her. On graduation, you looked so beautiful, I kept wanting to tell you that I felt something, even though I wasn't completely sure what it was. Then I kissed you and you kissed me back and I wanted you so badly at that moment," He closed his eyes, breathing in. "Then you left and I went into a depression. Like I was listening to all those indie bands and more and I cried...because I missed you and I wanted you. Before you came back, I had a girlfriend and so I was pretty happy. But the day you came back, I had broken up with her so it was crazy to see you. I was willing to say whatever it was I needed to be with you. Even, lying and telling you that I loved you when I really didn't know."

"Why did you tell me you loved me?" I questioned.

"I thought it was what you wanted to hear. Girls seem to like that type of stuff. I do like you, Sam. And I could love you. I don't know how I feel about you or Carly. I'm confused and I'm sorry that I can't give you an acceptable answer," he answered, moving closer to me. I kept thinking, wondering if this was what I wanted to hear. It wasn't and it hurt. He tried to stop liking me, liking me was too complicated.

I burst into tears, crying uncontrollably and loudly. Freddie watched me, stunned for a moment. He hadn't expected that. He tried to hug me but I stood up and walked away from him.

"Don't you fuckin' touch me! I hate you so much! I hate how you make me feel, I hate that you do this to me," I cried even harder. God, I was pathetic around this guy. "And I hate that it's alright for me to love you but for you to love me is..." Freddie looked at me, sympathetically.

"I'm sorry, Sam," he muttered.

"Because sorry makes everything perfect. Sorry was a word created to try and take back whatever bullshit that you did. Well, I don't forgive you, Freddie. I don't want anything to do with you," I said. "Just leave me alone. Please." Freddie looked away from me and sniffled. I continued to cry and sat down. I brought my knees to my chest and cried into them. I wished I had "I Dream of Jeanie" powers. I could put my arms together, bob my head, and I could disappear. This was not worth it and I couldn't remember why I let Melanie convince me to come back.

···

_I'm trying hard not to resist the joy_

_Don't listen to me, I'm being paranoid_

_I might try hard but it's too hard to avoid_

_My heart skips a beat, my heart skips a beat_

It was almost an hour we'd been stuck in the elevator. I had stopped crying and started eating again. This time I was eating some appetizers. Whoever had catered or made food for the party had put weird things together. It was a mix of Asian, European, and American foods. I was eating pigs in a blanket, curry puffs, and chicken satay.

It was starting to get hot inside the elevator. I opened a bottle of water that Freddie had gotten from the party. Apparently, the only beverages that people hadn't drank at the party was water and juice. Stupid alcoholics.

"Isn't there supposed to be an A/C in the elevator?" I asked. Freddie looked at me, his face tear-stained. He was upset that he had made me cry and had silently cried. He was such a pansy but I wasn't much better. He chuckled.

"It's winter," he said. I smiled, laughing at myself. "That's the first time I've ever seen you laugh at yourself," he comented.

"There's a lot of things you don't know about me. One that you learned today is that I occasionally laugh at myself," I replied. He laughed.

"Well, you don't know a lot about me," he countered.

"I know you're confused about love," I teased. He stopped smiling, afraid I was starting an argument. When he realized I was joking, he laughed. He took off his suit jacket.

"I'm glad Carly's not here, she would've cried," he laughed.

"Yeah, with her whole claustrophobic thing. Remember the space simulation room, if I hadn't been so worried about her I would've laughed so hard," I replied.

"I don't know if you remember but I did," we both laughed.

"She also freaked out when she was in the closet with me and my mom," I told him. He nodded. We had had out own separate adventures during that week. That happened every once in a while.

"How are things with your mom?"he asked.

"Well, you know how things were when school was ending. Not the best, especially since she used all my college money on a trip to Vegas with Brad. Yeah, they were having some sort of relationship," I told him. His eyes widened.

"Wait, what? Brad was dating your mom? You had college money? How come I never knew any of this?" he asked, surprised and upset. I shrugged.

"I told Carly about the money. Not about Brad though. That's why I was so mean to him and fired him," I said. I could see his mind putting the pieces together and understanding everything.

"How'd he even meet your mom?"he questioned.

"He picked me up from the house once and my mom was wearing her good bikini and it just went down from there," I said.

"That sucks. That'd be like if my mom was dating...Gibby," he pretended to throw up. I snickered.

"Yeah, it was really bad," I commented, wanting to get off this topic. Freddie was usually perceptive and knew when I was uncomfortable with something. This time, however, he didn't seem to realize it.

"And what about your money? How long were you saving that?" he asked.

"It started when I was born. My grandpa made it when I was born and always put part of his retirement money into it. Him and my grandma did that for me and Melanie. But then they died in an attempted robbery when we were 10 and it stopped for a while. At least for me. My mom kept putting money into Melanie's and forgot about me. I started putting money into it during junior year when I started wanting to go to college. I applied to a bunch pf places but I had to ask about financial aid and in the end, I just decided not to go," I said. "Maybe I wasn't meant to go to college." I shrugged. Freddie gaped at me.

"Why didn't you tell anybody, like authorities or something? There is no way your mom could get away with something like that!"

"It was my account but she could get into it whenever she wanted. And Melanie got a scholarship so she gave me her money which was a lot more than mine," I pointed out.

"Then why don't you enroll now? College is important, Sam. I know some people aren't meant for it but it's usually in college when people figure out what they want to do. What do you want to do?" He wondered, leaning towards me. I looked at him, realizing how much I had said and that he had taken advantage that I wasn't paying attention to him.

"You live for moments like this, don't you?" I asked, smirking at him. He smiled and nodded.

"I'm guessing that share time is over," he said.

"You were always smart, Freddie. Sometimes, you just had your brain facing the wrong way, like when you thought it'd be a good idea to lock us in this freakin' elevator," I growled, throwing my open bottle at him. It splashed him and got him soaked. He gasped and stood up.

"Oh, you asked for it, Puckett," he grabbed another bottle of water and we ended up having a mini-water fight. Until we remembered that both of our clothes were dry-clean only.

"I actually liked this dress," I pouted, turning away from him because it was his fault. Freddie chuckled and wrapped his arms around me.

"I'm sorry, Princess Puckett," he whispered into my neck. I smiled. We both tensed at the position we were in. "I'm sorry," he said again, letting go of me and backing away. I nodded and sat down next to some more bags that still had food in them.

"We need to stick to being friends," I said plainly, before he could begin his "Date Me" campaign.

"I want to be more than friends, Sam," he sat down next to me. I scooted away from him. "You do too," he pointed out.

"Don't even start right now," I warned. He backed away, putting his hands up.

"Just stating a fact," he said. I looked at him and frowned.

"I know," I admitted.

···

_My heart is always the first to know_

_And as the feeling grows_

_I can't deny, push those thoughts aside _

The food was running out. Freddie kept giving me nervous glances once I pointed out that there was only 3 bags of food left and a little bit of stuff to drink since we almost wasted the water.

"Can you stop doing that, I'm not gonna beat you up," I said, annoyed. "I'm over it already."

"You never get over anything," he commented warily.

"I get over some things. I've matured," I puffed out my chest. He looked at me skeptically. "A little." He snickered.

"I believe that, you have changed since you came back. I told you that I'm happy you're back?" he asked, smiling at me. I rolled my eyes.

"Yes, you told me. And why are you so scared about me beating you up? What happen to your superhero strength?" I asked. He laughed.

"I wouldn't call it superhero but I started working out a long while ago. I just never tested my strength on you until now. Plus, I'm sure you'll be happy to know that even though I most definitely can beat you in a wrestling match, I'm still very much afraid of you," he answered.

"You can't beat me at a wrestling match," I argued.

"Yes, I can. Remember? When you wanted to prove you could still beat me up and I proved you wrong and then, I made you blush?" he said, moving closer to me. I smiled, turning away from him.

"I wasn't focused. I was thinking about my food," I lied. He nodded his head, pretending to believe me.

"So, let's wrestle now then," he suggested, rolling up his sleeves.

"Fine," I said, crouching a little. I pounced on him as he cracked his knuckles. He caught me as we fell down but I pulled myself of his grip. I tried to grab hold of his arm but he got both of mine first, flipping us over. I struggled underneath him as he chuckled. I wrapped my leg around his waist, which unintentionally distracted him enough so I could put myself back on top. I smirked down at him.

"You forgot about my "womanly charms" Frederly," I whispered into his ear to get him back. He blushed. "You're blushing. I made Fredwardo Benson blush. Want me to do it again?" I leaned lower. He looked up at me and smiled, nodding.

"You're not succeeding in what you want to do. I'm not embarrassed, I want you, I'll admit it. But you won't. That's why it was fun teasing you. In case you haven't noticed, I haven't been struggling against you," I hadn't noticed. "I like you on top," he continued, winking. He slowly sat up so that we were face to face. I pushed him down and got off of him.

"You always ruin the fun," I told him, pouting. He sat up and looked at me seductively.

"You look...adorable like that," he said in a low voice, wrapping his arms around my waist. I stopped pouting right away. I pulled them off and moved away from him.

"You need to cool off," I responded, throwing some water at him. He gasped like he did before.

"Only you," he thought out loud, shaking his head and smiling. I smiled back. He stared at me, obviously deciding on whether or not to mention something he knows I'll have a problem with.

"Just ask me!" He snickered at me.

"What are you doing after we get out?" he asked. I looked at him confused.

"Sleeping for two whole days. Why?"

"I was wondering if maybe you'd like to go out with me," he said. My eyes widened and I breathed out a sigh. How did I not see that coming? I chuckled a little and clapped slowly. "What?" He was confused now.

"You never give up," I said.

"And you never give in," he countered. I winked at him and we both laughed.

"Touché."

···

_My world is full of loveliness_

_But I focus on the stress_

_My heart says go but my brain says no_

_And it's only in the quiet that I hear myself breathe _

It had only been an hour and a half.

"Okay, there is no way time is going so slow and it keeps getting hotter and hotter faster," I complained, flopping down on the floor. I laid down on the floor and kicked my feet. Freddie chuckled at me.

"Maybe if you stopped looking at MY watch every 3 seconds, it wouldn't seem so long," he said.

I rolled my eyes and picked my head up to glare at him. Then I realized how he could be of use to me.

"You know, Freddie," I started, sitting up slowly, making sure to emphasize every curve I was fortunate to have. His eyes were focused on me. "It really is hot," I fanned myself a little before giving up and pouting. I looked at him, knowing now that he loved my pout. "Would you be so kind as to help me cool off?" I asked. He nodded his head, absentmindedly and moved to sit next to me. He took a clean plate out of one of the plastic bags and began to fan me with it. I smiled. Guys were too easy.

It wasn't long before the fanning stopped and Freddie looked at me confused.

"Wait a second, you-you,"

"-used my womanly charms to get what I wanted. It's only been done for, I don't know, ever!" I finished his sentence for him. He narrowed his eyes at me.

"You teased me and that's meaner than anything you could possibly do," he replied.

"Oh god, don't be such a baby. You act like guys don't tease girls as well," I said.

"Guys don't do it as much as girls. Girls think they can just shake their...bodies, and guys will come running,"Freddie said.

"Because they always do!" I defended. "If guys didn't act so goddamn desperate all the time, girls wouldn't take advantage."

"This is why guys always cheat on girls. Because girls make guys crazy with the etasing, the empty promises..." I smacked the plate out of his hand and glared at him.

"Oh yeah, because women are the ones who tell their husbands and their boyfriends to be with someone else. Because women go and have sex with other guys when they aren't having sex with their partners. No doubt that cheating in relationships is more complicated than that but don't you dare try to make some statement like that. Get the fuck away from me. I'd rather be sweating than by your sexist ass," I said firmly turning away from him.

He sighed. "I'm sorry, Sam, ok? I was just upset that you used me like that. I'm used to it but this time, I don't know, my hopes got up that maybe you were willing to take the next steps and then I realized, you just wanted me to fan you." I didn't reply. "You could've just threatened me you know?" I smirked and looked back at him.

"I know, but I wanted to see if this would work," I said.

"You know I'd do anything for you, Princess Puckett," he responded. I smiled and turned around completely so that I was sitting next to him.

"My dad used to call me Princess. Not with the Puckett, though," I commented.

"You never talk about your dad," he said, his eyes analyzing me.

"You never talk about yours," I countered. He nodded. "I think the only missing parent we know about is Carly's."

"Bitch," we said at the same time. We smiled at each other briefly before looking at the wall opposite us.

"Ok, so here's a deal, I'll talk about my dad if you talk about yours," Freddie offered. I shrugged my shoulders.

"I don't mind. You go first though,"

"I don't mind," he imitated. "Um, my dad, he was a journalist and he liked to travel the world. My mom used to go with him and help with the Peace Corps, the Red Cross, all that stuff, so she could be close to my dad. Then she got pregnant with me and decided to wait for my dad in New Jersey, at his parents house. My parents both went to Princeton for a little while before dropping out. That's how I know college isn't right for everyone. But uh, after I was born, she wanted to settle down somewhere, preferably where there was free health care," he chuckled. His mom was always crazy about healthiness then.

"But my dad didn't want to settle, he wanted to report on what was happening around the world. Him and my mom got into a huge fight and they kinda broke up, though he would come back every now and then to see us. We moved here when my grandfather died and my mom decided she wanted to live in Seattle. The last time he came back, he took us to a trip to New York, September 7th, 2001," I gasped and he paused.

"He wanted to report on the attack, raced out of our hotel, and...didn't come back. He was crushed under the collapse, along with his camera. If it wasn't for the tattoo he had of a forget-me-not, my mom's favorite flower, my mom wouldn't have been able to recognize him. My mom tried to get us home immediately but taking a plane was almost impossible. Instead, we stayed with my dad's parents in New Jersey until my mom found a way for us to get home." I looked at him sympathetically and hugged him.

"I'm so sorry for your loss," I muttered into his ear. He chuckled.

"I thought sorry didn't mean anything," he replied. I punched his arm lightly.

"I know how to use my manners, I just choose not to." I smiled at him. "Wow, I had no idea...that's crazy," I said. He shrugged.

"It's still sad for me but I just can't think to cry anymore. When I was younger, I thought my dad was a hero of sorts. Then, in high school, I thought of him as an idiot for not just staying with me and my mom. He only thought of himself and what he wanted. He didn't think of me or my mom so on those memorial ceremonies, in my head, I'd always say "good riddance, jackass." And I'm not wrong. He was selfish but I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm apathetic towards the subject of my dad," he explained. I nodded my head.

"Me too," I started. "My parents got married, had this huge wedding and everything. Both my dad and mom's parents were part of the wealthy middle class. My mom's parents disowned her because she married my dad and she always used that to guilt him into stuff. They didn't like my dad because he was Russian. My real last name is Burtsev but I changed it after he left. He left my mom when I was about 9 cuz he didn't love her anymore. He used to send me and Melanie letters, telling us how sorry he was. Melanie replied but I never did. He left us alone, with my mother. You've seen and heard how horrible that was and he thought sorry would make it okay. I never saw him again. And last year, he killed himself."

"What?" he exclaimed as his eyes widened. I nodded.

"Yeah, my mom called Melanie and told her that these lawyers came by while she was "entertaining a guest" and told her that he killed himself. He left us some money that my mom took most of but gave a good sum to Melanie, which Melanie gave to me. He also left us all letters. My mom's apparently said how much he used to love and how he'd always love her but that she broke him and he didn't want to deal with that. Melanie's was about how he was sorry for doing this, he was sorry he left and missed out on our lives, all that jazz."

"What did yours say?" I shrugged.

"I burned it," I replied.

"You what?" Freddie said, shocked.

"I didn't want to hear what he said so I destroyed it the only way I knew it would be completely destroyed. But leave it to Melanie to be one step ahead of me and have a copy of mine for when 'I'm ready'" I said. "I hated my dad after he left. He was the only one who treated me the way everyone treats Carly. When he left, I didn't feel that way again."

I looked at Freddie and the way he looked at me. It didn't feel right and I wanted it to stop.

"You know, you should date Melanie. She looks like me but has 95% Carly traits, it's your perfect girl for you,"I half-joked.

"I don't care that you're not Carly. I don't care that you're not perfect for me." He was trying to be nice but I was hurt. He knew this stuff? He knew what I had been trying to tell him all along? And here I thought I was convincing him to not like me.

He noticed the dangerous quiet as my mind and heart hurriedly built back its walls. "Wait, Sam," I pushed him away.

"Don't, Freddie,"I said.

···

_Oh, I know this time 'cause it's physical _

_My blood has stopped_

_And I am breathless as well_

_But I need a minute to convince myself _

"Don't what Sam? Tell you the truth! I know you're not perfect for me! You're angry at me when I lie, you're angry at me when I tell the truth. You're never happy and I don't seem to get the chance to be angry," he yelled at me.

"I'm angry at you for lying to me about LOVING ME! That's a big fucking deal, not just something you lie about! And I'm angry at you because you suck at convincing me to be with you! What's with all the shit of "you're not perfect for me" "you're perfect for me." Make up your fucking mind! Do you want to be with me or not?"

"Like you're not playing hot and cold as well? Right now, you're acting like you want to be with me but you keep telling me to forget about my feelings, that I shouldn't act on them because it's temporary. I'm trying to please you because I want you to be happy!"

"No, you're trying to tell me what I want to hear so you can get in my pants! Man up and tell me what you want me to hear! You're such a fucking child!"

"I'm a child! I"M a child! You're the one who won't talk to me. I'm trying to talk things out, act like a motherfucking adult and you're avoiding me, ignoring me. You're probably the most childish person I know!" He took a few steps toward me.

"And you're not! I'm sure trapping me in an elevator so I could finally listen to your pathetic explanation was the adult-approach to the current situation!"I responded.

"And running away from your problems is how you solve them," he replied. I took a step towards him now. We were both glaring at each other, ready to rip the other's throat out.

"At least I'm not confused about everything! You don't know how you feel! Do you even know what feelings are or were you in New York that day they went over that in school?" Freddie moved so that our bodies were almost touching. His hands were fists, tight by his side and we were both ready for a fight.

"Don't you dare Sam! I have my rules about hitting girls but I will cross them out if you even think about saying something like that again! How dare you use my trust in you like that!" he yelled in my face. I kept my face blank but did soften a bit. It was foul to bring up his dad like that.

"I'm...I shouldn't have said that. But why can't you decide who you like, and how you feel! What's so confusing? You either like Sam or you like Carly! And of course, you'll realize that it's Carly!"

"Why do you always make decisions for me? Did I say it was Carly? Will you stop acting like you know what I'm thinking! And why do you have all these insecurities about Carly? Why can't we leave her out of the conversation when we're talking about us?" he asked. I looked straight into his eyes, and leaned up so we could see each other clearly.

"Because she's who everyone wants! No one wants me! My dad, my mom, my sister, you, she doesn't even want me! She keeps me around for a good laugh and someone to make her look better than she already does. Do you remember when we had that stupid dance and I told the guys in the Seattle-area could get a date with her? Do you remember how many came? There wouldn't have been that many for me! Fuck, Gibby wouldn't even go with me. Everyone loves Carly and puts up with her charity friend, Sam because one day, Sam's gonna be gone, in jail or dead. That's why I keep bringing her up, because no matter what I do, I can never amount to her!" I stepped away while Freddie gave me his intense gaze I knew well now.

"Alright, let's go through this. One: you've brought some of this on yourself by being so mean to people. No one wants to hang out with someone that bullies and disrespects them. Two: Stop making assumptions about what people think. You're not psychic and I can tell you that most of your assumptions are wrong," he paused to move a little closer to me.

"And yes, Carly's nice and she's pretty, I won't lie to you about that. She tries to please everyone, she goes out of her way to be nice, and she makes herself pretty. You don't try and you're beautiful. You're beautiful as a blonde, as a redhead. You'd be beautiful bald! So do you get it Sam, do you understand? You're better because it's effortless for you, you're the real thing and she...she's just a pretty picture that'll fade into a foggy memory." I looked up at him. He was so cheesy yet, so hypnotizing and my heart was beating fast. He leaned down slowly to kiss me and I let him. I wanted to be kissed at that moment. But there was that doubt in my head that told me this was wrong. That I was a bad person. That no one should or could love me. I pushed him away and punched him right across the face. He stumbled into one of the walls and held his face.

He rubbed his face, wincing and avoiding my eyes. He just took it. He wasn't gonna say anything about it. I breathed in and decided on what I wanted to do. I walked up to him quickly and before he could react, I kissed him. He didn't respond, probably because this was the first time I initiated a kiss. I broke away from the kiss and looked at him. He stared at me in shock. Our stare-off lasted a few seconds before we kissed each other. I grabbed his collar, pulling him closer to me. He pushed me backwards with his body and I pushed forward. He wrapped his arms around my waist and picked me up. I wrapped my legs around him. He walked until he reached the other wall, pressing me against it. I began unbuttoning his shirt when he broke away suddenly.

He looked at me seriously. "Are you sure about this Sam? I don't want you to do anything you'll regret later," he murmured. I smiled at him and continued unbuttoning his shirt until it was open in front of me. I pulled Freddie's hands higher up so I could slide my legs down. Freddie shivered.

"Does it look like I wanna stop?" I asked as I pulled his shirt off. God, his body was hotter than senior year, when I thought it was impossible for it to get even better. I rubbed my hands on his chest and began to kiss his neck. He let out a low moan but pushed me away.

"No, serious, Sam, are you absotively, posilutely sure?" I rolled my eyes.

"Oh my god, you're such a dork-a-saurus. Just do it before I change my mind," I snapped, getting annoyed. He kissed me before I could finish my sentence but I managed to still talk. We moved our bodies in sync with one another and I had Freddie's pants off in no time. He gave up looking for the zipper on my dress after four seconds and ripped it enough that he could pull it down.

We stood there, panting and looking at each other almost naked. This wasn't the first time we'd seen each other almost naked (pool parties, strip games, etc.) but it was different. We both stared at each other, wondering if we were willing to do this. I could tell that there was no going back after this. I think he knew it too. He grabbed my hand and stepped forward. He leaned down to give me a chaste kiss, then a kiss on my cheek, then some on my neck, then a few kisses on my collarbone, and then...

···

_Cause it's only in the quiet that I know what to feel_

We had sex in an elevator. Maybe I was rubbing off of Freddie.

The next time I checked the watch, three hours had passed. I was laying on top of Freddie, my arms around him. We were both half-asleep yet he still found the energy to try and define what happened.

"Freddie," I sighed. "We can do this later. Just not this time, ok?" Freddie tilted my head so I was looking at him.

"So there's going to be a next time?" he asked, lifting an eyebrow at me. I tried to hide a smile but failed. He smiled widely and kissed me. We forgot to break apart and he shifted me so that I was on top of him. He sat up and held me by the waist. He broke away from our kiss and smirked at me. "I knew this could work out."

"What? Sex? Most of the time, it does," I said, still smiling at him. I couldn't stop smiling and I could feel the doubt and fear trying gnaw away at my happiness but they had no effect.

"Well, no. I knew that we could...be intimate without losing what we had. Do you feel different because I don't?"he asked.

"No, it doesn't," I agreed.

"Exactly. I think this was the only thing that we hadn't done yet. Trust me, though, we still have things to work on," he said.

"Like what?" I wondered curiously. It couldn't be happily ever after from now? Freddie smiled at me.

"You're amazing, you know," he said randomly, brushing my hair back. I smiled awkwardly.

"And you're horrible at avoiding questions," I replied. He chuckled and leaned in slowly to kiss me.

"I wasn't avoiding the question, just delaying. I wanted to compliment you because you don't get admired enough." I pretended to blush and giggle.

"Aww shucks," I laughed as he kissed my neck, whispering compliments into it. He continued to kiss me as I shifted backwards. I shifted too far because we both fell down. We smiled at each other as I pulled Freddie next to me so I could cuddle with him. Cuddling and spooning weren't so bad. With Freddie. I sighed happily when Freddie held me tighter.

_I love you._ I tried to project it into his mind with my Jedi powers but I was too exhausted. But I think he knew. I hoped he knew and would love me too. It wasn't until now that I ever pictured having a happy ending. Happy endings weren't plausible. But now, I can't stop smiling.

···

_I'm trying hard not to resist the joy_

_Don't listen to me, I'm being paranoid_

_I might try hard but it's too hard to resist_

_My heart skips a beat, my heart skips a beat _

For some reason, we couldn't get to sleep. Maybe because we were still on our "lover's high." It could've been that we knew that this whole night was a hoax. Or maybe it was that we knew in the next 45 minutes, the elevator was gonna shake and begin going downstairs.

We both jumped up and hurriedly put on our clothes. We lucked out that a guy had tried to get on the elevator on the 4th floor. When he saw us, he paused and stared confused. We were still getting dressed as he stared.

"Is there something we can do for you?" I asked, annoyed that all he did was stare. He shook his head and stepped back from us.

"I'll get the next one," he replied. The elevator doors closed and I pressed the lobby button, where I assumed we were going.

It was as I was putting my dress on that I remembered that Freddie ripped it.

"Oh, shit!" I yelled. He looked at me confused. I pointed to my back. The dress was flopping over, exposing my back. Freddie quickly handed me his jacket to cover myself. As I was rolling up the sleeves, we got to the first floor.

There were hot firemen who rolled their eyes because it wasn't a real emergency. Carly was standing by them, crying her eyes out. She ran to give me a hug first and then hugged Freddie for a little longer. She began hysterically telling us what had happened while we were in the elevator. She was so loud, she cried so much, and she hung on to Freddie like she was ready to faint. It was enough of a distraction for her that she didn't ask what happened. We would need a story because there was no way I would dump this on Carly all of a sudden.

I made eye contact with Freddie while him and Carly began walking up the stairs. I put my finger to my lips and he gave me a short nod. We smiled briefly at each other before turning away. I turned to see Spencer and Mitchell giving me questioning stares. Spencer shook his head at me and walked up the stairs as well. Mitchell, however, didn't understand to leave it alone. He began to smirk as he looked back and forth between the elevator and me. He stopped when I kicked him hard in the shin.

"Bitch," he grunted. I smiled and kissed his cheek. I took his hand and guided him upstairs.

"Come on, you shouldn't go home at this hour. I can't have my gay husband dying on me," I said. He chuckled a little, then hissed in pain. I ended up leaving him because his limping took too long. Freddie was outside Carly's apartment when I got there.

"I wanna keep this a secret for a little while," he said abruptly. "I think we should take things slow and see where it goes without pressure from other people and stuff like that." I instantly thought of one of my favorite Demi Lovato songs, Stop the World.

"_I'd stop the world if it finally let us be alone,_" I said. He gave me a confused stare and lifted an eyebrow at me. I chuckled and gave him a quick peck on the lips. "Yes, okay. And I'll make up the story for the elevator since you're possibly the worst liar in the world! You just go along with it."

"Hey! My lying has gotten better over the years," he defended himself. I nodded, not paying attention to what he said.

"Of course, of course, whatever you say." We stood awkwardly, not sure what to do next. Freddie rolled his eyes at me and pulled me to him. He kissed me and I deepened the kiss, wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Goodnight Sam," he whispered when we broke apart.

"Dream about me," I responded. He hugged me tight to him and muttered into my ear,

"I always do." Before I could make a sarcastic remark, he let go of me and went into his mom's apartment. I sighed happily, the most in one night.

···

_My heart skips a beat_

_My heart skips a beat _

It wasn't until I had thrown away my dress, gotten into my pjs, and cuddled with Porca, that I came down from my "lover's high." I gasped and covered my mouth in fright. What have I done?

**A/N: **I know, I know, I have deadline issues. This time, I had to retype this **3 TIMES** because my usb drive is messed up :( so this version is less perfect than the first one. I totally made up the whole elevator thing. I don't know what happens if you get stuck in one so if it seems weird, just pretend like it's right. I love Demi Lovato and I wanted to use Stop the World or another song by her. I'm really into music (in case you guys haven't noticed) so if there's a cool artist or song you'd like to share that'd be awesomissimo! Also, I meant to mention this in the last one but I decided to do a little game. If you guys can guess the artist of the song and give me your favorite part of the chapter ( so I know you actually read it) then i'll give you a sneak peek into the next chapter! There isn't really any rules except the first person to write it in the review gets it. Since I'm starting this later than I wanted to, you have two chances, the title of the fanfic and the title of this chapter. And I didn't want to be one of those writers who begged for reviews but I really like getting them so positive or negative, I'd love to hear what you guys think. I promise to try even harder to update faster because I understand the frustration of waiting. This has been a really long author's note so I'm gonna end it...right...here XP


	6. Medicine

**A/N: **Sorry for the long wait. :( This chapter will be in Freddie's POV

···

_I want to dance another day_

_For all of us that never had what it takes _

_I want to swim another mile_

_I've got to know if this will be worth my while_

I walked into my room, happy that my mom was solving whatever problems she had when I saw a redhead sitting at my desk. I smirked.

"I know I should be surprised but I'm not," I said, walking past her to sit on my bed. I took off my sneakers and sighed. Shopping with my mother was always annoying but for her to tell me…just like that. She's changed a lot, almost as much as Sam.

Sam shrugged and spun around in my desk chair multiple times. "I didn't care about surprising you. If I really wanted to, I'd tell you that I'm pregnant," she said nonchalantly. My eyes widened and the air around me seemed to disappear. This was obviously not a good day for me.

"Wait, what?" I asked, my voice a higher pitch. Sam stopped spinning to look at me and burst into a fit of giggles.

"Oh, wow! You're still as gullible as ever!" She fell out of the chair laughing. I glared at her. "You should've seen your face! I was gonna keep it going for a little longer but I couldn't," she managed to say in between her laughter.

Part of me was upset that she thought that was funny and that I had fallen for it. A bigger part of me was glad she was laughing. Genuinely laughing and happy. It had been a long time since I saw her like that. And to think it's me who's doing that to her.

She got up, the end of her laugh attack and sat back in my chair. She spread her arms wide and pouted.

"Why are you so far away?" she whined. I smiled and walked over to her. She jumped up into my arms and kissed me. I don't think there could ever be anything better than Sam's kisses. I kissed her back, picking her up and holding her. She wrapped her legs around my waist to steady herself. She broke away from the kiss and buried her head in my neck. I sat down in the chair.

"How come after we start…being together, that's when your mom wants to hang out with you?" she whined again, pulling me closer. "I haven't seen you all day and it's almost 7." I tried not to smile because if she saw me, she'd take back what she said.

"In other words, you missed me?" I asked. She sat up to glare at me and punched my arm. She put her head down again while I groaned in pain.

"Fuck you," was her only reply. I chuckled and kissed her head. I felt her breath on my neck as she sighed and every nerve in my body was on fire. It was always the little things she did that had a big effect on me. Like when she played with my earlobe or when she traced patterns into my skin with the very tip of her fingers. And I loved it when she held onto me the way she was doing at the moment.

"Sorry, my mom wanted to talk to me about something," I said slowly. She looked at me and began to play with my ear.

"What about?" she asked curiously.

I couldn't think of a lie on the spot so I told her it wasn't very important. She looked at me skeptically.

"Your lying is horrible! And plus, if it wasn't important than why would she keep you for so long. I have to get back to Carly in a couple of hours. We're lucky that they're shooting that stupid movie with that big-headed guy in town now." I nodded along, hoping that she'd let it go. I didn't want to share this with anyone, not for a while, not before my mom had it sorted out. "So tell me, what is it?" I hoped in vain.

"Sam, I can't be that bad of a liar. You believed me when I said that I loved you," I tried to get her mind elsewhere. However, I didn't think it through and I picked the wrong elsewhere. She stood up and began to walk away. "Wait, wait! I'm sorry I brought it up. Never again, I promise," I said as I moved closer to her. She paused in front of the door. I rolled the chair over to her and took her hand, pulling her lightly. I kissed her hand, repeating, "I'm sorry." She sat back down into my lap and kissed my cheek before laying her head on my shoulder. I rolled us both back to the desk.

"How…do you feel now?" she asked. I held her closer to me. To be honest, I didn't want to think about feelings. I now understood Sam's reluctance to talk about feelings and things of the such. Feelings were complicated and couldn't always be reasonable.

I shrugged. "I haven't been thinking about it," I muttered. I could almost feel her tense up but to my surprise, she let it go.

It had been 2 weeks-2 wonderful weeks since I trapped us in the elevator. I only had one more week before I went back to college. We hadn't talked about that but it was something that we did need to talk about. I wasn't sure what we were. I knew what Sam meant to me, I knew how she felt about me but I didn't know what I exactly meant to her.

"Don't take too long, ok," she whispered. I nodded and bent my head to kiss her neck. I sucked on her skin and moved my hand from her waist to under her shirt. I teased her by hovering over her body so close that I was almost touching her but not. She pulled me down so that we both fell but she switched us around so I was the one to hit the ground.

"Ow," I groaned. She smirked and leaned down slowly to kiss me.

"That's what you get for teasing me," she reprimanded. She continued to kiss me and I sat up so I could pull my shirt off.

"And what's this for?" I questioned breathlessly, raising one of my eyebrows. She laughed carelessly, the way I loved.

"Because I love y—" She stopped speaking, her eyes bugging out of her head. Her face reddened quickly and I watched the embarrassment wash over her. I didn't know or get why she would be embarrassed. I comforted her anyway. She stood up and I stood up as well. I didn't say anything as she looked away from me, down at the floor. I walked closer to her and pulled her shirt over her head. Since I knew she wasn't looking, I quickly tossed it to the other side of my bed. I tilted her head up, kissing her slowly. I pressed my tongue to her lips, begging for entrance which she was happy to give.

She moaned softly and every part of my body wanted her at that moment. I picked her up, not separating our mouths, and laid her down on my bed. She unhooked her bra because I can never figure out how those freakin' things work! We broke away from the kiss and she moved her hands down my body...

···

_What a liar_

_What a cheat_

_What a major fuckin' waste of my time_

_I'm glad I know you _

Sam rolled out of the bed and picked up her underwear from the floor.

"You don't have to leave," I said, turning on my side. She looked back at me as she put on her bra, giving me her "You're delusional" face. I rolled my eyes at her and looked behind me quickly. Her shirt was still there.

"I've already done the standard hour cuddle and it's made me super late. Carly's probably freaking out 'cuz I left my phone in the apartment," she said as she looked for her jeans.

"Yeah, but who cares about Carly? I want you," I got out of bed and stood in front of her. I grabbed her hand and pulled her back into bed with me. "To stay with me." She smiled at me and hugged me, laying down on top of me.

"No," she said in a cheery tone. I pouted, trying to mock hers. She laughed and gave me a short kiss. Then another. And another. Then soon, we were making out again. She was almost out of her jeans when she pulled out of the kiss, sitting on top of me.

"There's my shirt! How'd it get there?" She leaned over to pick it up but I beat her to it. I put it behind me. She narrowed her eyes at me. "Really Freddie? Is this that serious that you have to steal my shirt?" She crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Spend the night with me," I pleaded, pulling her closer to me with my right hand and holding her shirt tightly in my left. "I wanna wake up and have you next to me." I kissed her collarbone and down the small space between her breasts. Her breath sped up and she moved my head up to kiss her.

When we pulled apart, I continued, "I could make you a huge breakfast with bacon, sausage..." She licked her lips; I wasn't sure if she was turned on or if she was hungry.

"Your mom's working late?" she asked. I nodded, gulping. Yeah, she was working. "She's been working late a lot." I shrugged.

"I think she started working later because she didn't have me at home to watch anymore," I said, looking away from her. If I looked her in the eye, she'd be able to tell if I was lying.

"But you're home! She lets you stay home alone? Wow, Crazy is actually not so crazy," she commented. I chuckled and smiled. I looked at her, saw what she was staring at and reacted too slow. She had distracted me and snatched her shirt back.

"Ha!" she boasted, standing up. She put her shirt on and stuck her tongue out at me. I glared at her. She laughed at me.

"Sammie, stay with me, please," I knew how desperate I sounded. I honestly didn't care. I wanted Sam with me and I wanted to feel like I had a girlfriend. Not a booty call. She sighed, all joking done.

"No. That's something couples do and we are not a couple," she replied.

"Why?" I wondered.

"Because to be a couple, it would mean our relationship develops and grows. Our relationship is gonna stay the same," she answered.

"In what sense?"

"I mean, with me...and you...we're not a couple but we're not friends with benefits…Listen, can we talk about this later? I have to go," she started acting like she had needed to be home 4 hours ago. I sighed and fell down backwards on the bed.

"Fine." She walked quickly to my side and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

"I'll miss you?" she was just saying it to make me feel better. It worked a little; I liked her saying the exact words.

"I'll miss you too," I replied, giving her a quick kiss. I winked at her as she walked out of my room. My smile turned to a frown immediately. I wanted Sam so much that it was almost an obsession. Why did things turn out this way? So complicated and confusing?

I needed Sam, she needed to keep this a secret to be involved, and we needed to talk. Now how would I get Sam to care about stuff other than what she needed or wanted?

···

_And I don't know why I'm careful _

I didn't have much to do when she left except want her. She always left me with that feeling. My mom came home an hour after Sam left. I quickly put on a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt. She opened the door and smiled at me.

"Hey honey," she greeted. I smiled weakly, remembering our conversation from earlier.

_We were in a new, small boutique that had business casual which was all my mom ever wore. _

"_It never helps to be prepared, Freddie," she used to tell me when I would ask. Prepared for what, I'm not exactly sure. _

_She was looking through a rack as I held our bags. I was zoning out, hoping Sam wouldn't be upset with how late I was. I smiled. Thinking of Sam always made me smile. I was just happy that she was giving us some chance. I had been so nervous that after Christmas she would tell me that it didn't mean anything and it was a mistake. However, the next day, she had showed up and attacked me with kisses. I took it as a good sign and it was. _

_It was while I was zoning out on Sam that my mom told me. I looked at her as she continued to look for more clothes. _

"_Huh? What'd you say?" _

"_I have breast cancer," she repeated. My eyes widened and I dropped the bags. "Oh, I was hoping you'd take it better," she said with a worried smile. _

"_How could I possibly take that in a good way? You have breast cancer? When'd you find out? Are you getting treatment? What kind, chemo, radiation, surgery? Oh god, oh god, oh god..." She bent down and picked up the bags. She handed them to me. _

"_I only found out a few days before Christmas. I've been staying at the hospital late to get things checked out. I know what I'm doing Fredward, I'm a nurse for Christ's sake!" I nodded as she continued to scold me but I didn't hear her. While she was diagnosed with breast cancer, I was trying to get Sam to talk to me. It seemed silly until I remembered I had her. _

"_Everything's gonna be alright, right mom?" She smiled at me and hugged me. I was taller than her now so it felt kinda awkward, like she was the child and I was the parent. _

"_Of course, sweetie," she said in an overly nice way. I recognized it as the voice she used with the family of patients who were in the ICU or dangerous surgery or comatose or dead. It made me nervous and I wanted to cry but I couldn't. "Now, I think we have enough clothes for me. It's time to shop for you."_

_She stood on her tippy toes to smooth my hair as I groaned. "Please, no," I said. She simply smiled and turned away. I huffed and dragged my feet after her. _

"Did the doctor have anything to say? Did they tell you what stage you were at?" I asked, standing up and moving to my desk. I opened my laptop and opened up to Google. "I can look up stuff if the doctor's a total flake. I never really trusted the hospital, no offense—"

"Freddie, calm down, I have to take a few more tests before they can do anything," she said, walking to stand beside me. I looked at her, concerned. That didn't sound right but I wasn't sure how much I wanted to think about this.

"Ok. So what's for dinner?" I asked.

"I have cancer and you still want me to cook for you? How selfish can you be, Freddie?" she said angrily. I felt guilty and began to apologize when she laughed.

"I was joking, Freddie Bear," she laughed. I smiled. It seemed that everyone around me was in a happier mood than they had been in for a while. Maybe the cancer was good for my mom. She had reverted back to that mom I vaguely remember from before my dad died. She got up to make tofu burgers.

When she left, I locked the door behind her. I sat down at my desk, put my head in my arms and cried because as much as things were working, there were still things that were wrong. And I was scared the fuck out that my family would be gone before I knew it. What would I have left? A semi-girlfriend, an ex-girlfriend that supposedly still likes me, and an adult friend that isn't really an adult? As much as I loved all of them, I don't think I'd ever admit how much I loved coming home to my mom everyday or in the current case, every other weekend.

I began researching breast cancer because it was the only way I knew to calm myself. What I really needed was Sam.

···

_I want to take another turn_

_I want to taste a sweetness in life_

_And is it major, is it minor_

_I don't know, I'm out of time, I can't tell_

_And I don't know why I'm careful _

Sam came over the next day while my mom was asleep. She jumped on my bed, shouting for me to get up and fix her some breakfast. I got up quickly, covered her mouth, and pulled her down with me. She squirmed and yelled into my hand, before licking it so I would let go. I withdrew my hand, disgusted. I wiped it on my bedsheets which had changed recently, I'm ashamed to say, from Galaxy Wars to just regular bed patterns.

"This is the closest you'll get to having me wake up beside you," she said, motioning to her pajamas which just so happened to be a tank top and short shorts. I eyed her seductively and she smiled, crawling up to kiss me. I smiled as we kissed because I realized something.

She cares.

Sam Puckett can say a lot of things, she can do a lot of things but one thing she doesn't show so often is how much she cares. I believe that she loves me but it's another thing when she says it or shows it. And she wanted to make me happy.

I don't think anyone else can say the same thing except for maybe Carly. Maybe.

"Morning sex, hmm?" she asked as she pulled off her tank top. She hesitated throwing it to the side as she smiled at me. "Are you gonna hide it from me again so I'll stay here?"

"Nah, I won't do that again, but I might steal your shorts," I said, leaning to kiss her neck. She giggled and shook her head. It was then that there was a knock at my door. I let out a mini-yelp and pushed Sam off of me. She made a loud thump as she fell behind my bed and my mom opened the door.

"Hey mom. What did you want?" I asked, trying to stop my voice from shaking.

"I heard screaming about bacon and stuff. Is that she-devil here because things may be changing but—"

"No, mom," I interrupted, my voice squeaking a little. I wanted to tell Sam myself when I was calm and everything was sure. "Sam is not here. I promise. That was…me?"

"Mm, hmm. You know you could do so much better. Better than Carly, way better than Sam. You need to branch out Fredward, there's more than what you have now." I nodded, trying to glance back at Sam without looking suspicious. I didn't want her to listen to my mom. Her words were making me nervous that I would lose Sam and have to start all over again.

"Ok, you can go now. I'm gonna get dressed to start my day," I said, sliding my legs out of the bed to show her. She smiled at me.

"When you leave, please take Sam with you," she replied as she left. After she shut the door, my mouth was still open wide. Sam sat down next to me, her shirt back on, snickering.

"I don't think my hiding worked," she said. I turned to her, noticing how calm she was acting. As if my mom hadn't just found us out, as if my mom hadn't just told me to "break up" with her, as if she wasn't already thinking of her speech to give me that would end it all. "Close your mouth. Look dumber than usual."

I snapped my mouth shut and moved closer to her. My head rested on her shoulder and my hands rested on her hips.

"Sam, what are we?" I asked. She groaned.

"I really don't…Freddie, can we do this later?" She stood up but I pulled her back to me. I kept her in front of me.

"No, we can't do this later, we can do this now and only now," I responded firmly. She stared at me for a while before smirking. She sat down in my lap, still smiling at me.

"Are you sure about that?" she whispered. I gulped, deciding that looking her in the eye when she was like this was not an option. I tried to gently push her off but she clung to me like a koala bear.

"Sam, my mom's home," I reminded her weakly. I was already leaning back onto the bed. She laughed, throwing her head back and smiled at me. I was starting to get used to it.

"Well, then, we'll just have to be extra quiet, won't we?" she whispered again. She was sexy and she knew it. Those girls were always dangerous because they could play with you like putty. God knows Carly's been using me for years.

I grabbed the back of her head and kissed her. She grabbed the shoulders of my shirt, pulling me closer to her. I could hear the fabric beginning to tear when my mom opened the door again. I immediately pulled away and pushed Sam off of me. She glared at us.

"I. Want. Her. Out," she said. I could tell she was angry and I'd have to explain everything later. I nodded my head and took Sam's hand. I dragged her out of my room and away from my mom.

"She seems to be taking this startlingly well," Sam commented as she stopped me. We stood in the middle of the living room. I shrugged. "All I know is that she better not tell anyone. Oh shit, Freddie. Oh shit, shit, shit, Freddie," she stared at me with her wide, blue eyes. I hugged her.

"Don't worry, I'll sort it all out," I told her. She nodded, hugging me back. She dragged me into Carly's house.

"I brought the chef!" she yelled. Carly was also in her pajamas, an oversized green shirt that I recognized. She grinned at me and chuckled. I noticed Mitchell was sitting on the couch in his pajamas as well.

"Was there a slumber party?" I asked, confused. Mitchell looked up to glare at me. He shook his head.

"I crashed here yesterday because Sam refused to let me leave. I think she's in love with me," he joked. They both laughed and Sam jumped next to him on the couch. I tried not to get jealous. Sam told me that her and Mitchell were just friends. I was still a little suspicious.

"Yeah, that's what it is. I'm in love with you," she replied but she looked at me. I smiled at her and winked. She laughed. Mitchell looked between us and smiled at Sam. He leaned over and whispered something in her ear. She narrowed her eyes. She reached between his legs and grabbed him firmly. He gasped and doubled over, rolling off the couch. She held onto him, giving him an evil smile.

"Say that again, I dare you," she challenged. Carly and I made eye contact and burst out laughing. We were confused and amused. Things felt like they should and all that initial awkwardness between us was gone. I walked into the kitchen and took out the pan.

"So what did everyone want for breakfast?" I really only cared about what Sam wanted but it would've been too suspicious. They all gave me answers except for Carly who came to help me. Sam and Mitchell were too engrossed in whatever episode of Family Guy was on. They laughed at the same exact time, for the same exact time. It was almost like they were twins.

We ate breakfast and then decided today was a pajama day, even though we had to do an iCarly in less than a week. Carly sat between me and Sam on the couch. I desperately wanted to sit next to Sam and put my arm around her. Maybe kiss her a few times or more than a few. Carly, however, always found a way to touch me. Whether it was when I made a corny joke or when she got really tired and wanted to "snuggle" with me. She made it clear that she still had feelings for me.

Sam kept looking at me and I could see the worry in her eyes. My mom and Carly were freaking Sam out and they needed to stop. When Carly went to the bathroom, I took the chance. I kissed her. In front of Mitchell but I didn't care. She put her fingers in my hair and sighed. Mitchell cleared his throat and walked away. We leaned back onto the couch when Sam broke away from the kiss.

Before she could speak, I stopped her. "Don't. I want you, okay," I muttered. She nodded looking up at me. She sat up, leaning her body against the arm of the couch and her legs on my lap. I began playing with her feet and she giggled. She had started doing that a lot and I had never heard her giggle until now. Carly came up to us, giving us a questioning look.

"I turned the nub into my own personal foot rest. Ta Da!" Sam said. Carly smiled feebly.

"Where'd Mitchell go?" she asked. She looked down, playing with the bottom of her shirt. I finally recognized it as that concert we'd gone to where she first told me that she liked me. I blushed a little. Sam shrugged.

"I think he went to go see what Spencer's doing. He thinks Spencer's freaking awesome. Admires him and shit," Sam replied. Carly chuckled. She motioned for Sam to move her feet so she could sit down. Sam stared at Carly for a while until she gave in. I, however, was not giving in so I scooted next to Sam. Carly sat down on the other side of me and turned to me.

"So what do you guys wanna do?" she asked.

"Well, I think we should talk about what we want to do about iCarly," I answered, smiling at her. Carly smiled back and became enthusiastic. She talked about her ideas, Sam contributed, and I listened. Carly and Sam got so into it, that Sam crawled over me, pushing me away from Carly so that way I wouldn't be in between them.

While their creative juices were flowing, I was fascinated with Sam. She looked so beautiful. Her expression changed rapidly and she seemed so alive. I never wanted to see her heartbroken or sad or…_Oh god, I am sappy_, I thought.

Carly got up to get some snacks, which I declined. Sam turned on the TV, hoping for some reruns of Girly Cow. She laughed at the first joke she heard; she thought this show was hilarious. I moved my hand slowly towards hers, hoping she wouldn't notice but she did. We moved our hands towards each other until we were holding hands. I looked at her and she smiled at me. I leaned down quickly and kissed her hand before Carly came back.

We only had these quick moments when we were around other people. They were always worth it. And we always made up for them when we were alone…

···

_Hey mister man, when will we fall?_

_Forget about all_

_Forget about all_

I ended up staying with Carly and Sam the whole day. That hadn't been the original plan, I figured at 2 or 3, I'd leave and do some work on my laptop. As much as I love having Sam around, I hadn't really had one moment to myself since the break started. I was either with Carly or Spencer or Sam or my mom.

But they had convinced me to stay. Mitchell actually had left to hang out with Spencer. They had gone to meet Socko at the junkyard 4 hours ago and still weren't back. For some reason, Sam had found it incredibly funny when Mitchell told us. Mitchell gave Sam the middle finger as he left with Spencer.

The minute I stepped into the room, my mom was there. It was like she had reverted back to her old, worrisome, crazy self. She checked me for brusies, hickies, and scratches. She insisted on scrubbing me down saying that Sam "probably infected you with all her evilness or else you would've told me." It was really hard to tell her not to get into the shower with me. After I had gotten out, she also insisted on washing my hair. She rambled on about why Sam was bad and all that shit.

When I got dressed in different clothes (she needed to wash the clothes I'd been wearing before,) I sat down with her on the couch.

"Mom, I know what I'm doing," was the first thing I said. She stared at me. "Sam and I…have had this thing going on for a while and we've both decided to try it out. But I need you, mom, I need you to keep this a secret. I've worked really hard to get Sam to trust me since she came back and I'm surprised she even—"

"I've heard enough," my mom interrupted, standing up. "I really don't think this is a good idea. You're both gonna get hurt when this doesn't work out." I looked at her, confused and angry.

"Who said it's not gonna work?"

"Fredward, I pay a lot more attention to your little group than you think I do. And those girls are no good for you! Not only that but you need to branch out. Get away from what you're familiar with. If I hadn't, I never would've met your dad. There's so much that I want for you and I won't be around to make sure that it happens!" She burst out crying. I stared at her, shocked. I stood up and hugged her.

"What do you mean?" I muttered softly, afraid of the answer.

"I lied to you. My cancer…it's spread too far for them to do anything successful. We're still gonna try but, they said I have about a year and a half before…" She continued to cry. I hugged her tighter, tears falling from my eyes.

"Mom, I think I love her," I said, changing the subject. I didn't know what else to say and I was not gonna say goodbye anytime soon. "Can't you be happy for me?"

"She's gonna hurt you Fredward. I can't support that and I won't," she backed out of the hug and grabbed my shoulders. "You deserve better." She sighed and kissed my cheek, walking away.

I tried to calm myself down. _Shit, shit, shit, fuck, fuck, shit, fuck…_That was all I could think. Because this was bad. Really bad. I felt my stomach get queasy and rushed to my bathroom.

After I vomited my worries, Sam texted me asking if she could come over or if "Crazy" was still here. "sneak in," I texted back. I stood in front of my bedroom, looking out for my mom. She stayed in her room. I could hear her talking on the phone, probably with my aunt Jennifer.

I heard the front door open and saw Sam. She had changed out of her pajamas too and was now in regular clothes. She was wearing black skinny jeans and a purple shirt with fireworks on it. She smiled and ran towards me. I caught her in my arms and hugged her tightly.

"I've wanted to kiss you since we broke apart," she said, looking down on me. I laughed. We couldn't resist touching each other when we were around one another. It was probably to make up for all the lost time.

"Then kiss me now," I replied, puckering my lips for her to kiss. She shook her head, dropping down and walking inside my room.

"Nah, I'd rather wait a little longer," she winked at me as she sat down on my bed. I closed the door behind me, locking it. I jumped onto the bed next to her and pulled her down next to me. I wrapped my arms around her waist and we just laid there.

It was silent. Usually Sam never stopped talking. She was thinking something and I had learned to be very scared of Sam's thoughts.

"What's the matter?" I asked, skimming her skin with my fingers.

"After you left, Carly and I were talking and…she's **really **convinced that she's in love with you," she answered. I sighed, rolling over onto my back. I covered my eyes with my hand.

"Can we forget about Carly? This relationship is between us, you and me. Everyone else doesn't matter," I told her. She rolled over. We both stared at the ceiling.

"Carly matters to me. She's been my best friend for so long…I don't know what I'd do without her," she responded. I turned my head towards her and kissed her cheek.

"I don't know what I'd do without you," I repeated to her. She looked at me with her beautiful, blue eyes and…laughed. She covered her mouth so the laughs wouldn't be so loud.

"That's sweet, Freddie Bear," she teased, turning over and holding my head so I looked her right in the eye. "But you'd be fine without me." I shook my head, pulling her hands down.

"No, I wouldn't. Why won't you believe that I need you?" I hugged her to me.

"I feel so guilty, Freddie. Like I want to puke up my guts because I'm keeping this from Carly," she whispered. I could see the tears forming in her eyes. I moved my hand down to her pants, slowly unbuttoning them.

"Believe me, I feel guilty too. But I care about you and us more than I care about Carly," I slipped my hand into her underwear. She gasped and moaned softly into my ear. "How do you feel now?" I asked her, my voice unintentionally low.

"I want you," she whispered, breathlessly.

It was a dirty trick but I didn't want her to leave me. Not now. And that's what she was going to do; she didn't bring up her guilt for no reason. I knew her a lot more than she thought I did and I could tell that she was starting to doubt her choice to trust me.

I was going to tell her that I loved her but she wouldn't believe me at that moment so I told her that I wanted her too. I smiled at her and teased her some more until she kissed me. I remembered then that my mom was home but I could give a fuck. I loved this girl.

···

_What a liar_

_What a thief_

_What a major fuckin' waste of my time_

_I'm glad I know you_

We were in the middle of filming iCarly when it hit me just how much I loved her.

"Now our friend Gibby—" Carly said.

"Our super, newly hot friend Gibby," Sam added, winking at the camera but actually at me. I smiled at her.

"Is gonna show us what new,"

"And hot,"

"Thing he has learned since the last time we saw him," Carly laughed while Sam pressed the applause button on the blue remote. Gibby came out, putting these stick things on fire.

Sam's eyes shook with excitement and wonder. The blue seemed to change shades with her emotions and I swore her skin glowed though I am probably responsible for that. Gibby juggled the sticks that were completely on fire. He winced a little at first but then got used to it. Carly and Sam clapped, impressed.

Sam's curls bounced up and down with her after she hit the random dancing button. Carly tried to dance close to me but I pushed her gently in front of the camera. Sam laughed, making me smile even wider. She had a cute laugh that was often contagious. I kept my laugh in as to not hurt Carly's feelings.

Sam had a perfect mouth. She was talking directly to the camera so my focus was on her lips. Her mouth wasn't too big or too small; her lips were thick and god, were they fun to kiss. Her teeth were always white. That always surprised me, given that she hated brushing her teeth. Her teeth shined as she smiled into the camera. Carly pulled her away and began introducing a new video. It was of a crazy squirrel or something of the like.

There were 3 days of the break left. I didn't want to leave Sam. Ever. But I knew at some point she'd want to leave me because she was scared. I was scared too however, I was scared of hurting her, not being hurt. I was scared that she wouldn't give us a fair chance and at one moment just disregard everything that's happened between us this whole time.

Carly and Sam ran around each other, screaming of dairy farms and hummus. It ended with Carly jumping on Sam's back, which made her fall forward, straight on the floor. Even though I knew that it was planned, it still made my heart jump to think she could be hurt. They both looked at the camera, waving and smiling.

"Remember, if you see Justin Bieber in the street," Carly started.

"Scream and run away OR shave his head because seriously, he can't get any uglier," Sam finished. Both me and Carly laughed.

I knew that I needed to tell her that I loved her before it was too late. I realized this too late, like only I can.

···

_What a liar_

_What a thief_

_What a major fuckin' waste of my time_

_I'm glad I know you _

We all went downstairs to go to Groovy Smoothies with Mitchell (he was watching the this week's show with Spencer in the living room.) Sam was leading and then said she forgot something. She ran past Carly and Gibby and headed straight to me. She grabbed my arm and pulled me up the stairs.

"What do you need Freddie for?" Carly asked. Sam shrugged.

"It's this internet thing. Don't worry, I'll have your beloved Freddie back to you in one piece," she replied.

"And unharmed," Carly added. Sam laughed, but in that hollow, fake way she used to. She dragged me into the studio and turned around to face me, only she stared at the ground. She took a couple of deep breaths before looking up at me. When she did, her eyes were looked bland and dead.

"You know this thing between us, it's over," she said. I sighed heavily and pinched the bridge of my nose. Of course it was too late and of course it would happen now. This shit seemed to happen to me a lot lately.

"Why?" I wondered softly. She shrugged carelessly.

"We don't work. No matter what you try to do, we just don't work in any aspect of a relationship," she explained.

"So the sex was bad?" I continued to question, this time joking. Sam was very…verbal when it came to sex. She tried to hide the smile that spread on her face.

"A relationship isn't just about sex, Freddie," she argued.

"Really?" I asked sarcastically. "I know, I wanted to prove you wrong. You said we didn't work in every aspect. That's not true and you know it. You're just trying to cut me loose for some reason and I want to know why. I don't want a bullshit answer either," I said firmly, my voice rising. She rolled her eyes.

"Forever a drama queen, Fredweiner. And you know you're leaving soon. You didn't expect us to still be together, did you?" I didn't respond and she fake-gasped, covering my mouth. "Awww, poor wittle Fweddie," she said, patting my shoulder.

She was being a bitch on purpose to get me mad and it was unfortunately working. I felt like crying because things weren't going the way I wanted them too and I was frustrated. Frustrated that my mom managed to get breast cancer somehow. Frustrated that she was dying. Frustrated that Carly wouldn't get over me. Frustrated that sometimes, it looked like Sam liked Mitchell more than me. Frustrated that she wouldn't be my girlfriend. Frustrated that she was "breaking up" with me.

"Sam, I won't give up on us," I promised. Her bitchy attitude went away and her eyes softened. "I love—"

"NO! Don't lie to me again," she threatened. I figured it was worth a shot to try and tell her. It seemed only right in this fucked up universe that she wouldn't listen to me."Please, Freddie. Give up. Please, for me," Sam pleaded, moving closer to me. She grabbed my hand and held on tightly. I shook my head. "Please. I don't want to be with you anymore. Plus, you deserve better."

Those words stopped me. I didn't know if I should believe her or not. I took my hand away and yelled in frustration. I picked my laptop for iCarly and threw it. It smashed into pieces. Sam jumped at this violence and stared at me, awed.

"Fuck you, you have no right…" I left after that. I didn't have the patience or time to try anymore. Not if she was gonna intentionally hurt me like that. I hated my mom for being right.

···

_And I don't know why I'm careful _

**A/N: **As I said in the beginning and in my oneshots, I'm sorry this has taken so long. I started not caring for the fanfic very much but I got back into it. I don't want to guilt people but I will say I was so upset I only got **1** review for my last chapter. It was favorited and subscribed but not reviewed? Very annoying. Anyway, sorry if Freddie was so melodramatic-I felt that's how his response to everything would be. I'll have the next chapter as soon as possible. The song guessing game is still on just not for the last chapter, you can guess for this chapter and the title.


	7. Set the Fire To The Third Bar

···

_I find the map and draw a straight line_

_Over rivers, farms, and state lines_

_The distance from it to where you'd be_

_It's only finger-lengths that I see_

_I touch the place, where I'd find your face_

_My fingers increases of distant dark places_

I missed him, okay? I missed the fuckin' nub. It had been a month since I called everything off and I hadn't really seen him a lot. Just in passing, when he would hang out with Carly or Spencer. He kept away from me and Mitchell.

I was singing and dancing in the shower while I washed and untangled my hair when someone opened my curtains. My first instinct was to beat the living shit out of this person but all I did was punch the person in the face. My second instinct was to scream, which I did also. Spencer came running into the bathroom and I hid behind the curtain. He was like a brother to me but I haven't let my family see me naked since I started getting boobs. It felt so awkward.

Spencer looked down at Mitchell and sighed as he groaned in pain, holding his bloody nose.

"I don't know why I thought that would work," he complained as Spencer helped him up.

"What the fuck man? We're close but for one thing, we're not that close! And don't go sneaking up on people like that! I've seen Psycho!" I yelled. He nodded, not really paying attention and taking advantage that he was hurt and Spencer was there.

"I'm feeling really dizzy," he said, winking at me quickly. I smiled and closed the curtain, continuing my shower. I heard Spencer guide Mitchell out of the bathroom and downstairs. He would take any chance he could get even though Spencer was as straight as they get.

I went downstairs in my blue robe and saw Spencer investigating the damage done to Mitchell's nose a little too close. I pushed Spencer away, saying I could handle this now. Spencer shrugged, leaving to go on a date with some girl named Daisy.

Mitchell sat up, immediately after he left and punched my shoulder. "Bitch, I was trying to keep him from the date!" he exclaimed, holding his nose. I rolled my eyes.

"Don't fuckin' scare me like that again and I won't sabotage your little fantasies with Spencer," I responded, shrugging and going into the kitchen to get a soda. "Is your nose okay?"

"Aww, you care about me. Really Sam, I'm touched," he joked. I threw an apple at him, which he caught. I raised my eyebrows, impressed. He took a bite out of it, wincing a little from the tenderness of his nose. "It'll be alright. I've had worse. Just needs to be set before it heals crooked." I rushed over to him and put my soda down on the table.

"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Can I do it? I've never done it before and I've always wanted to!" I said excitedly. He chuckled at me and nodded.

He removed his hand from his nose, giving me a view of the horrendous aftermath of my fist colliding with his nose. His nostrils were almost facing his right ear. I felt kinda bad but more excited that I got to fix it. I snapped it over while he yelled in pain. Blood started to drip and I hurried to the kitchen to grab some paper towel.

"What do you mean you've had worse?" I asked him as I came back. I handed him the paper towel and he pressed it against his nose.

"Well, you know, I've been gay for my whole life and not everyone's so friendly to gays," he responded in a nasally voice.

"I know," I said.

"How do you know?" he questioned me curiously. I looked at him and sat down next to him.

"My older brother Leo was gay," I admitted. Mitchell raised his eyebrows at me.

"Oh? I didn't know you had an older brother," he said. I shrugged.

"Nobody knows about Leo except for my family. I don't really like talking about him," I told him.

"Why not? He was a bad big brother?" he asked jokingly.

"No. He died. Killed himself when he was 15 and I was 10," I answered, stone-faced. Mitchell turned to me and patted my shoulder.

"I would hug you but I don't want to get my blood all over you," he said. I smiled. "Wait, isn't that after you knew Carly?"

I nodded. "I never brought up Leo and she never came over to my house. I didn't know how she'd take it. My mom hated him, my dad was gone, and Melanie and I were the only people who accepted and loved him for who he was. But I don't think it was enough and…one day, the police called to tell us that they found Leo in a gas station bathroom. He shot himself." Mitchell gasped and hugged me this time. I let a few tears fall but then sniffed the rest of them back. Leo always hated it when Melanie and I cried over him.

"Alright. Touchy topic. Next subject: there's supposed to be a winter carnival over by the port. Get dressed so we can go," he ordered. I playfully narrowed my eyes at him and slammed his thigh to push myself up. "I need to stop hanging out with you. It causes me too much physical harm."

I laughed loudly. "You're my new Fre—" I stopped. Mitchell looked at me with these understanding eyes that were pissing me off. I would've punched him again if he didn't look so pathetic with his bloody tissue. I turned away from him and went to go get dressed.

We were at the carnival for maybe an hour before we declared it boring. We stole a clown and ran away to a grocery store. All of us ate out of four pints of Haagen Dazs ice cream as we sat on a bench. The clown did some entertaining tricks and shared with us his life story. It was actually interesting: He used to be a famous billionaire before going broke and becoming a hobo. He apparently didn't mind it so much because as a little kid he always wanted to be a troll that guarded a bridge (NERD!) Then one day, a traveling circus came to his bridge and he decided to join. We ate some junk food and ended up having a water fight. The clown's make-up washed off and he wasn't so cool anymore so we ditched him.

Mitchell and I sat in Groovy Smoothies, eating some fries, when a guy with bright blue hair walked in. Mitchell whistled lowly. I chuckled, shaking my head.

"What? He's hot," he said. I slyly turned in my chair to look at him. He was okay. He had green eyes, tanned skin, and wore a YLHCSD t-shirt. I think I was in love. Carly couldn't stand my taste in "noisy electronic" and Freddie preferred Crystal Castles.

"Eh, I've seen better," I said, staring straight at him. He turned to me after I spoke and I sipped on my smoothie, smiling at him. He did that stupid little hair flip that all hipster guys do, making me roll my eyes. I was still smiling. Mitchell looked from him to me and then pouted.

"How come you always get the hot guys?" he whined. He threw a curly fry at me. I threw it back and we began a war. It was fun and got more heated when we started throwing our smoothies at each other. Mine was out before Mitchell's. He laughed evilly in triumph. I looked around, passing over T-Bo's angry face and saw the blue-headed boy. I walked over to him and grabbed his smoothie.

"Can I borrow this?" I asked. He nodded. I smiled and turned around, dumping the whole thing on Mitchell. He surrendered, covered head to toe in smoothie. I raised my hands above my head and yelled, "VICTORIOUS!" The other people of Groovy Smoothies clapped their hands. I bowed for them and blew kisses into the air. A couple people laughed. I turned around to see the blue-haired boy clapping slowly. I smiled at him and set his cup down in front of him.

"Thanks," I said. I winked at him and took Mitchell's hand, walking out. Mitchell waved at the blue-haired boy as we left. "You're so stupid."

"And you're such a flirt. That boy is probably in love with you," he commented, flicking some of the smoothie onto me. "Wouldn't be the first time." I sighed, rolling my eyes.

"Freddie wasn't in love with me," I murmured.

"Yes he was. He was so in love. He just never said it," Mitchell replied. I looked over at Mitchell and then up at the sky. The day had started off nicely but of course it was starting to look stormy and cloudy. Only Seattle could have this type of random weather change.

"How is that my fault?" I snapped, looking at the ground.

"Maybe you never gave him the chance," he pointed out. I thought back to when I had decided things between us were over. He had looked so sad and I wanted to kiss him and hug him. I knew I couldn't. I knew that what his mother had told him was right. He deserved better than me and Carly. He had been about to tell me something…when I stopped him. Maybe he…

I shook my head. "Forget about it. Let's get inside before it starts to rain," I said. Of course that was when thunder boomed and rain poured down immediately after. Mitchell and I made eye contact before running all the way to Bushwell Plaza. Lewbert yelled at us because we were dripping on his freshly waxed floor. We walked right past him into the elevator. The same elevator.

Mitchell chuckled at me as I tapped my foot. "Brings back some fond memories, huh?" I turned around and punched him in the arm.

"Fuck you!" I said, glaring at me. He laughed, holding his arm in pain.

"Oh, Sammy, what are we gonna do about you?" We got to the apartment. Spencer was on the couch, making out with his date. I looked at Mitchell, quickly, seeing the anger and sadness on his face. It was times like these that I felt bad for him and wanted him to get over his Spencer crush.

"We'll be upstairs," I said, taking Mitchell's hand and running towards the stairs. I had to pull Mitchell because he wouldn't run too. Spencer nodded and turned to his date to kiss her again when she stopped him.

"You're just gonna let a young girl go upstairs with some guy?" the date-I didn't remember her name even though it's all Spencer's talked about for the last week-said. Spencer shook his head like that was never his intention when really, he was glad that Mitchell and I were getting out of his hair.

"Sam!" I stopped, looking back. "No sex!" He ordered, acting firm. I smiled and looked at the date. I nodded towards her.

"You too," I said, walking away at that point. The date started screaming at me and Spencer had to calm her down. Like she wasn't a slut. With all that make-up and her tpp tight clothes. Mitchell hugged me. "Come on, we need to get into dry clothes. You're so lucky I have some of your leftover clothes from before or else you'd be walking around naked."

"Hmm, that might not be a bad idea. Spencer could catch a glimpse of what he's missing," Mitchell joked. We both laughed, walking into the studio/ my room. I could almost see Freddie throwing his laptop in anger. I closed my eyes and shook my head, trying to erase the memory. No reason for me to feel bad, no reason for me to think about it.

While Mitchell was getting dressed and doing his rambling thing (talking about an art exhibit and such,) I logged onto my laptop; which was paid with Mitchell's "pity money." I went to Google maps, looking at Mitchell over my shoulder. For some strange reason, he didn't want to me to see him half-naked so I had to turn my back on him. I quickly typed the A destination- Bushwell Plaza and then the B destination- Stanford University. I knew what dorm he was in but it felt kinda stalkerish to write the exact one. It was only about 800 miles but it was 14-15 hours! Freddie and Carly basically gave up their whole Friday, just to see us. But Carly didn't even go to Stanford, she went to some small media school. I trailed the little green line that went to Stanford and closed my eyes, wishing I were with him now.

"You don't miss him, huh?" Mitchell whispered. I jumped, shutting the laptop. He chuckled at me. "Come on, I want to go to Le Snooty French People," he said, referring to this French restaurant that just opened up. I laughed, looked at our regular clothes and nodded.

Mitchell was the perfect best friend, like Carly never was. Don't get me wrong, Carly is and always will be my best friend but there were some things she just never got. She never understood me or bothered to try. But I understood Carly, more than she probably realized. She liked to live in this unrealistic world with her unrealistic dreams and for some reason it worked for her like it never worked for me.

···

_I hang my coat up on the first bar_

_There is no peace that I've felt so far_

_The laughter penetrates my silence _

_As drunken men find flaws in science_

It was really late by the time we got to Le Snooty French People. Around 9 or so. We got there so late because Mitchell insisted on driving us in his jeep when we could've just taken public transportation. He of course got lost and then I might have gotten us even more lost. Maybe I made us take a highway all the way to Oregon. We argued all the way back and somehow, found our way to the restaurant.

The front man ( I don't remember what you call those people and I really don't care,) wouldn't let us in because of how we were dressed. He looked over us and led the couple behind us inside.

"Fuck dress codes," I murmured, grabbing menus myself. I smiled at Mitchell and put my arm out for him to link with me. "Sir." He chuckled and looked around he restaurant. Everyone was looking at us. We walked together with our arms linked and our heads high. We sat down at a small booth and opened our menus. A waiter came to take our orders when the front man pushed him out of the way.

"Excuse me but I said you can't come in. You are not dressed properly and probably couldn't afford such a place like this anyway," he said in a heavy French accent. Mitchell and I looked at each other over our menus.

"Is it me or does this feel like Pretty Woman?" he asked, chuckling. I smiled.

"Oh my god, yes. Now I'm not even in the mood for this shit," I replied. He nodded his head, slamming his menu down.

"Me either," he reached into his pocket and signaled the waiter over. He came slowly, scared of the front man. "Here, get yourself a better job," Mitchell said, handing him two one-hundred dollar bills. The front man's eyes widened and he smiled at us but we were already on our way out.

We got into his jeep. He started the car, looking over at me. "What now? It's pretty late," he commented.

"So am I," I instantly regretted it, not realizing that I had said it out loud. Mitchell's eyes were wider than mine and he began driving without saying anything. "I…didn't…say that."

"You're late as in period late," he said, almost hyperventilating. I looked at him confused. I was the one who was late, not him. "We need to get you a pregnancy test."

"I've been late before. Never a month, usually just a few days or a week but I'm sure it's nothing," I said. He looked at me skeptically.

"Oh yeah, you missed a whole month for the first time. That's nothing. I mean, it's not like you had this whole secret fling with this guy you're in love you with, who loves you. It's not like the first time you had sex with him was in the elevator of an apartment building with ZERO protection. You're fine Sam, absolutely fine," he said sarcastically. I narrowed my eyes at him for bringing that up. I smiled at him as he continued driving.

"I'm glad we're on the same page then," I said. He glared at me.

"You can't dismiss everything you don't like, Sam," he sighed as he found a drugstore. He looked at me, expecting me to get out. I looked down at my lap. "Fine. I'll do it but you're gonna take this pregnancy test. We need to know."

While I waited for him, I called Carly. She picked up, screaming an excited "Hey Sam!" I jumped away from the phone, chuckling. I heard rave music in the background. I laughed in confusion. In high school, Carly never went to those kind of parties with no lighting except for strobe lights and alcohol and drugs in EVERYTHING and techno music that was just noise and screaming. I loved those kind of parties and had even dragged them to one once. Freddie didn't seem to mind it but Carly had freaked out on the closed space and the loud music. It was pretty funny but then Freddie had yelled at me…

"Hey Carlotta, Whatcha doin'?" I asked, still amused.

"I'm…at this party thing, oops!" she yelled. "Sorry, I bumped into this guy who was behind me by accident. Ooh, he's kinda cute. Hi." I chuckled, picturing her giggling and winking at the guy. "He'd be perfect for you Sam. Unless you and Mitchell have finally realized that you're what's destined to be."

I rolled my eyes at her. "Having fun?"

"Yeah, I'm actually having a lot of fun. I'm glad Freddie brought me to this club, I think it's called Acid Waste, I'm not sure," she yelled into the phone. I nodded, feeling the tears in my eyes. Freddie brought her there, huh?

"Yeah, I know it. It's in San Francisco, right?" I asked, already knowing. I had told Freddie about how much I wanted to go. Melanie had gone to it when she went to San Francisco with her friends. It was one of the only times that I've been proud to call her my twin. "So, um, you're with Freddie?"

"Yeah. He called me yesterday and asked if I wanted to go to this club with him. I was so surprised, we haven't hung out a lot since you came back," she yelled. I knew she wasn't trying to blame me but it sounded like it. "What'd you want? I lost Freddie when you called me and I really don't feel like dancing next to these guys here," she continued. I rolled my eyes as the tears started to fall. Here I was, maybe pregnant, and my best friend was trying to hit on the maybe baby daddy. God, this felt like a soap opera.

I saw Mitchell storming back with a smirk on his face. "Look, I gotta talk to you later, Carls. Mitchell's back now," I said, loud enough for her to hear over all the music.

"Oh, there's Freddie! Wait, what'd you say? Mitchell?" I hung up the phone after that, wiping away my tears quickly. Mitchell got into the car, handing me the plastic bag that had a small rectangular box in it.

"That check-out lady was a bitch, I'm glad you didn't go in yourself," he said absently, starting the car. I threw the bag back at him.

" I don't want this Mitchell. I refuse to take it," I whispered.

"You owe yourself, Freddie, and that kid you might be having to do this," Mitchell responded. He gave me the test. "In case you change your mind." I chuckled at him.

"I'm not changing my mind, you know that," I said, bursting into tears randomly. Now I knew my period was coming, I was so emotional. Usually during those times, I hid from Carly and Freddie because that wasn't a side I wanted them to see. He stopped the car at a red light and reached over to hug me.

"I also know that you don't cry over something as stupid as taking a pregnancy test. So don't even try to explain this just, promise me you'll keep it. In case," he said as the light was turning green. There was a bunch of horns honking and people yelling out their windows. He turned away from me and rolled down his window. "If you don't see me moving, then why don't you go around you fucking dildos!" he yelled. I laughed. They sped past the car; some people yelling back at him, some giving him the middle finger. He turned back to me, about to hug me again when I stopped him.

"I promise, ok? Can we stop this whole mushy thing and go home? I'm so tired of it all," I said. He smiled.

"Yeah, this shit is starting to make me nauseous too," he joked. We laughed and Mitchell turned right.

"Wrong way," I commented. He glared at me and we got lost again.

···

_Their words mostly noises_

_Ghosts with just voices_

_Your words in my memory_

_Are like music to me _

Mitchell didn't bring up the whole pregnancy thing again. I was grateful for it. I didn't want to think about me being pregnant. I would end up thinking about what if I did have a baby and what if Freddie and I…

I liked to sit upside down sometimes and feel the blood rush to my head. Then you'd sit up quickly and get dizzy from the lack of blood in the rest of your body. I used to do it all the time when I was a kid. Melanie and I would have competitions to see who would stop being dizzy faster. That was before she figured out the joy of girly stuff like dolls, make-up, dresses, etc.

Mitchell talked enough for the both of us so I contributed almost nothing to the conversation on why the Powerpuff Girls were revolutionary.

"I mean, it introduced kids to their first transvestite," he pointed out, eating some of my ice cream. I liked to buy vanilla ice cream and then mix whatever I wanted into it. This was vanilla, twizzlers, and reeses butter cups ice cream. "This is really good Sam." I sat up nodding towards him.

"Yeah, I know I can cook and bake. I just don't like to," I said, squeezing my eyes closed as my head did twirls while my body was still.

"You could do that, you know, for a job. Ever thought of that?" he suggested. I shrugged.

"I guess I could. It'd be something I like and chefs get paid a lot of they're as good as me," I said, smiling. He snickered. "Why? Getting tired of me taking all your money?" I half-joked. I did feel guilty everytime he handed me an envelope that had many hundred-dollar bills in it. It didn't feel right. It wasn't the same as when I would take money from Freddie or borrow from Carly. I could take care of myself and I felt like he was taking care of me.

"Nah, please take it. I don't want anything to do with it but I don't know," he shrugged. "Just a suggestion." He looked into the carton of ice cream a little too intently.

"What? What is it?" I asked. He looked up at me with guilty eyes and sighed.

"I got a job in New Mexico," he murmured. I gasped and threw a pillow at him.

"Tell me your fuckin' kidding me?" I screamed at him. He shook his head, his eyes wide. "What the fuck?"

"Well, I always wanted my art to be sold or displayed, you know, and I've been doing a lot better with Spencer's help so I've been applying for spots out here and I got one. In New Mexico," he explained. "Don't hate me!"

"I could never but when do you have to leave? I mean, there's no way you can commute everyday between Seattle and New Mexico," I said.

"I leave in two weeks," he muttered. I gasped and threw the TV remote at him this time. He dodged it.

"Thanks for telling me now, you jackass! You're gonna leave me all alone here! It's been you that's been helping me through all of this since I got back!" I yelled, tears coming out of my eyes. I wiped them and felt my wet fingers. "What the fuck!" Mitchell stood up, glaring at me.

"I get that you're going through all of this," he said through gritted teeth, waving his arms around. "But did you ever stop to think about what the fuck I want? I got a job! Doing what I love and all you can think about is yourself!" I started to cry harder. "And look at you! You're a mess! Take the fuckin' test because if you're not pregnant, then you're fuckin' pathetic!"

I stood up and stomped toward him, still crying my eyes out. I punched him across the face, making him stumble to the side.

"Get the fuck out! Just go! I'm done with you and your shit!" I yelled, pushing him out. He grabbed his jacket and glared at me.

"Ditto," he responded. I slammed the studio door in his face and glared at him through the glass. I watched him march away angrily, muttering to himself. I continued to cry and I didn't even know why I was crying. I sat down on my bed and turned off the TV. At that very moment…the thing I wanted most was Freddie. I wanted him to try and make me feel better and then I could punch him and tell him what a wuss he is. And then he'd tell me how much he cares and we'd kiss.

I stood up, going to my dresser. I hated all these lovey-dovey feelings. It had been horrible every time I cried over him. I wanted to beat myself up for being so emotional and I was feeling that way again. I went through my underwear drawer and found the plastic bag with the rectangular box in it from 2 nights ago.

I didn't want to be pathetic.

···

_I'm miles from where you are _

_I lay down on the cold ground _

_And I, I pray that something picks me up _

_And sets me down in your warm arms_

I stared at the test in my hands and that little symbol that was displayed. I threw it out and then gathered the garbage together. I walked upstairs into the studio and breathed in and out deeply. I couldn't take this to be true because there's still hope in me that if I'm right about anything, it's about how my life works in this world. I needed more tests.

I ran to my bed, searching for my phone. I reluctantly called Mitchell, not really wanting to apologize. He picked up after three rings.

"What do you want now?" he asked in an annoyed tone. I rolled my eyes.

"More pregnancy tests, jerk-off. I don't trust just one," I answered. There was a pause between us. "Hello?"

"I'm on my way to a drugstore and back. Why do you need another?" he questioned. "What did that one say?"

"It doesn't matter what it said," I snapped. "Just get here with those tests."

"Alright, alright, no need to be a bitch. Just, um…Sam, about earlier," he started.

"Forget about it. We're friends. Friends fight occasionally. We're still friends right?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Good. Then there's nothing to talk about," I replied.

"Good. I didn't wanna go into that any—" I hung up on him, knowing he wouldn't take it to be rude. This was just the way we were.

I really wanted some ham at that moment (refusing to think that I "craved" it,) and went downstairs. Spencer was working on a painting. He looked at it with a scrunched up face and green paint on his hands. He didn't seem to realize this because he had his hand on his chin, thinking. I chuckled at him. He never changed. He looked up at me and smiled; there was green paint all over the bottom half of his face.

"What up, Sam? You know I saw Mitchell storm out of here a few minutes ago. I hope everything is good between the two of you," he said. I nodded, still smiling.

"Yeah, everything's fine. It just got a little tense," I hopped over the couch and sat down on it. "The way you said that though, you don't think me and Mitchell are dating, do you?" I asked. He shook his head at me.

"Nah, Mitchell's gay," he responded. I gasped, laughing immediately after. "What, am I wrong?" I shook my head.

"How'd you know? I didn't even guess it," I said. Spencer shrugged, looking back at his painting, which was a water lily but it wasn't white. The water lily looked blurry and mostly blue and green. It was beautiful; I couldn't see anything wrong with it. "Reminds me of Socko." My eyes widened in shock.

"Wait, what? Socko's gay? How come you never told us?" I asked, interested in this bit of news. Spencer chuckled as he opened a bottle of brown paint. He dipped his paintbrush in it and started to outline the water lily.

"Because I always talk about my friends' sexualities with my teenage sister's friends," he said sarcastically. "I didn't think it mattered and it never popped up in day-to-day conversation so…yeah. So I could tell right away that Mitchell was gay."

"Wow. Well, I'm surprised. It's like finding out after all these years that Bert and Ernie were like…together. It just ruins the whole show for you," I said, while Spencer burst out laughing and almost messed up his painting. "I try not to think about it." I stared at Spencer as he breathed out a sigh that his water lily was all right. "Hey Spencer, you're not gay, right?"

Spencer looked over at me and gave me a skeptical look. "No Sam. Me es hetero-sessuale," he said. We both laughed.

"By the way, he doesn't really want Carly and them know so keep it on the down low," I said, my voice getting lower. He nodded his head, paying more attention to his painting than me. "You know Mitchell has a total crush on you, right?" I asked. He nodded.

"Yeah, I noticed after he complimented my hair," he said, pointing to the bad haircut he'd gotten after I came back. It was finally growing out but still looked kinda bad. "I don't know how to let him down easy though and he knows I'm straight so I don't really see the harm."

"You just like the fact that someone has a crush on you," I pointed out. I gasped, covering my mouth. "Did you know that I had a crush on you?" I asked. He gave me a guilty smile and I groaned.

"Sorry? It's not your fault, I'm just too hot," he said, flipping his hair like that blue-haired guy had. "It's no surprise that you guys had crushes on me." I laughed.

"Oh god, your ego is blinding me," I said, squinting my eyes. He stuck his tongue out at me and began scrutinizing his painting again.

I stood up behind him to see the painting. When he had opened the brown paint bottle, I thought he was gonna ruin the picture but it had actually been a nice addition with the blue and green. I noticed there was a part of it that could use some brown so I grabbed the paintbrush out of his hand and fixed it myself.

Spencer looked over at me and smiled. "Thanks," he said. He dragged his fingers on my cheek and smiled. Now I had green paint all over my face. "Now you're a true artist." I smiled, looking at his painting.

"The blue and brown together look so pretty," I commented. He nodded, smudging some green paint onto it.

"They always look pretty together," he said. I nodded, thinking of how warm a color brown is. That led to me thinking about Freddie and my eyes got teary. I stomped my foot in frustration. Spencer looked at me confused. "What happened?"

I looked at him with tears in my eyes and stomped my foot again. I slammed myself onto the couch and covered my face with my hands. "I love Freddie," I cried, looking at him. Spencer sat down next to me and wiped his hands on his jeans. He hugged me.

"Yeah, I know," he replied. I broke away from the hug and looked at him confusion.

"What?"

"Why do you think I'm so clueless? You kids spent and still spend almost every waking moment together in this apartment. I noticed things, picked up on some vibes, realized some chemistry," he said, nudging me. I chuckled. "You live here now. Do you think I don't notice who you call or how you speak to a certain someone?"

I shrugged. "I didn't think you really noticed us," I said. He hugged me again.

"So what's really bothering you about Freddie?" he asked. I looked at him, wondering if I should tell him about the whole pregnancy thing but I decided against it.

"Well, I guess you already knew about us seeing each other over the break so I can skip that part," I replied. His eyes widened.

"I actually did not know that but keep going," he said. I chuckled.

"Score one for Puckett," I murmured off-topic. "Anyway, I ended it because I didn't think we could work but I lied. I love him and I want him so badly." Spencer hugged me tighter. This felt all wrong. "And I feel like such a dork, crying over this but I can't stop myself."

"One thing that I've notice about you, Sam," he started. "Is that you put up this strong front but sometimes you need to pull it down. There is nothing wrong with expressing your feelings and anyone who told you that was an idiot. It's pretty safe to say that the feeling is mutual, right?" I shrugged, subtly breaking away from his hug.

"I don't know," I muttered. Spencer scoffed.

"Don't try and pull that crap with me, Puckett. You know. And you know how much he cares about you. So I don't know what you're scared of. I say go for it before you guys both go in different directions," he said.

"What about Carly? She's convinced herself that she's in love with him," I pointed out. Spencer rolled his eyes.

"Another thing that I noticed about you and always wished would rub off onto my sister is that you don't fall for the first guy who says you're cute and has a nice smile. Carly will move on. You could to but I don't think you'll let yourself. And I've always voted for Seddie so I'd be really sad too," he added. I laughed, wiping my tears away. I hugged Spencer this time.

" I hate that mash-up name. It sounds like some sort of STD or another serious disease. Thanks Spence. I wish I had a big brother like you," _Again._ Spencer nodded his head, smiling.

"Well, I'm always here for you, Sam. Don't forget that," he responded. I broke away from the hug and stood in front of the picture. I really liked it. "You can have it if you want. I don't want it but I don't wanna just give it to some random person."

I nodded, smiling wider than I had probably ever done before. I took a sharpie marker out from Spencer's art kit and handed it to him.

"Go ahead and put your mark on it. Once you get rich and famous, I can say I have an original by Spencer. Hell, I was there and I even helped." He chuckled and put his signature in the corner of the picture, also dating it. He stood up and stared at the picture.

"Well, I'm gonna go get some more art supplies. I'm running low," he said. He picked up his keys off the table. "For dinner, I was gonna cook some pasta casserole. You in?" I nodded, thinking of Spencer's pasta casserole and its extreme yumminess. It reminded me that I originally came down here to get myself some ham. I walked quickly into the kitchen and opened the fridge to see a container of ham, smiling at me brightly.

"I'll be back at some time during this day," Spencer called as he opened the door. I waved my hand behind me, not caring what he did at this point.

"Yeah, yeah, just leave already," I said. I heard a chuckle and a door close. I walked back to the couch and plopped myself down, holding my ham in one hand and a black cherry soda in the other. I turned on the TV and began flipping through the channels until I found reruns of Jackass and Viva La Bam. I loved those shows and admired them. I modeled my adventures with Mitchell after these shows.

I put down my ham so I could move around when I accidentally sat on my phone. I pulled it from under my butt and stared at it for a while before deciding what to do. I dialed his number because yes, I memorized it and there was a part of me that wanted to make this dramatic. Punching in those 10 numbers and pressing send was more dramatic than going to your contacts. I heard his phone ring and my heart stared to race. What would I say to Freddie when he picked up? Why wouldn't he pick up? There had only been 4 rings but I was too nervous so I hung up before he could pick up.

I truly hated this kid and how he made me feel. And that he might've gotten me pregnant.

···

_After I have traveled so far_

_We'd set the fire to the third bar_

_We'd share each other like an island_

_Until exhausted, close our eyelids _

_And dreaming pick up from_

_The last place we left off_

_Your soft skin is weeping_

_A joy you can't keep it_

It wasn't long after I hung up that my phone rang. I prayed it wasn't Freddie because there was absolutely no way to explain calling him out of the blue. I looked at the caller ID to see it was Carly. I breathed out a sigh and picked up.

"Yippity yo yo. What's happenin' Carls?" She laughed at my greeting.

"Sometimes, I think you've dedicated your life to being weird," she commented. I tried not to let that simple statement sting. Carly never seemed to think about how what she said affected me. I laughed it off like I knew I should.

"Keeps the posers away," I defended, rolling my eyes as some sappy thing happened between Chuck and Blair that had them both crying. Melanie kept telling me to give the show a try or to at least watch the Chair moments. With how much I liked the show now, I'd rather watch One Tree Hill. I hate One Tree Hill. I changed the channel back to MTV, hoping the commercials were done.

"Whatever. I'm calling because I wanted to tell you me and Freddie are coming up this weekend even though we did last weekend too since we have a long weekend because of those dead presidents holidays. We're on our way now and almost there," she said. I shrugged. I didn't really care. Carly was gonna forget me and moon over Freddie and Freddie was gonna ignore me. They might as well not even be here by how much we actually do together.

"Ok? I'm kinda busy Carly, ooh! They're doing my favorite skit of the guy walking around as the devil!" I exclaimed, jumping in my seat. I loved that little prank; the people's reactions were the funniest. This one, the fake baby crashes, and when all the guys started taking their clothes off and dancing in only a thong and a bow tie. Classic.

"But, Sam!" she whined. "I called for a reason. I think things are getting back to the way they used to be. Like with Freddie." I felt my stomach drop out of my body and I could literally feel nothing inside me.

"Oh?" My voice quivered a bit and I flinched, hoping Carly didn't notice.

"Yeah! The night that we went to that acid club, we kissed." I probably would've choked if I was eating or drinking anything. "I kissed him and he didn't kiss back but he didn't push me away so it counts," she laughed. I laughed with her half-heartedly, wanting to cry. But what more can I expect when I called things off with him. I really had no place to be getting upset.

Someone knocked on the door as Carly began to go into full detail of how the kiss had happened, what it had felt like, etc. I opened the door. Mitchell smiled weakly, holding up a plastic bag filled with rectangular boxes. I started to get really nervous. I hung up on Carly, forgetting to say bye or even let her know. I didn't care; right now, the most important thing to talk about: Am I pregnant?

Mitchell and I ran into the bathroom, locking the door behind us. He had also bought a 2 liter bottle of root beer.

"Took a tip from Juno," he explained when I looked at him confused. I chuckled. I drank half of it in about 15 minutes. We waited for my bladder to explode enough for maybe three of the eleven tests Mitchell had gotten. It actually was enough for five though everyone knows how hard it is to stop yourself from peeing once you started. So it got kinda messy. That's when Mitchell said he's wait out loud while I laughed hysterically at all the pee on his hands.

It came down to the last one and we sat next to each other.

"Ugh, this is taking forever!" I screamed. Mitchell snickered at me.

"You keep looking at it every three seconds. A watched pot never boils," he quoted, standing up. I glared at him. Then I laughed.

"I'm impatient. Sue me. I was the same way in the elevator until...Freddie distracted me," I said, blushing.

"Distracted you with what?" Mitchell said, staring at his reflection in the mirror and fixing his hair. He hadn't been paying attention to me because if he had he would've known right away. It was weird how we never took each others' disinterest We made eye-contact through the mirror and he gasped, laughing. He turned around to laugh in my face.

"I always wanted to ask you, was he good?" he asked in a whispered tone like it was so scandalous. I laughed.

"Yeah. It was...a lot better than I expected," I answered. He smiled and moved to sit next to me. "We did some stuff that I never would've thought him even capable of thinking of."

"Like?" he inquired, interested. "Did you guys have a threesome?"

"Ew! NO! Who would we have had a threesome with? No! Ew!" I shivered, creeped out.

"They say it's better when you're in love with the person," he said. "Is that true?" I looked over at him, all of sudden teary-eyed. I nodded, crying. "I think the test is done." I picked it up off the sink counter and stared at it.

"It says yes," I said, wiping my tears away.

"So that's 8?" he asked, standing up to hug me again. I nodded.

"8 out of fuckin' 11 say I'm pregnant," I said, calmly though I threw the pregnancy test at the wall so hard, it broke. We both flinched away from the broken pieces that spiraled through the air.

"The only sure way is to go to a gynecologist," he said. I nodded. I already knew that.

"Yeah, I made an appointment earlier today for 4. Wait, how do you know so much?"I asked.

"My younger sister got pregnant at 15 and I had to help her through the whole thing since she didn't want our parents to know. It wasn't that hard to keep it from them. She came over here for a year and stayed with a friend. Sam, you know it's like 2:50 now, right?" I nodded.

"Can you drive?" I asked. "I'm feeling a little wobbly." I hated to admit that I felt weak but there was no way I was getting behind the wheel.

"Yeah. When do I not drive?" But I'm curious," he said. "What did the other test say?"

"It said no, that I wasn't pregnant. But I felt that that made it too easy and my life has never been easy," I answered. Mitchell "awwed" and hugged me. I normally would've pushed him away because I hate sympathy. I accepted this hug because I was right. My life is shit and I deserve no better.

"I'll make you some bacon for the trip and for when we get back," he said. I smiled and pushed him out of the bathroom, collecting all the tests to throw out, outside the building, including the first one.

"Hurry it up then!"

···

_I'm miles from where you are_

_I lay down on the cold ground_

_And I, I pray that something picks me up_

_And sets me down in your warm arms _

We got there at exactly 4 but I wasn't called up until around 5. I don't know what it is about doctor's and taking way to long with their patients. When it was finally my turn, the doctor asked why Mitchell was coming with us.

"Oh, he's here for support, you know, in case I do have a bun in the oven," I replied. The doctor nodded, slightly amused when I realized that he was a guy! A guy was gonna be sticking his hand all in me! It wasn't that much better with a girl but it felt less like they were trying to rape me. Mitchell seemed to have realized this as well because we gave each other mischievous smiles. We were going to use the awkwardness of the situation to our advantage.

"I hope you don't mind me asking but I assume he's the father?" he asked, kindly. That was annoying. If you wanted to know if I was a slut or not, all you had to do was ask me right out.

"Well, I hope so. We'll know if the baby comes out black or hispanic or asian or jewish," I said, smiling brightly. The doctor paused for a second before putting on his gloves. He had on rubber! Hee hee.

"So, you like, do this for a living?" Mitchell asked. The doctor nodded. "You like touching women's vaginas?" I snickered as the doctor chose to ignore that question.

"I think he does," I whispered. The doctor shook his head while he gestured for me to sit down on the uncomfortable chair of uncomfortableness. The minute I had got there, I had changed into a gown even though they said I could wait. I was ready to go.

"It's not a matter of liking. It's my job and I enjoy doing it," he said. I turned to Mitchell and poked his chest.

"Told you!" Mitchell smiled at me.

The doctor first started looking at my vagina, inspecting it. I hated going to gynecologists but if there was one thing my mom did right, it was force me to see one every year since I turned 15. She had thought I was a slut and would be sexually active like she was at my age but I waited. I wanted to wait for Freddie and do that whole romantic shit but they went down the drain. I honestly don't remember who I lost it to. And I can tell you, that's not the way to lose it.

"So how does my wife look? She pretty down there?" The doctor ignored him and let me know he was now gonna check inside. I braced myself and gasped when he went inside. Awkward. "How does she feel? I think she feels good, you know?" I tried so hard not to laugh because then it would mess up the whole charade. "You know, since you've already invaded her privacy, why don't you go ahead and taste her too."

The doctor stopped and breathed in deeply as if he was asking for patience. I burst out laughing, shaking from head to toe.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I said between laughs. "That was too far Mitchell!" The doctor looked up at me confused. "We've been kidding around, I'm so sorry." The doctor smiled a bit, chuckled, and sighed.

He pulled his hand out and walked over to his little desk, making notes. I sat up and looked at Mitchell, my laughter slowly dying. Mitchell winked at me.

"It's alright," the doctor said. "For a second, I was wondering if humanity had come to this." We all laughed.

"You'd be surprised," Mitchell commented. The doctor ( I never cared to learn his name and remember it after he told us although I should've,) took off his gloves and threw them out.

"So I guess you guys aren't really married," he asked. I shook my head.

"He's just my friend, and he's being supportive," I answered.

"And I don't want to sound rude, but do you know who the father is?" I nodded.

"I didn't want...to get him worked up when it might be nothing. I've missed periods before and pregnancy tests aren't the same as hearing it from a doctor so..." I replied. "You said father, that means..."

He nodded. "You're pregnant. About 8-9 weeks along."

···

_I'm miles from where you are_

_I lay down on the cold ground _

_And I, I pray that something picks me up_

_And sets me down in your warm arms _

We sat on the couch; really, Mitchell was on the couch and I was sitting on his lap, trying not to break down. Of course I would get pregnant. Of course this would happen to me. This type of stuff only happens to me.

"So even though I am pregnant, I'm pretty sure I'm pathetic," I said. I opened my mouth while Mitchell fed me a piece of ham. Yeah, he was feeding me.

"You're not pathetic, Sam. I'm sorry I ever said that. I was wrong to expect you to be okay when I dropped the news like that. You've been through a lot your whole life and you've always buried your problems. Now they're resurfacing," he responded. I looked at him and snuggled closer.

"Every one of my twins is such a...feelings person. Ugh, I don't fit in with people who are just like me!" I exclaimed, closing my eyes. Mitchell chuckled.

"Yes, you do, just calm down," he checked his watch. "They'll be here soon." I held my breath. "Are you going to tell Freddie?"

I shrugged. "I don't know what I want to do. I have no idea what to do."

"Well, you need to make up your mind. For all three of you," he replied, pushing me off his lap. I scrambled back on, wrapping my arms around his neck to pull me back.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"It'll look wrong and I don't wanna cause anymore problems between you and Freddie," he answered. I rolled my eyes, shaking my head.

"I really don't care," After the words left my mouth, someone keyed in. Carly and Freddie came through the door. Carly squealed as she looked at me and Mitchell.

"Oh my god, are we interrupting something?" she questioned, a great big smile on her face. I looked back at her and Freddie. Freddie's eyes looked so hurt and I turned back around, bursting into tears. Mitchell held me tighter, knowing that there was more of this shit to come.

**A/N: **Today's my birthday! Since I'm so happy about it ( not really, I don't feel anything about it) so I decided to be nice and post the next chapter. I also have a Seddie oneshot that will either get posted today or tomorrow. Yeah, this is how dorky I am! XP


	8. Author's Note, DONT KILL ME!

**A/N****: **I'm so sorry! I would like to say that first. My grandmother is a complete computer hog so I wasn't able to type my fanfic but I have one chapter finished and another started. I was lucky enough to get to a computer now but I think on Monday I'm going back to grandmother's house so I won't be home until the week of my sister's birthday which is August 18th (the same day as Percy Jackson with whom she's in love with.) My sister is also on fanfiction and acknowledged me so I guess I should acknowledge her too. She is PurplePercabethPandaLover. .net/u/3022744/PurplePercabethPandaLover Anyway, I've been having a superb summer and got a huge panda while I was in DC this week! And I got an ipod touch! Not as cool as those pads but I just upgraded from a nano so I'm pretty happy about it! The only thing that is left to happen is to get my new phone (I dropped my old one in the toilet twice in a row,) and my laptop which I got for getting all 90s in my last report card! Just thought I'd share my summer with you guys since I can't give you a new chapter. Feel free to share yours with me as well! Until the week of August 18th… XP


	9. Simple Math

···

_Hunter eyes_

_I'm lost and hardly noticed, slight goodbye_

_I want to rip your lips off in my mouth_

_And even in my greatest moment, doubt_

_the line between deceit and right now_

_Simple math, _

_it's how our bodies even got here_

_Sinful math,_

_the ebb and flow to multiply _

Carly rushed over to the couch, worry plain on her face.

"What's wrong Sam?" she asked. I to shook my head, clinging Mitchell. He patted my back, trying to calm me down. I could tell he wasn't sure what was wrong with me either.

I'm a mess. That's what's wrong.

Carly sat next to Mitchell, hoping to get some sort of answer from me but I refused. Freddie sat down on the other side of Carly, trying not to look at me though I saw him sneak a few glances. He turned on the TV.

"Maybe some mindless entertainment will make her feel better," he muttered, looking through the guide. He chose E! because Keeping Up With the Kardashians was on. It caused me to smile to know he remembered one of my guilty pleasures.

"I don't think Sam'll want to watch this. I don't even watch this crap," Carly said, reaching her hand out to take the remote from Freddie.

"No," I said in that soft voice you get after crying. "Leave it. This'll do." Carly shrugged, still looking worried for me. She kept glaring at Mitchell like he was the source of my hurt. The irony made me smile internally.

There was a marathon so I was distracted by the somewhat superficial shenanigans of Kardashian family. That was until I noticed Carly and Freddie silently talking to each other. They both had wide smiles and Carly kept inching closer to Freddie.

It felt like I couldn't breathe and I kept repeating in my head that this was the way things were supposed to be. Freddie and Carly were supposed to be together. And I...I'd be okay as soon as I got over him.

But how did this unborn baby fit into it all?

I turned back to the TV, blanking my mind of any thoughts. I was tired of all the mind cramps I was giving myself.

Mitchell gently pushed me off his lap, next to Carly. I looked at him, my eyes wide and scared.

"I gotta go home," he announced to all of us. "I'll see you guys tomorrow." He leaned down to hug me. "Call me if it gets too much," he whispered. I nodded, smiling. Mitchell smiled at Carly and Freddie and gave them a small wave. After he was gone, Carly moved closer to me.

"Did Mitchell do something?" she asked. I looked at her with my eyes watering. I was so over this crying thing. Yet for some reason it never ended.

I sighed, rolling my eyes. A tear came down.

"No Carly. Mitchell didn't do anything," I replied.

"Well, are you guys dating? I think you guys would be perfect for each other," she suggested. I laughed.

"Nah. I don't think we'll ever date."

"Why not?" Carly continued to question. I looked at her. She was really trying to push me with Mitchell.

"Because he's gay," I answered. Both Carly and Freddie's eyes widened. "He didn't want to tell you guys because frankly, he doesn't like either of you but I just wanted to clear some things up," I said, looking straight at Freddie. Freddie stared back at me. I'm pretty sure both of our faces were expressionless. I looked away first, turning back to the TV.

"Oh. Well...uh, "Carly was at a loss for words. "I'm gonna go get some iced tea. Anyone want one?"

"Yeah," Freddie said as I shook my head. Carly got up but turned back around abruptly.

"Wait. So if it isn't Mitchell, then what's going on Sam?" she asked. I looked up at her.

"You know, stuff," I said. I looked down at the TV to let her know that was all I was gonna say. I heard her sigh and walk into the kitchen. I picked up the remote and changed it to the HBO channels. (500) Days of Summer and Inception were both on. It picked up my moos, featuring some of my favorite actors and two of my favorite movies. **(A/N: **I was flipping through these two movies while writing this. Hee hee XP**) **

Freddie moved closer to me while I watched the hotness that is Joseph Gordon-Levitt play two sexy-in-their-own-way, different characters.

"Sam," he started, his voice low. I turned toward him. "Are you okay?" His voice sounded like he was genuinely concerned and my heart was fluttering. Fluttering? Oh god.

"I'm...really scared and confused," I admitted, surprising myself. Freddie didn't look surprised. He leaned forward boldly, pressing his forehead against mine. I looked over at the kitchen, hoping Carly wasn't looking at us. She was intently focusing on her iced teas and singing to herself.

"You know I'm always here for you, right?" he whispered, turning his head slightly so his lips were closer to my ear.

"Yes," I replied. I wanted to kiss him so badly.

"So whatever is going on that's confusing and scaring you; whatever you've told Mitchell that you're not talking about now, you can tell me whenever," he said, wiping away a few tears. "Whenever you want me to know."

I looked at him, trying to find a way to tell him that I was pregnant.

"Freddie, I...I'm..." I kept looking between his eyes and his lips. "I want to kiss you," I blurted out. He looked me in the eye before looking down at my lips.

"We can't Sam," he replied, backing away from me. He gulped and looked over at me nervously. I looked behind him to see Carly with her head in the fridge. She hadn't seen anything, thank god. "I'm sorry."

I shook my head, sitting up straight and turning back to Inception.

"You don't need to be," I said. Before he could say anything, Carly "ahem"-ed. We both turned our heads to look at her. She smiled brightly at us. She handed Freddie an iced tea and sat down in between us.

"So what'd I miss?" she asked looking back and forth between Freddie and me. I returned my gaze to the TV and refused to speak.

"Nothing," Freddie answered, coughing a little from trying to talk and drink at the same time.

"You know, both of these movies are sad love stories. Let's watch something happier," she suggested, changing the channel. She came across the Princess Bride, which had just started. **(A/N:**This was on too XP**) **

"Like this!" She smiled and cuddled next to Freddie. I ignored both of them.

···

_What if I was wrong _

_And no one cared to mention? _

_What if it was true_

_And all we thought was right was wrong? _

_Simple math, the truth cannot be fractioned_

_Either way_

It had gotten really late, yet we were still here watching the movie channels: HBO, Cinemax, Showtime, and Encore.

Things had gotten a little better when Freddie and I convinced Carly to give the Breakfast Club a chance. There was something wrong with Carly is she couldn't understand the genius of John Hughes (or Mel Brooks but that was a different story.)

Carly kinda got into it but she didn't like it very much. She's never been a fan of movies made before 1996, which in my opinion is a horrible way to live because there's so many good movies and shows out there. She definitely wasn't very happy about the fact that Freddie and I went back and forth, saying the dialogue.

"How do you guys know this movie so well? It's so outdated and over rated," she pouted. Freddie and I gasped. I was about to argue with her when Freddie stopped me.

"She just doesn't get it. We'll try to explain it as best as we can, right Sam?" He knew how upset I got when people refused to give movies a chance because of their age. Or that it's not in color-use your imagination! I nodded absently while Freddie began to describe the classic teenage identity crisis and struggle while Bender told them he came back because he forgot his pencil.

I started thinking about all the things I was feeling. I was in love with one of my best friends who dated my other best friend. My other best friend was in love with him as well. The friend I'm in love with, yeah, I'm carrying our bastard child. The only person who knows all of this is moving away. I have no job, no family worth mentioning except for a twin that's on the other side of the country,no apartment of my own.

I felt less like an adult (which I unfortunately am,) and more like a lost teenager. There was no way I could take care of a baby in this condition. I felt my stomach, wondering if through some maternal magic I could feel a connection to the baby-fetus thing. I felt nothing. No attachment, no connection, no feelings. IN fact, I'd be evil to even try to be a mother at this time.

"Why are you touching your stomach?" Freddie asked, laughing. I snapped out of my thoughts and realized what I was doing.

"I, uh, I had a big lunch and I don't think eating all that food in less than 30 minutes was a such a good idea," I lied.

"How many times have I told you not to eat so fast? The food isn't going anywhere," Freddie said, exasperated. He rolled his eyes as he got up to get me some seltzer. "There's none here. I'll be right back, my mom always has some." He went across the hall.

Carly turned to me. "How many times has Freddie told you?" she asked. I shrugged. I honestly didn't know.

"I don't know. I don't care. Why do you?" I countered. She eyed me suspiciously and then looked down to play with the hem of her plaid skirt.

"Is there something going on between you and Freddie that I should know about?" she asked in an innocent tone. She only used that voice when she already had an answer in her head. I looked at her for a while wondering which one she had decided was true. I laughed.

"No. Why would you ask me that?" This time she shrugged.

"He seems really protective of you, like boyfriend protective and he's shut me down every time I even bring up the idea of us getting back together," she stopped talking, looking at me expectantly. She assumed that since he didn't want to be with her, it was somebody else. And that somebody else was me. Her assumption was right but I don't think I had the heart to tell her.

As I mentioned before, Carly lived in her own perfect world that consisted of truths. One truth was that her mom would come back one day. She didn't tell me but I knew that was partly why she was okay with iCarly. She hoped that one day her mom would reach out to her thru iCarly.

Another truth was that her dad cared about her. We all knew the reason he was never here, even Guppy figured it out. However, Carly stood by her idea that he cared. When really, he never did.

Something that had once been a lie that had evolved into a truth was that Freddie would always be in love with her. Whether she truly loved Freddie or not, I didn't know. But if she didn't, she was one hell of an actress.

Another truth was that Sam and Freddie hated each other. They would rather walk through fire than ever be together. Yet somehow, they were friends as well. They'd be willing to walk through fire for each other. This was a fuzzy truth but it was one none the less. Not any of these truths could be proven wrong or who knows what would become of her.

So I couldn't tell her the truth.

"That's got to be the most idiotic thing I've heard since "you're gonna need a technical producer". Carly, stop being a paranoid coocookachoo, alright? I don't want Freddie, I don't like him. Whatever is going on between the two of you has nothing to do with me," I lied again. She seemed to believe me because she smiled and hugged me.

"Sorry for being a paranoid coocookachoo! I just wanted to make sure because there's something I wanted to tell you," she replied excitedly. "Remember when you called me a few days ago and I told you that I kissed Freddie?"

I gulped, nodding and smiling the best I could.

"Well, I told him that I felt like had both matured since high school and we should give us another try," she explained. I turned my head away from her so I could take a deep breath and close my eyes. When I looked back, she hadn't even noticed. "And he told me that he had to think about it! Can you believe it? Any other time, he would've dismissed me right away but now he's gonna think about it! And—"

Freddie walked back in with the seltzer.

"Sorry it took so long. I didn't know my mom was home so she got upset at me for not seeing her first when I came back," he smiled gently at me. I felt like I was gonna cry. Again. For maybe the gazillionth time since I came back. At least this time I could blame it on the hormones.

I snatched the seltzer out of his hand and stood up.

"I'm going to bed," I said, winking at Carly so she wouldn't get any more suspicious. She smiled at me while I raced up the stairs.

I walked to my bed and laid down staring at the ceiling. I turned to Porca who stared at me with her perpetual grin and I lost it. I burst into tears. I was even more scared now. It took all I had not ti start hyperventilating and I sat up to cry into my knees. All of this crying was seriously pissing me off but I couldn't control; to be honest, it was a "nice" release of all the feelings I couldn't express.

I tried to think of all the people who had it worse than me so I could sober up but it backfired. I cried even more. I cried while I brushed my hair into a ponytail. I cried while I changed into my pajamas-today it was a giant blue t-shirt and blue and white checkered pants. I cried when I got under the covers and turned off the light. I cried as I hugged Porca close to me.

I stopped crying when I saw Freddie at the door.

···

_I imply to mitigate the guilt, we could align_

_A perfectly constructed alibi_

_To hush the violent guilt that eats and never dies_

_In actual blame, they call me when the dark divides_

_Simple math, _

_It's why our bodies even lay here_

_Sinful math _

_the truth cannot be fashioned _

"Hey," he murmured, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Hey," I replied. "Why are you here?"

"Carly went out with some friends to a club. I didn't feel like going so I was gonna go home but..." He looked at me with that intense gaze that I hated to say I missed.

"Oh." I was his second choice, as usual.

"I wanted to tell you something," he added. He walked over to sit down on the bed. I moved over to make room for him. He took off his shoes so he could put his feet up. I leaned on my hand, sitting up a little so I could see him better.

He looked at Porca and smiled. He picked her up, inspecting her.

"I can't believe you still have this," he said, shocked. I smiled at him weakly and sniffled.

"Of course I do. I was in love with you and you gave me a present," I responded. There was no point in being vague, he already knew. He stared at me again, putting Porca down slowly.

"Were you really in love with me? In high school?" he asked softly. I nodded.

"Yeah. That teenage heartbreak kind of love," I said, half-joking. He chuckled.

"Well that sucks," I replied. "Because we had all that time but we wasted it. I was with Carly,"

"And I was pining," I finished his sentence. He smiled at me again. He pulled me closer to him so that my head leaned against his chest. He took out my hair so he could comb it with his fingers. I felt relaxed and oddly happy. I sighed, wrapping my arms around his waist. I closed my eyes.

He kissed the top of my head, holding me. It was like everything was going to be alright.

Just thinking that must've been a jinx.

Why?

"I kissed Carly," he said. My eyes stayed closed.

"I know. She told me about the club," I said, hoping dearly that he mixed it up.

"No. She kissed me but I didn't kiss her back. Today, before we came upstairs, I kissed her." Why did I even bother hoping anymore?

I opened my eyes slowly, unwrapping my arms. I moved away from him so I could look him straight on the eye.

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked, my voice eerily calm. He looked me in the eye and gulped.

"Because I wanted to tell you before Carly... I'm thinking about getting back with Carly,"the words rushed out of his mouth. I blinked. Hearing it from him was entirely different than hearing it from Carly.

"Ok," I whispered, choking back the tears that were ready to erupt. How did I not dry up? I turned away from him and laid down with my hands below my head.

"I know you've never liked the idea even before we...you know, but I just feel like we had our chance together. To be honest, I'm tired of this whole thing," he said. "I'm tired of being mindfucked everytime I'm with you. Carly's simpler."

I turned back around, the tears falling fast.

"Stop! I don't want to hear this shit, like you're not mindfucking me right now!" I said, my voice raising. I covered my eyes with my hands as I continued to cry. I didn't look at Freddie when I spoke again. "Can you...can you just hold me until I fall asleep?"

It was silent between the two of us except for my crying.

"No," he said. It hurt that he said no but that wasn't what made me look at him. He sounded angry and he was. "I'm gonna be with Carly now. I'm not gonna let you use me like you've done already."

"Please, Freddie," I cried. I reached out to him but he got up, grabbing his shoes.

"Nice touch, the tears," he pointed at my face. "You almost got me with them but I won't let you manipulate me anymore."

"What? I'm not manipulating you! And I don't even know why I'm crying right now. It's 'cuz of these stupid hormones!" I exclaimed. Freddie looked at me confused.

"What do hormones have to do with anything?" he asked. I hesitated, not sure what to say. He may think I'm just trying to get him to stay with me if I tell him I'm pregnant. If he does believe me, he'll probably leave anyway.

"I...I'm...Fred...I'm PMS-ing," I wimped out. I also blame this on the pregnancy. He rolled his eyes.

"Whatever." He walked out, slamming the studio door. I laid back down, crying. I eventually went to sleep. I don't know what it is about crying but it exhausts you.

···

_What if you were crazy, would we have to listen then?_

_What if we've been trying to get to where we've always been?_

_What if I was wrong and started trying to fix it?_

_What if you believed me, everything is brilliant _

_Oh, Oh, Oh _

I avoided Carly the next morning. It turned out not to be as hard as I thought it'd be because she wasn't even home.

I came out of Spencer's bathroom (better shower head) after my shower and other morning routines in a gray sweatshirt that covered a green tank top, black skinny jeans, and Melanie's green flats that I may have added to my suitcase after she left.

I bumped into Spencer.

"Hey, watch where you're going," I said, pushing him. He fell back to the wall. He smiled at me, slightly wincing.

"I, uh. I put the painting up in your room," he said suddenly.

"Um, okay. Thanks for the update." I tried to more around him but he stopped me.

"Carly called me just now," He told me, eying me carefully. "She didn't come home last night," He really wasn't telling me anything I needed to know. "She stayed over at Freddie's." My face went from annoyed to hurt to apathetic in less than 5 seconds. It seemed like everyone had bad news for me, starting with Mitchell and they all knew it would hurt me.

"Why do I need to know this?" I asked him.

"Because you need to know not to give up. Don't give up and I promise he'll be back in no time," he patted my shoulder sympathetically and left to start his next project.

He passed Mitchell on his way out and smiled kindly. When he shut the door, Mitchell sighed, turning towards me.

"He's a hunk," he said, dreamy- eyed. I laughed.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you. He knows you're gay," I said. Mitchell shrugged.

"Didn't try to hide it."

"I also told Carly and Freddie yesterday," Mitchell was upset about that. "Sorry but I'm tired of her trying to put us together."

"Whatever," he pouted.

We sat down together on the couch and began listening to the radio. I know, how old-fashioned of us. We found an indie channel and when a dance song came on, we jumped off the couch and began dancing like crazy people just to make each other laugh.

"We have to talk business though," Mitchell said while dancing with me. I looked at him confused as the song ended.

"What business?"

"Um, I don't know, the current thing living in your stomach," he chuckled. I narrowed my eyes playfully at him.

"Really? It's in my uterus, doofus. Didn't you pay attention in health class?" I joked. He rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, like I ever needed to know what'll happen if I get a girl pregnant," he responded sarcastically. I walked away to get us some snacks when the front door opened.

Carly and Freddie walked through, happy and smiling at each other. Carly looked at me first and then at Mitchell. She looked down like she was embarrassed. Freddie looked at me hesitating to sidestep away from Carly.

"Hey, you guys," Freddie's voice cracked. Mitchell turned to me and we both burst out laughing. Freddie was such a dorkface, only his voice would crack at his age. He cleared his throat. "We, uh, wanted to talk about iCarly," he said. They both looked at me expectantly. I huffed dramatically.

"Do you guys really need me there?" I asked, saying whatever I could to get away from them. I wasn't in the mood to pretend to feel something I don't. "Just make up something funny and I'll be there to record it."

Carly shrugged, laughing and grabbed Freddie's hand to drag him away. Freddie didn't look back.

Mitchell turned to me. "You okay?" he asked, concern all over his face. I nodded.

"It just makes things more complicated and confusing," I answered, getting us some beef jerky, chips, juice, and golden oreos. I sat down next to Mitchell with the snacks in my arms. I began devouring them, giving very little to Mitchell.

"So, what exactly do we need to talk about?" I wondered. Mitchell sighed.

"I had to do this with my sister," he started. "You have options with what you want to do with the baby. You can keep it and raise him or her by yourself. You can raise him or her with Freddie-you guys don't have to be together. You can hand the baby over to a relative or friend to watch the kid until you're ready. You can put it up for adoption-open or closed. I assume you've seen Juno so I don't have to explain it," I nodded. "The last option is abortion, in which they either destroy the embryo or take it out. I don't remember. Abortion is for if you don't want to give birth; you're not ready. I think it's mainly for if you're raped and get pregnant."

I stared at Mitchell, glad that I had him. I put the food I'd been shoving in my mouth aside and gave him a hug.

"I love you," I told him. We'd only known each other for a couple of months but he was the best person I'd ever met. From what I'd seen, he didn't have one thing about him that I didn't like.

"Babe, I love you too," he responded, hugging me back. "We are both super hot, super awesome people." He had said that to make me laugh and it worked.

"What should I do?" I asked, breaking away from the hug.

"You need to tell Freddie but I can tell you've already crossed that out of your mind," he said. I smiled at him because he knew me so well. "Well, then, you have to consider all the options you have and choose the one that best suits you," I looked up at the ceiling, leaning back. I really didn't know what I should do. "I'll stand by you, whatever you decide."

I opened my eyes, breathing in slowly and deeply. We sat there in silence until I broke it.

"I think...I should...abort it. I'm not ready for any of this, at all," I said.

"If that's what you really want," he replied.

"That's not what I fuckin' want 'cuz I'm a fuckin' little girl!" I exclaimed, bursting into tears yet again. Surprise.

"What do you mean?" he asked, concerned.

"I mean...I want a freakin' family with Freddie," I cried.

"Aww, sweetie," he said, hugging me again. I pushed him away and wiped my eyes.

"No! You can't encourage my sappy corny self. Push me to be tough," I told him. He smiled at me.

We heard stomps on the stairs and turned to see Carly. She smiled at us.

"Freddie needed me to get a cable from his room," she explained as she left. We nodded to her, halting our conversation until she was gone.

"You think she heard us?" I asked. Mitchell shrugged.

"I don't care. She can think and say whatever she wants, she'll always be a bitch," Mitchell replied. I chuckled.

"Full on Carly hate?"

"She's a bad, oblivious friend to you," he said. I shook my head.

"This is a recent thing. Carly and I were the bestest of friends when we were younger but she only started acting like this once guys got into the picture," I tried to defend her. He sucked his teeth and rolled his eyes.

"Now she's a bigger bitch," he said. I rolled my eyes and sighed, shrugging.

"She wants to find her Prince Charming," I said.

"Anyway, if you want an abortion, you should go to the clinic to see what's gonna happen and all that," he changed the subject. I shivered, grabbing Spencer's car keys off the table.

"Clinics give me hives." Mitchell raised his eyebrows at me. "My mom practically lived there when I was in middle school and high school!"

"Okay, okay, your business," he said as he put his hands up in surrender. We chuckled at each other. "You want me to go with you?" he asked me. I shook my head.

"I should get used to doing all this shit by myself now," I explaines as we heard another set of footsteps come down the stairs. Freddie looked at is from the bottom of the stairs.

"Let's stop the awkward staring and act like we're the adults we aren't," Mitchell said, rolling his eyes. I snickered, smiling. I turned to Freddie and we smiled at each other. Until his smile fell and I looked down, brushing my hair back.

"Tell Carly that I forgot I was supposed to meet my mom at the hospital and I'll be back around 7 so we can rehearse then," he said. I nodded, forgetting that I was supposed to be leaving now too.

He opened the door and paused, turning back to us. He looked at me and then at Mitchell.

"I'm really sorry for what I said to you before, you know, when I called you..." he squirmed. I looked at Mitchell, somewhat amused by Freddie's apology. Mitchell was half-amused and half-annoyed.

"Yeah, whatever, just go to your mommy," Mitchell said, waving his hand in dismissal. Freddie smiled.

"Thanks man," Freddie said. I watched him leave and turned to Mitchell.

"Go. If you're gonna keep this a secret even though I disagree, you're gonna need practice," Mitchell ordered, pushing me off the couch. "I'll tell Ms. Bitch what Mr. Jackass said." I laughed, walking out the door.

"Wait," I stopped. "Then what's my name?"

"Why, you're Mrs. Jackass," he replied, winking and turning on the TV. I snickered, closing the door.

I walked down the hallway, stopping a few feet away from Freddie. He stood there waiting for the elevator. I cleared my throat and he turned around, immediately smiling. I smiled at him, looking down and brushing my hair back. I froze in the middle of it, realizing what I was doing. I was sickening myself with this "shy flirting." Freddie laughed, poorly disguising it as a cough. I looked back at him and he raised an eyebrow at me.

"You following me?" he asked. I snorted.

"You wish Benson," I replied. The elevator dinged and the doors opened. He walked inside, smiled even wider, and beckoned me forward like I was some scared puppy.

"Come here," he joked. "I won't hurt you." I rolled my eyes, smiling at him. Looking at him, I knew what I wanted. What I wanted to do.

I walked, more of, strutted towards him and pulled his lips to mine. I pressed myself against him and he fell back against the wall. He kept his arms up for a while not sure what to do with them. He settled his hands on my waist before pulling me closer to him.

···

_What if I've been trying to get to where I've always been?_

_What if we've been trying to get to where we've always been?_

_Simple math, believe me, all is brilliant _

_What if we've been trying to kill the noise and silence? _

We forgot to press the lobby button so we stayed on the 8th floor.

Freddie moved to kiss my neck. I sighed, wrapping my arms around his neck. He lifted my sweater a little.

"Aren't you hot?" he whispered against my neck. I chuckled and stepped back. I pulled the sweater over my head and eyed him seductively.

"You tell me," I responded. He licked his lips and pulled me by the hand to him. He kissed me, pressing me against the wall. "Deja vu, huh?" He chuckled.

"No," he said inbetween kisses. "Deja vu is when something happens that seems familiar but it's never actually happened before. This," he paused to let his hand wander and smiled at my reaction. "has happened before."

"Oh my god, shut up!" I groaned. "Who cares?" I kissed him, beginning to take off his shirt and getting frustrated that I kept messing up. I pushed him away and glared.

"What?" he wondered, amused.

"Why do you insist on wearing button-down shirts?" I asked. He rolled his eyes, unbuttoning it himself a lot faster that I would've. It revealed his super fine body and I got warm all over.

"Because I'm branching away from polos. Because I know it annoys you, almost as much as stripes," he answered. I smiled happily at him as the elevator shook, moving down. We both laughed and walked towards each other. We kissed each other, slower this time.

"I love you," I whispered. He backed away from me with his hand in my hair and a frown on his face.

"Sam," he sighed. The elevator stopped at the 4th floor. We both looked to see the man from Christmas.

"Not you guys again," he complained, backing out. "There are these things called rooms, in case you didn't know. And if you don't have one at home, they recently came out with these new things called hotels. I think you guys could benefit from that." I rolled my eyes and walked around Freddie to press the "close doors" button.

"You're not a pretty sight to see again either. I'm sorry medicine isn't advanced enough to help you with whatever's going on in this general area," I said, circling the lower half of my body while the doors closed. I turned back to Freddie. He was putting his shirt on with his back to me. I shrugged, letting my arms slap my sides. "So this is it?"

"I shouldn't have...you, we shouldn't have...I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. I don't want to get back with you. I can't control myself around you and even right now I want to kiss you and some other stuff," he turned around to face me. "But I shouldn't. I need to get over you. I'm giving this whole Carly thing a shot," he said. I pressed the lobby button, knowing the fun was over and it was time to talk.

"But what if I was wrong? I..." Freddie's face fell.

"See? You don't really love me. It's alright. I've come to grips with it," Freddie said as the doors opened. He tried to walk past me but I grabbed his arm.

"Wait, Freddie. I do love you and I want to be with you," I replied, being more honest than I wanted to be. But something was telling me to stop him. I will never be comfortable exposing myself yet I'd already done it a number of times for Freddie. That itself should show how much I love him.

"I'm sorry, ok, I'm so sorry for hurting you," I even apologized. "I was scared to be with you. I was scared that at any moment you would leave me. For someone else, it didn't have to be Carly. It could've been anyone. I don't know if I can handle anyone else walking out on me so I walked away first for both of us. And your mom was right. You deserve a whole lot better than me. I'm like rock bottom," I chuckled sadly, looking down. Freddie moved his arm our of my hand and moved his hand to my face. He leaned down and kissed my cheek.

"You're not rock bottom for me," he said softly. "But it's too late. You've made it obvious that we won't work and I have no idea what to believe you feel for me anymore. First you hate me, then you like me, then you love me, then you hate me again, I can't keep up!"

He walked out the building, not looking back. I felt shocked and confused of what to do. I didn't want to make these decisions by myself.

···

_What if I was wrong and you never questioned it? _

_What if it was true, _

_And all we thought was right was wrong? _

_Simple math, the truth cannot be fractioned_

_I imply I've got to get it back then _

_Oh, Oh, Oh _

**A/N:** I promised one of the chapters this week and here it is! Also, I'd like to say happy birthday to my little sister! Even though you constantly annoy me, you're my best friend and I love you :)

Anyway, back to this business: if you want a sneak peek into the next chapter, give me the artist of this song and you're favorite (or least favorite) part of the chapter! I should be getting my laptop soon so it'll be easier for me to update :) The next chapter's really long so it might be a while for me to type it up. I'll try for it to be up sometime next week. I know this chapter is frustrating but I promise you that if you just pull through, it'll be worth it. XP


	10. Digital Suicide Swyst

**A/N: **There are two versions of this song (that I know of.) But this one was longer and had such beautiful lines that I chose it. There's not one line in this whole song that I don't like or don't get but then again, I'm depressing like that. The other one is Digital Suicide Lullaby in case you'd want to check it out. I don't think I ever mentioned this but this whole time I've intended for you guys to listen to the songs while reading and have it as a movie in your head.

···

_Sonic youth with sonic dreams, suicidal tendencies_

_Sonic youth with sonic dreams, suicidal tendencies _

I snorted in my lobster bisque and coughed, laughing when I was done. I tried not to laugh hysterically because we were in a fancy restaurant but Mitchell's just too goddamn funny.

He silently chuckled as I groaned in horror when I felt some of the lobster bisque in my nose. It burned my nose. I excused myself to the bathroom, ignoring Mitchell's laughter rise.

I blew my nose noisily. The woman next to me, at the sink, flinched away. I rolled my eyes ay her, looking at myself in the mirror. It still shocked me to see how I'd looked before. I'd dyed my hair back to blonde and was gonna let my hair grow back to its natural color. I was tired of having my hair red. Not the color but of not having my natural hair if that makes sense. I was done hiding.

I came back to our table, Mitchell smirking at me.

"Shut up," I said as I sat down. He shrugged, shaking his head at me.

"So, can you believe it's been two months?" He squealed, leaning forward to ruffle my hair. "It seems like only yesterday, you were crying over some dork with biceps. Looks like my Sammy has done some growing up."

"Yeah, you could say that," I responded. " Why'd you come back so quick anyway?"

"Because it's spring break for the college students. I wanted to help you when Freddie came back. I know he's too much of a bitch to leave you alone for once,"I laughed, knowing it was true. We could be pissed at each other, not speaking to each other but we were always around one another as if it pained us to be apart for too long; though, I wasn't sure if that was true. "But unfortunately, I have to leave on Wednesday. I have a gallery opening in a few weeks but for some reason they need me now."

I pretended to pout. "I wish I could go to your opening but there is now way I have the money to pay for the tickets to and from New Mexico," I replied.

"I could afford it," Mitchell offered, shrugging. I shook my head.

"It was awesome in the beginning but now I feel like a trophy wife."

"I am your gay husband though," Mitchell said.

"Oh, just shut up!" He laughed.

"So, how's things with Carly? I don't even wanna know about the Freddie situation," he said. I laughed, shaking my head.

"You really don't. It's weird with Carly. I feel like we're both pretending and waiting for the other to stop," I said. He raised his eyebrows.

"That deep?" I nodded, smiling a little.

"I know she's hiding something from me. And I'm hiding a whole bunch of shit from her so I have no reason to feel angry. I don't feel angry. I'm worried that we're breaking away from who we used to be. Friendwise," I continued. "I don't know what I'd do without Carly. We've been friends since the dinosaurs and the aliens signed that contract." Mitchell's eyebrows scrunched together in confusion and he chuckled.

"Since what?"

"Nothing, it's an inside joke," I said, thinking back to when things were simpler; before there was all this creddie/seddie drama; before we started being dumbasses. **(A/N: **Shout out to Hackingofthedead! Yeah, people are dumbasses sometimes.**) **That was the past. There was no point in wanting things to be the way they used to be because that was over and done. If you stay in the past, you'll miss the present and be unprepared for your future. Just like one of my favorite songs said, _We're growing up so stop looking back. _Yeah, I can be wise sometimes. Be amazed.

"Thanks for telling an outside person," he said, flicking a piece of bread at me. I glared, ready for a food fight. "Speaking of things you're hiding, since I noticed your dress is a nicely fitted green, I assume you went ahead with the..." I looked down, losing my appetite for maybe the best soup ever. I pushed it out in front of me and smiled at the waiter as he took it away. It was only so he could smile back. He had a cute smile and was vaguely familiar.

"Yeah. I did it."

We were silent. I sipped some of my water and started fumbling with the napkin spread across my lap.

"How do you feel about it? Like do you regret it?" he asked. "Cuz honestly, I didn't think you were gonna do that." I shrugged.

"When Freddie and Carly left, and then you left, I felt like it was the right thing to do. But now that he's coming back...I don't know."

"Wait, you haven't seen him in like 2 months?" Mitchell asked, fuming. I nodded.

"I told you wouldn't want to know. We hired this kid to do the last few iCarlys. He has "stuff to do". At least that's what Carly has told me. They get here tomorrow," I replied.

"Douchebag. Anyway, so you want a baby?" I shrugged again.

"I don't know. Maybe."

"No. Not a maybe. It's a yes or no question. A serious one too because it doesn't only affect you. Are you ready to have a baby?" he asked again.

"No. I am nowhere near emotionally/mentally prepared to carry and have a baby. I can barely take care of myself and it wouldn't feel right to just hand over my responsibility to someone else. At least, not when it has feelings. I actually feel like I'm getting an allergic reaction, just talking about this. I'm not ready at all," I answered.

"Then you did the right thing," Mitchell responded. I nodded, believing him.

"Yeah, yeah I did the right thing," I repeated. I sighed. "What would I do without you Mitchell?"

"Oh, you'd rot in a well somewhere by Switzerland." I looked at him, amused by his randomness.

"What? How?" The waiter came with our entrees and I stared at the five star meal that Mitchell paid for. "Whatever, I'll take your craziness if you keep buying me meals like this." He took a bite of his food and winked at me.

"Be careful. That's how Bush got re-elected," he replied. I tried not to cough up my duck as I erupted into laughter.

···

_I left a trail of pills_

_To find my broken heart in your lost mind_

_Here I go, losing control_

_Watch me slip down the rabbit hole _

"How is this show still on after so many years? Like with new episodes and everything?" Spencer asked as I sat next to him on the couch with a bag of chips practically in my mouth. "It's been on since I was a teenager."

"In the bronze age?" I joked. He pushed me over, smiling.

"Ha ha. Very funny. But serious;y, who is paying for this show?" I shrugged, shoving another handful of chips into my mouth.

"I don't know. I don't even like Girly Cow anymore. I stopped watching or even paying attention last year," I answered. "Maybe it's the new kids that are watching. The next generation of Girl Cow followers."

Spencer nodded. "That makes more sense than what I was thinking," he replied.

"What were you thinking?" I asked.

"Evil satellites with french mustaches that brainwash people," I burst laughing and continued to laugh as we heard the click of the lock. Carly and Freddie came inside with their suitcases, 3 hours earlier than they'd said they'd be. Mitchell wasn't here yet.

"Hey you guys!" Carly greeted smiling widely. We waved at them and looked at each other. Spencer and I were not ready for the Carly madness she would bring along with her this week. "I've got news! Very good news!"

"What could possibly be so good it can't wait until this episode ends?" I asked, annoyed. "This is the one with the squirrel quadruplets." Carly rolled her eyes at me and chuckled.

"Me and Freddie are back together!" she squealed. She dropped her bags and jumped into Freddie's arms.

They kissed.

Less than 5 feet away from me. It felt like a frog had jumped into my throat and started roundhouse kicking. I gulped, looking away.

"Oh god. All this teen romance shit is making me sick," I groaned, pretending like I wanted to throw up. I really did.

"You're such a Sam," Carly retorted. I gave my best impression of a real laugh but it ended up sounding like a chipmunk.

"I'm happy that my sister's happy," Spencer said genuinely. I caught him nervously glancing at me. "I don't know why this needs to be announced though." Carly smiled even wider.

"Because things are finally back to normal. Me and Freddie are together, Sam's back, her hair is blonde again-Oh my god! Your hair!" Carly squealed again. She rushed over to the couch and began touching my hair. She began questioning me about why I did it. I watched Freddie move their suitcases and walk into the kitchen to get something to drink.

I shrugged in response.

"I was done with the red. I only needed it because I was hiding from you guys. I'm done hiding," I said, sneaking a glance at Freddie. He wasn't even looking in my general direction. He had gone on the computer with his back to us.

"What do you think about it Freddie? What'd you prefer, red or blonde?" she asked sweetly. A little too sweetly but I ignored it. Carly was enjoying this dating Freddie thing.

Freddie shrugged. "It's just hair. I don't get why girls obsess over it so much," he said. He didn't even bother to look back.

Carly shrugged while Spencer agreed with him. He tried to reach for my hand but I stood up.

"Sam must use the potty," I said. I walked into the upstairs bathroom, knowing what I wanted would be there. I took out the small bottle of Tylenol. So what if I didn't have any physical pain? It felt physical.

I took 4 pills dry.

Then I looked at myself in the mirror and rolled my eyes. I wasn't this girl, I was never gonna be this girl. If there was anything I'd learned from these many years of being Sam Puckett, it's that there's no easy way out. I glared at myself before putting my finger at the back of my throat.

···

_Happiness is a state of mind _

_That I try to visit from time to time _

Carly and I sat around in her room later that day, listening to music. Mitchell had called to say sorry he couldn't be there. Art gallery crisis. She sang along with the music, brushing her hair. I laughed at her.

"Can you be anymore of a stereotype?" I asked, joking. She stuck out her tongue at me. She ran to her bed, jumping on it and tackling me. "Oh my god, you weigh like 5 elephants. What have you been eating?"

"Kiss my ass," Carly replied, rolling off of me. We both sat up, sitting shoulder-to-shoulder. She opened a pack of twizzlers, offering me some.

"I'm not Benson," I countered. Carly smiled.

"Are you happy Sam?" she asked me seriously.

"I'm never happy," I answered absently, biting some of my twizzler.

"We should change that. But I am. Truly and really happy. And it's all because of him," she sighed happily, leaning against her headboard.

"I know Carly. That's dangerous though, to put all your happiness in one person," I replied. She chuckled.

"I don't but he adds to it. He's like the cherry on my sundae of happiness." I rolled my eyes at her.

"Sometimes I'm embarrassed to know you and your cheesiness. Maybe it balances me out," I said. Carly shrugged.

"Well, if being girly means being happy, to finally be with the guy and wanting a family, I'll take it. I've always wanted a baby," she said, looking at me excitedly. "I wouldn't be lying if I said, you know, that I wasn't a little disappointed when the pregnancy tests were negative."

"Of course, yours were true," I muttered.

"Hmm?" I shook my head.

"Nothing, nothing, I just don't think that's very Carly to get pregnant in high school," I said. Carly laughed.

"Maybe I'll get pregnant in college," she joked, playfully nudging me. I shook my head, alughing as I tried not to cry. I wasn't sure if I could go through this again.

"You're crazy," I commented. Carly nodded.

"Crazy in love. But don't worry, we both decided to take things slow. Like when I spent the night with him, we just slept. Didn't do anything and it was okay," Carly whispered.

"Well, I've heard enough about the King of Dweebs. I'm gonna go downstairs and get some meat. All this sugar and fruit is sickening me," I groaned, sniffling a little. I went down the stairs to get some ham so that way, after I was done crying, I would have something to eat.

I bumped into Freddie by accident when he turned to walk up the stairs. I stepped back and looked at him. He stared at me with an empty expression.

"How've you been?" My voice shook and I chuckled. Freddie shook his head and walked past me.

I breathed out shakily and muttered, "Oh, fuckin' hell."

He looked back at me and his expression softened. "I don't need your fuckin' pity, Freddie, so just don't. Be with Carly for all I care."

···

_Sonic youth with sonic dreams, suicidal tendencies _

"Mitchell!" I whined as he pulled my hand, dragging me out of Bushwell Plaza.

"No. I will not let you mope! Remember, you told me to keep you strong and that's what I'll do. You've got only 5 days left with evil brunette twins. I leave tomorrow so I need to know that I won't need to worry about you sitting in your room, watching that super depressing season of Skins."

"Shut up! God, you talk too much," I complained.

"Suck my dick. Come on, let's go," he said as he pulled my arm. I reluctantly followed him outside, squinting my eyes at the sun. Of course, the weather is nice today. Why would it fit my mood at all?

"Sam...are you okay?" he asked me warily. I turned to him and saw the worry in his face. I shrugged.

"I'm as good as I am. No more, no less," I answered. Mitchell chuckled.

"That was the greatest non-answer I've heard," he laughed. I laughed with him. "Just promise me you're not gonna kill yourself," he said. I looked at him, confused. Was I giving off a suicidal vibe?

"No. I'm not gonna kill myself . I'm upset but I'm not that upset," I assured him. He stared into my eyes as we stood next to his car. It was really his grandmother's car who lent it to him for his stay. I stared into his blue eyes, looking at my reflection and realizing that I liked what I saw for the first time.

"Good." He opened the door to the driver's seat and handed me the keys. "Now I can trust you to drive us into the city. I wanna go shopping and gawk at hot guys; cause some trouble and I want a yoga cat," he added. I snickered, not knowing what that was or caring. **(A/N: **It's a real thing, a painting of a cat doing yoga poses, that my aunt got when she went to Seattle.**) **

"Whatever," I replied, rolling my eyes. Before Mitchell could walk around the car, I pulled him back into a hug. "Thanks Mitchell." For a brief second, while Mitchell hugged me tighter, I pretended that he was Freddie and we had the fairytale ending.

I pretended until we broke away from the hug and I looked into my blue instead of his brown.

We got into the car and plugged Mitchell's ipod into the car. I skimmed through his music before I gasped.

"Oh my god! How did you get this version? I can't find it anywhere!" I screamed excitedly as Black Sheep came on. I listened to Brie Larson's voice and swayed to it. I thought it fit the song a lot better but maybe that was just because of the movie.

Freddie had read the Scott Pilgrim comics or whatever. He had been dying to go see the movie but Carly had other plans that she deemed more important. Her other plans was a spa day with Spencer's girlfriend and then a trip to Yakima for the weekend. He had guilted me into seeing it with him when really he didn't have to ask very much. I ended up liking the movie a lot more than I thought I would. It was a good memory. Freddie had been so sweet and reminded me why I loved him, it was hard to believe that the Monday after, he reverted back to his old self with Carly so easily.

"Illegally of course. Way better than the other lady right?" I nodded. We made eye contact as I put the car into reverse. We sang along with the music, "_Send you my love on a wire, lift you up every time, everyone, ooh, pulls away, ooh, from you-ooh..."_

···

_Here I go, losing control _

It was around 7 when I came home. Carly was pacing in the kitchen while Spencer sat at the island. When I walked through the door with my groceries and a couple of new things of clothes, she marched furiously towards me. I looked at Spencer amused but he was worried. He shook his head saying, "Carly, don't jump to conclusions."

I looked back at her in time for when she stood in front of me.

"What's up Cupcake?" She had her arms crossed and she was glaring at me. "What did I do?"

Then she smacked me. No, she bitch-slapped me. Right across my face.

Now I know that I'm not a tolerant or patient person but this was Carly. Despite all the tension between us, she was still my best friend since forever. So I took the slap, surprised that it had actually made me lean to the side. Who knew that Carls had the strength to do that?

"Where the fuck have you been all day?" she screamed at me. I didn't understand her anger and it was pissing me off. She was mad because I was gone the whole day? I was slapped for that shit? I threw my bags at her.

"I was shopping with Mitchell," I replied, my voice a little louder than usual. Carly rolled her eyes at me and slapped me again, on the same cheek.

"Oh please, how stupid do you think I am?"

"Very if you think you're gonna get away with slapping me one more time," I said. We glared at each other in silence before Carly spoke again.

"Freddie hasn't been home all day either. Said he had to go see his mom at the hospital. Know anything about that?"

"What the fuck? NO! Why would I know? I assumed you were gonna hang out with Fredbag all day-that's why I left if that's why you're pissed," I replied, seriously pissed off now.

"Really? You sure he wasn't with you?" she accused. She lifted her hand to smack me again but I stopped her, pushing her away from me. The first slap surprised me. The second slap was while I was still confused but there was no way there was going to be a third.

"Don't you fuckin touch me! I love you but you have no reason to be treating me like this!" I yelled at her.

"Like what? A hoebag? A slut? A person who stabs her best friend in the back and steals her boyfriend? Because that's what you are Sam! You're Peyton," I didn't get the reference at first until I remember the torturous hours being forced to watch One Tree Hill. I rolled my eyes. "I can't say I'm surprised," she continued. "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree."

I was furious.

"Compare me to all the whiny, fictional characters you want but don't you EVER compare me to my mother! I am nothing like her nor will I ever be, you fuckin' bitch!" I raised my fist and took only one step when Spencer came between us.

"Girls, calm down. You guys are best friends. You don't want to mess that up," Spencer said in his wise man voice. But I didn't care about what happened to our friendship at that moment.

"Stay out of it," Carly and I yelled at him at the same time. I pushed Spencer out of the way.

"I know about you and Freddie, "Carly growled at me. "I know that there was something between you guys during high school. He reassured me that nothing was happening," she started to cry. "I believed him until all that confusion during graduation. And then you guys hooked up after Christmas. You think I was stupid enough not to notice the differences between you guys, the minute I saw you. And after I told you about my plans, you whore!"

I was angry at her, myself, and Freddie. We'd fucked things up as only three young adults can.

"And now you guys are back to our old ways," she added.

"I'm not hooking up with fuckin' Freddie! I spent the whole day with Mitchell!" I screamed, hoping that it would sink into her delusional brain.

"Just tell me why did this to me! Me, your best friend in the world, of all people!"

"Yes Carly," I snapped, now annoyed more than ever. "This was all about you. I fell in love with Freddie on purpose to spite you and break you guys up. I never told him because it's not like I cared more about our friendship than my feelings, it's not like I knew you were in love with him too!"

"Fuck you Sam!" she yelled. "You act like you've done nothing wrong! You lied to me for all these years!" She continued to yell while Spencer walked past us to open the door. I guess someone had knocked. I sighed.

"Yes, I lied and I can't take that back but it was so things wouldn't change between us. Look what's happened now and this is over a stupid guy! A guy that could end up choosing neither of us in the end!" I argued. She scoffed.

"He already chose me, idiot. He was just fooling himself with you. Plus, you're a fuckin' little girl, right?" I raised my eyebrows. Carly did know more than we thought she had.

"How much of that conversation did you hear?" I asked nervously, wondering if she had told Freddie what she overheard.

"Only from that point on and then I immediately texted Freddie to watch out for you because I had a feeling you'd try to trap him. And I was right. I saw you leave the apartment so I followed you. I saw you kiss him," she paused to glare at me. "That's why I brought up my "plans". I was hoping you'd crack and just tell me so I wouldn't have to confront you like this. I was hoping that you were a decent person," she said.

I was shocked, there was no way Carly could be like this. I shook my head, replaying it in my head. Replaying everything and realizing what I'd thought was Carly being Carly was really her being a bitch.

"You motherfuckin'..." I couldn't think of a word to call her. She was worse than a bitch. "You don't even know what happened or what the fuck I went through trying to please you! I wasn't trying to trap him, he was already traprped!" She gasped and shook her head like she didn't believe me. "Yeah, while you got pregnancy scares, I got pregnant! And you know what I did, what you wanted to bring up? I got a fuckin' abortion!"

And like only my life could be, I heard Freddie whisper behind me, "What?"

···

_Sonic youth with sonic dreams, suicidal tendencies _

"What? Sam...you were pregnant?" I could see the anger bubbling up inside him. "Why the fuck didn't you tell me?" he yelled. I heard Spencer "eep" in the background.

"Because I was scared! I was scared of what to do and how to tell you! Before I could get the guts to do it, both you and Carly were telling me you were getting back together. You wouldn't want the baby, I wasn't ready for a baby so I got rid of it," I explained, highly upset that he got to choose when he cared and when he didn't.

"You murdered your baby? Killer!" Carly said, looking at me, disgusted.

"Shut up Carly. This is between Sam and me. And abortion isn't murder," Freddie defended me.

"Yeah, to an atheist," she responded. I rolled my eyes turning to her.

"And all of a sudden, you're a saint. This argument is already messed up enough, without bringing stupid religion into it," I said.

"Religion is not stupid," she argued.

"I didn't mean it like that," I tried to say.

"Carly, religion is the opiate of the masses," Freddie replied, coming to my defense again. I was getting really angry. He's been ignoring me and acting like nothing happened between us.

"That's why people who are going to hell say," Carly crossed her arms in front of her chest.

"Thanks Carly," Freddie said bitterly, putting up his middle finger at her.

"Look, I have a right to be mad, my best friends were hooking up behind my back! This is like when you guys kissed all over again. Only this time, you guys had sex!"

"And I got pregnant! You act like this was planned so we could hurt you! Carly, this. Is. Not. About. You!" I enunciated. Freddie turned to me after I stopped talking.

"And you didn't tell me you were pregnant," Freddie said. "It was my almost-baby too! You didn't think I'd want to make a decision about this?"

"It's my body! I don't need your thoughts! Like I said before, you were getting back with Carly. You know you wouldn't have—"

"What have I told you about telling me what I would've felt," he interrupted, his voice menacing and louder than I had ever heard it. He was pissed. "What I would've said, what I would've thought, what I would've done. YOU DON'T KNOW!" he yelled, swinging his arms in frustration. He turned away from Carly and me.

"Goddammit, Sam, that was a really important decision. Why didn't you include me?"he asked me. He sounded distraught and I cringed. He got me with that voice. I shrugged, looking down.

"I'm sorry, Freddie," I said softly. "You're right. I'm sorry." He turned back to look at me. He smiled a little.

"What is that, the second or third time you've said sorry to me?" he joked. I smirked at him, not replying. It seemed like no matter what happened, we always found a way to turn it around and make everything okay between us. It was far from being okay but he was making an effort; I was willing to do the same.

Carly scoffed behind us. We looked at her and watched the tears set in her eyes.

"I knew it. I knew it. You both lied to me! You weren't hanging out with Mitchell. And you," she pointed at Freddie. "Well, I knew you were lying because there's no way you'd ever want to hang out with your mother for an entire day unless she was dying or something."

Freddie immediately got angrier than when I had ended things between us a few months ago. His jaw was set, his fists were clenched, his muscles bulged, making his biceps extra hot, btw. But he was scary. I'd seen Freddie look scared but never thought he'd look frightening.

I stepped in front of Carly, scared he might physically hurt her. Even the calmest person in the planet has their moment when they snap. Pacifists make it out like they wouldn't do anything but I think the right amount of anger could lead to anything.

"You're right Carly. Does that make you feel better? My mother is dying and there's nothing I can do about it. She has breast cancer and it's spread too far that the doctors can't fix it! Does that make you happy? My mother's days may be numbered but hey, at least I'm not dating Sam behind your back!"

He turned away, slamming the door. I turned to Carly to see she was crying. I felt kinda bad for her, I knew what it felt like to have someone you love yell at you.

"This is all your fault; if you understood the concept of boundaries, none of this would've happened. I hate you," she cried.

Until she did that.

"Fuck you Carly," I said, walking away.

"Don't ever talk to me again," she called after me.

"That'll be pretty hard to do since we live together!" I yelled before slamming the door.

She hurt me and she hurt Freddie over something she refused to let me explain.I don't know if I could be friends with her ever again.

We hurt each other multiple times over these few years and it had only been a matter of time before it exploded. The only problem was if we could repair the damage and how long would it take?

···

_I left a trail of pills _

_to find my broken heart in your lost mind_

_If you still want a life or two,_

_I could not do it all for you* _

Of course, Freddie was on the fire escape. It was the perfect place to think and the view of Seattle was beautiful. This city would always be my home, no matter where else I went.

"You get more and more predictable, Benson," I murmured, standing by the open window. He looked over at me from the steps. He removed the lawn chairs a while ago.

Freddie attempted to smile and stopped.

"Were you scared? When you went to get your operation?" he asked softly. I nodded.

"Terrified. I've heard of possibilities that I might not be able to get pregnant again. I do want kids. I just didn't want it under the circumstances. I couldn't stand being pregnant and I didn't want to think of some bastard child running around out there. I hope you're not very mad at me," I said, rushing the last sentence. I looked to the side. He snickered and shrugged.

"I'm upset that you didn't include me and let me be there for you. And I'm upset for being such an ass to you. But I don't want a kid right now either. I would've voted adoption but it's really about you," he finished with a smile.

"About your mom..." I started.

"I don't really want get into it. She has about a year to live. I'm gonna try and make it the best. It's all I can do, you know?" He looked up at me with tears in his eyes. I climbed through the window and stood in front of him. He pulled me into a hug and cried a little onto my shoulder. "That's why I've been spending so much time with her."

"I wish there was something I could do. I hate seeing you sad. It doesn't feel right," I whispered into the back of his head. He sighed, holding me a little tighter before letting go. I took a step back.

"Carly's a bitch," he said, randomly.

"Yeah, but so am I," I replied. "She was upset and she felt betrayed by two of the closest people to her."

"Why are you defending her? Didn't she say awful things to you?"

"She did and I don't know if I'll ever forgive her for that. But she deserves an explanation. No one's a bitch for no reason," I said, shrugging.

Freddie looked away from me and looked at the skyline. I pushed him over so I could sit next to him.

"I'm scared for my mom. I don't know what she's thinking about or what she's going through. My mom has her issues like everybody else," he pointed out. "But she's my mom. I knew she'd be gone, I just didn't think it'd be so fast."

I looked at him and ruffled his hair. He chuckled as I leaned onto him.

"You need to be there for your mom, just like you said. Support her and stuff. She needs you as much as you need her," I responded. I smiled and puffed out my chest proudly. "That was probably the greatest advice I've ever given."

Freddie smiled. He played with my hand until we were holding hands.

"Do you need me?" he asked. I laughed, rolling my eyes.

"I'm not answering that," I replied. I stood up, breaking our handhold and a little grateful for it. As much as I dreamt about a a lovey-dovey relationship wit Freddie, actually doing it was a different thing. I wasn't comfortable with all that stuff. "I should get going. See if Mitchell will let me stay with him for tonight. Wait until he hears this."

I only had one foot in the hallway when I felt Freddie pull my arm. I turned around and bumped into his head. He had obviously been trying to kiss me but he moved in too quickly. I groaned, pushing him and stepping into the hallway.

"Your big ass dork noggin hurt me!" I complained, walking away. He caught up to me.

"It was an accident. Get over it," he said. I narrowed my eyes at him and he backed off. "Ok, ok, don't get over it. But come with me."

···

_Catch me in the middle of the night_

_With dreams so fierce I hold you tight_

_It's the very thing that I love to love_

_And I hate this game and I wanna get off tonight _

We walked into the apartment across the hallway from Carly's. I resisted the urge to see if maybe she was there with an apology in her hand. I was over the fight. I think there was stuff we'd need to talk about but I wanted my best friend back.

Crazy, I mean, Mrs. Benson was there when we came in. She was watching WEEDS. If anyone had told me that Mrs. Benson watched a show like that, known for their excess cursing, sex, and pushed boundaries, I'd have punched them in the gut for lying to me.

She didn't smile at me, it was more of a grimace.

"Samantha," she greeted, turning back to the TV.

"Mom, I didn't think you'd be home," Freddie muttered.

"Obviously, or else you wouldn't have brought missy rude mouth over there," Mrs. Benson replied. The attitude was unnecessary. Especially for someone who's dying. Aren't you supposed to be calm and peaceful? Aren't you supposed to reflect on your life and be nicer to everyone?

"Mom," he sighed, looking over at me with apologetic eyes. If I could deal with Carly's extreme bitchiness, I could handle Mrs. Benson's remarks. "We're going to my room."

"I know if I kicked her out, you'll get moody and shit," she said. I raised my eyebrows while Freddie rolled his eyes. "So leave the door open."

"I'll leave it unlocked," he promised, taking my hand and leading me to his room. Mrs. Benson was angry but she didn't say anything.

He let go of my hand to open the door for me. I walked inside, avoiding his bed. He closed the door behind him and leaned against it. He let out a deep breath and smiled at me.

"Take off your clothes," he told me, moving to his drawers. He looked through a couple and then turned around to see me standing fully clothed with a surprised face. He chuckled. "Come on. Take 'em off. Do you need help?"

"Freddie, I don't want to have sex with you," I said. He smiled wider.

"Neither do I. I'm giving you some pajamas so you can stay here with me," he replied.

"Uh, who said I wanted to stay with you? You don't get to decide what I do," I countered. He slowly walked towards me.

"You forget Puckett, I have ways to persuade you to see my way" Freddie whispered, leaning down to kiss me. I turned my head away, smiling. I did want to stay with him.

"Fine. Just get me the Pjs, Ms. Sexy Pants." He laughed, kissing my cheek. He didn't even realize I called him Freddie. Maybe I did make him happy.

He couldn't find any of my old clothes I used to keep in his room so he gave me sweatpants and a penny tee. We crawled into bed like an old married couple. I always kept spare scrunchies on my wrist because you never knew when you were gonna have to beat some jackass down and having your hair out wasn't the wisest. I pulled my hair into a ponytail and snuggled next to him. He hugged me to him.

"You know what you're missing? A TV. I could definitely watch some old Bruce Lee movie or I don't know, something cheesy like Flipped. I just wanna watch something," I complained. Freddie snickered.

"Well, I broke my laptop and haven't been able to afford a new one so...sorry, no TV," he apologized sarcastically.

"Oh my god," I exclaimed, sitting up. "I know what I want to watch. I've totally lost track of Bleach! Ok, I need you to get up," I pushed him out of the bed and he made a huge THUMP! when he fell. "Go get my laptop from Carly's. I want to start the show all over so, sorry, we'll be staying up all night."

Freddie laughed, standing up.

"I love you," he said. I smiled at him and he sat down on the bed. He leaned a little towards me. "Why can't we be together?"

Before I could answer, we heard screaming and stomping. Carly burst through the door. She was crying and continued when she saw us. We looked at each other worriedly.

"I knew it! Even if everything else was true, I knew you'd guys be here together now. I guess my feelings don't count," she cried wiping her eyes. Freddie stood up.

"That's not it Carly. We both care about you so stop being so dramatic," Freddie said in a weirdly harsh tone. She blinked with her mouth open. She had stopped crying, mostly sniffling.

"I'm...I'm done, with the both of you. I don't know why I even bother anymore. It's been obvious for a long time that we're not the same as before. And I've been trying to hold onto that because it was before everything got complicated like this. So I guess this is my fault," she said, starting to cry again.

I got out of bed and moved closer to her, past Freddie, but she backed away.

"Carly, we're all to blame, okay. We just need to talk and stuff," I said.

"You were right Sam. It'll be really hard for us to not see each other if we live together. So I want you out. I don't know what I was thinking when I became best friends with you. God, what a mistake that was. Being friends with both of you," she muttered as she walked out, shaking her head.

I felt a little weak-kneed. I had just wanted to rip Carly apart a few hours ago but I didn't think that fight would last. I didn't think she'd hate me. I felt like I wanted to throw up. I turned around and covered my mouth with my hand, waiting for the morning sickness I never got. Freddie looked at me sadly.

"I, uh, I tried to stop her," Mrs. Benson said, standing by the door.

"That's ok," he replied, still looking at me.

"Freddie, go sleep on the couch," she ordered. "Samantha can stay here." He walked towards me and hugged me tightly.

"Look, I promise we won't have sex or anything. Can I stay here with her?" he asked as I began to cry into his shoulder. I heard Mrs. Benson huff and close the door.

"Unlocked!" she yelled through the door. I held onto him tighter. He picked me up, placing us both on the bed. God, I loved him more than all the meat in the world and that's saying something.

···

_Stop the world, s-s-s-stop the world, stop the world_

_I wanna get off_

_Tonight _

I woke up the first time because the sun was in my face. I woke up the second time because Freddie was either having a sexy dream about me or an embarrassing case of morningwood. I woke up the thrid time because Mitchell called me.

I filled him in on the details of last night and had to calm him down so he wouldn't take Carly's head off. It reminded me that I needed to get my stuff.

I walked into the living room to see that all of my stuff had been packed into boxes. Mrs. Benson looked at me from the kitchen as she sipped her coffee.

"Spencer brought that over earlier this morning," she informed me. I nodded, walking straight for the door. She thought she could avoid me by giving me my stuff, well she was wrong.

I knocked on the door softly. Carly opened the door, looking down when she saw me.

"I guess you hate me," she said. I shook my head.

"Surprisingly not. I've said worst things to you."

"I don't remember that," she replied.

"I do. But that's not why I'm here. I'm here because I'm sorry Carly. I'm so sorry for hurting you. I never meant to do that. I've been hurting myself for so long but now, I'm finally happy. You know how you said you were happy Carls? Freddie makes me feel 100 times more than that. And I've been putting you first this whole time. You didn't seem to realize that but I have been. This time, I'm putting myself first so forgive me if that sucks. But I'm not changing it." Carly watched me as I talked. After I was done, I noticed she hadn't invited me in and I hadn't walked in. Carly and Spencer's apartment felt foreign to me; I was a stranger to her.

"If anyone should apologize, it should be me. Freddie was right on-I was being over-dramatic. But I was upset and hurt and I couldn't think straight. I'm sorry for everything I said. To both of you guys. Especially Freddie since he must be going through a lot. I meant nothing I said," she smiled at me briefly. I felt a little better. "Except kicking you out. I'm sorry but I need time to fully get over this and space from you guys."

"Wait, but you hardly even live there. Why should I get an apartment if you don't use yours?" I asked, annoyed. Carly shook her head.

"I got kicked out of school," she admitted. My eyes widened. How? "I'm having my roommate send the rest of my stuff. That's part of the reason I was so pissy. It was like one bad thing after another."

"What are you going to do?" I asked. She shrugged.

"But I gotta move back here so..." I nodded.

"I understand. I think it'll work," I replied. I realized that I'd been avoiding Carly so much, I hardly knew her anymore. This break in our friendship would hopefully mend it. I had other friends, Mitchell high on that list, but Carly was the one of the two I'd die if I lost. Freddie had past the friend zone a long time ago.

"Stay blonde," she said as she began closing the door. I smiled weakly.

"Stay brune," I replied, turning away.

Freddie was still asleep when I got back. He must've been exhausted. I know I felt it.

I sat, Indian-styled, on the bed. I watched Freddie sleep, smiling at his stupid and completely unattractive face. It was probably the most stalkerish thing I've ever done. When I got bored with that, I laid down next to him, wrapping my arms around him. He moved closer to me and opened my eyes. I smiled at him and he smiled back.

···

_Sonic youth in your tears, sonic youth in your fears_

_Sonic youth with sonic dreams and suicidal tendencies _

"How long have you been up?" he asked, stretching.

"A while. Talked to Carly a bit. She says sorry," I answered. Freddie shrugged as if it didn't matter.

"I knew she would. She just needed to calm down," he said. I rolled my eyes, moving back so that I was staring at the ceiling. "You okay? Are you regretting it already because I think it'll be a new record?" He laughed half-heartedly. I smiled, shaking my head.

"No. I'm in this, whatever this is," I replied. I reached out to hold his hand, just to show him.

"Impressive. And I'm glad. I guess there's no point in asking if we're exclusive?" I shook my head. "Good."

"Will things get sour from here?" I questioned softly, turning my head to him and lifting our hands. He gave me his infamous gaze and moved his other hand to rest on my cheek.

"I promise you that it won't."

"You shouldn't promise things you can't control. I just wanted a reassuring no," I said. He chuckled, breaking his gaze.

"I can control what I do in this relationship and one day, you're gonna marry me; so no, it won't turn sour," he said firmly. I kissed him.

"I love you," I said. He smiled, shifting his body so he was hovering over me.

"I love you too, Sam," he whispered. We kissed again, this time with Freddie's hands exploring my body.

I had finally made the right choice. I was finally with Freddie. I was finally happy.

**A/N:** Before I get serious and stuff, I'd like to also give a shout-out to Princess Starlight- your reviews are always so funny and detailed. Thank you! Also, I had to add Black Sheep. I recently became obsessed with Scott Pilgrim, thanks to Fios on Demand. I can't believe I missed when it came out and the comics! Sorry for the late update. I left my documents at my mom's while I was at my dad's and he wouldn't let me come back.

Now, *serious face *, I decided to have Sam abort the baby because 1- I haven't read a story where that happens and I found that interesting because abortions do happen. I did actual research (because I hate being wrong, even in stories,) and New York and Washington have similar rules for abortion. I was lucky that I could reference my half-a year of Health. Two- I dislike Seddie pregnancies or any pregnancies story because unless she has the baby the next chapter, the story turns into waiting for the baby. That can get really boring really fast.

I understand that everyone has different beliefs and things of the like. I never mean to offend anyone and I'm very sorry if I ever have. The stuff written is only for the storyline. Whether I believe it or not is really no one's business. I don't think that your beliefs really matter when you're reading but if it matters to you that much, you don't have to read it.

On a lighter note, I know this sounds like the end but it is far from it. I still have many things planned and even came up with like 3 more chapters today, adding on to the 4 I already had. Also, I can tell you now that the updates are actually gonna get farther apart because I have some ideas for new fanfics and other stories. I'm also starting school on Thursday and my schedule is...I don't even wanna get into it. So I don't know when I'll have time to write this.

Sorry for the super long author's note. I have a curse. Again, if you want a sneak peek into the next chapter, tell me the artist of the song and your favorite/least favorite part of the chapter. In an ideal world, I can have another update by next weekend. Hope you enjoyed this chapter and if you didn't, I'm sorry :(


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